Some Idiosyncrasies of the English Language

[Guest fountainhall]

1. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

2. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

3. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

4. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

5. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

6. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

7. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

8. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY'? THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.

[bkkguy]

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If a black box in a plane is indestructible, why can't they make the whole plane out of it?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why call it a building if it's already been built?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is there another word for thesaurus?

Is the color orange called that because it's the color of the fruit of the same name, or was the fruit called orange because that's its color? Which came first, the color or the fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?

What do they pack Styrofoam in?

Do boxer shorts box?

Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?

When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their signs?

Before the light bulb was invented, what appeared over peoples heads when they had an idea?

If a vegetable goes into a coma, is it called a person?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why does the word monosyllabic contain five syllables?

If you wear an antennae to a wedding, would the reception be better?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box what color would it change to?

Why is there an 's' in lisp?

If you were scared half to death twice, would you be 3/4 dead or 100% dead?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest end up drowning as well?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?If ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, why do we call it an ATM machine? And if PIN stands for Personal Identification Number, why do we call it a PIN number?

 Sweet meets are candy, but sweet breads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
 Quicksand works slowly.
 Boxing rings are square.
 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
 Why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, humdingers don't hum, and hammers don't ham?
 If you can make amends, can you just make one amend?
 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but just one, what do you call it?
 Why do you recite at a play but you play at a recital?
 How can a SLIM CHANCE and a FAT CHANCE be the same, while a WISE MAN and a WISE GUY are opposites?
 How does a building burn up as it burns down?
 Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?
 When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.
 Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?
 Why do we wash BATH TOWELS - aren't we clean when we use them?
 Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
 Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
 Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
 What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
 When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
 Why do they report power outages on TV?
 Is it possible to be totally partial?
 Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
 If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
 If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
 Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
 Why is it that we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
 Where do homeless people have 90% of their accidents?
 If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?
 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
 Why isn't the word 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?
 When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
 What do you call a defective Milk Dud?
 Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
 If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
 How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
 Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
 What is the speed of dark?
 Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
 What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
 If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
 Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
 What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
 If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
 If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
 

bkkguy

[ChristianPFC]

I find it interesting that there are pairs of (proper) nouns and adjectives with different meanings:

 

August (month) and august

German (national, language) and germane

(I think there was a third one I forgot.)

 

These can be made into sentences like:

 

"I'm Christian, but I'm not Christian"
and a similar one in French: "Manuel n'est pas manuel" (Manuel is not skilful).

(I think I had a third one which I forgot.)

 

more such stuff on http://www.gaybuttonthai.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=5197

[Guest fountainhall]

On the subject of pairs - or more exactly, the use of the same word, how many times can you use the word 'that' consecutively in the same sentence. No other words must come in between the 'that's!

[Guest bbillybb]

I thought that that that that that man used was incorrect!

[Rogie]

 

I thought that that that that that man used was incorrect!

 

Now that makes perfect sense.

 

I could be wrong but I think we've had this one before!

[bkkguy]

I thought that that that that that man used was incorrect!

 

you want to know about that "that"? I thought I had already told you that: that that "that" (that "that" that that man used) was grammatically correct.

 

bkkguy

[Guest fountainhall]

I managed to get to 6 - but 'that' takes the biscuit! 

[bkkguy]

you can play the same game with "and"

 

the classic answer is 5 where the owner of the Pig and Whistle pub complained to the sign-writer that he had got the spacing wrong between "Pig" and "and" and "and" and "Whistle"

 

but if you choose a better name and a worse sign-writer you can get that up to 13 - but I will leave that as an exercise for the reader!

 

and if you start talking about case sensitive password pairs then I stopped counting after "AND" and "and" and "and" and "AND"  and "AND and "And" and "And" and "AND" ....

 

bkkguy

[Guest fountainhall]

. . . and so on 'and' infinitum 

[Rogie]

Another great idiocyncrasy of the English language is pronunciation.

 

In fact, the last word in the above sentence is a good example. We say pronouce - pro-nownse

but pro-nun-see-a-shun.

 

If you pronounce it as pro-nown-see-a-shun it hardly matters but you are in the minority.

 

However, for many other words, especially those you come across for the first time, pronunciation cannot always be accurately guessed by their spelling.

[ChristianPFC]

I once came across a pronunciation guide for the English language, it was many pages A4. Unfortunately, I forgot where it was on the internet. Rules for pronunciation are far more complicated for English than for Thai.