Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 If you want, you can post your jokes here. I have three to get started. So a guy dies and goes to Hell. The devil tells him that he will get to choose how he will spend eternity. "I'm going to show you what's behind three doors, and you will pick which one you want." Behind door number one was a hellish fire and brimstone scene. Behind door number two was a frozen Arctic landscape. And behind door number three was a beautiful young blonde woman pleasuring a big, fat, sweaty, hairy guy. The guy said "I'll take door number three." "Good choice," said the devil. Then he calls out to the beautiful blonde and said: "OK honey. I've found your replacement. You can leave now." And that's what they mean by "the devil's in the details." Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check up. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.The doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 A balding, white haired man from Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’ On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’ Quote
KhorTose Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Not sure this joke thread a good idea, but here one for a certain poster who only thinks he has heard them all. Once upon a time there was a lawyer who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven." "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the lawyer found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The lawyer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the lawyer. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're an associate." Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Not sure this joke thread a good idea, I know, but I figured if no one wanted to read it, they didn't have to. There are always some heavy emotional topics, and there are bound to be more. At least there's a place for comic relief. If there is no interest, it will die a natural death and we can get back to our favorite pastime of bashing and complaining, of which I am sometimes a big offender, so therapeutic for me. Thanks for the contribution. Quote
Guest scottishguy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Fucking hell missus - that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, sobbing uncontrollably. The man next to her says "What on earth is wrong, what's the matter?" She replies: "Waaahhhhhh - the driver just insulted me!" The man says: "That's shocking! You go right up there and tell him off - Go on dear, I'll hold your monkey for you....." Quote
Bob Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 A little semi-political humor: Q. Why does Italy have so many glass-bottomed boats? A. To facilitate the viewing of the Italian navy. But my favorite was about 10-15 years ago when the French and the US were having a culture/language war of sorts (redneck cafes were changing the name of french fries to american fries, etc.). But our local midwestern newspaper ran a simple ad in the middle of the front page that read something like this: For Sale: 5,000,000 French Rifles Never been shot Only been dropped once Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Sorry guys. This one is for later in the evening after a few drinks. Tarzan finally agrees to give an interview to the BBC. They meet somewhere in the jungle. Interviewer: It's indeed a pleasure to meet you, Mr . . .Tarzan. Do you have any other name? Is that your whole name? Tarzan: Yes, Tarzan my whole name. Interviewer: How long have you been in the jungle? Tarzan: Don't know. Interviewer: I believe you have now found a girlfriend? Tarzan: Yes. Interviewer: And what is her name, may I ask? Tarzan: Her name - Jane. Interviewer: And is that her whole name? Tarzan (looking somewhat quizzical): errr . . . . errr . . . . Whole name? Cunt! Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 And a milder one which scottishguy may appreciate - or otherwise!. Aberdonians (from Aberdeen in Scotland) have a reputation for, shall we say, being extremely careful with money. One young man and his wife ventured to London and were overwhelmed by the size of the city, the wonderful shops, the wide streets . . . Trying to cross Regent Street to get from Austin Reed's to Aquascutum (purely for window shopping, we are told) without bothering to walk 50 meters or so to the nearest crossing, they found themselves completely stuck. Traffic was zooming past them non-stop. Finally, they noticed a break, and ran across. As they were nearing the other side, the young man happened to spy a £1 coin lying on the road. This is my lucky day, he thought, and quick as lightening, he bent down to pick it up. Alas, he had failed to notice a Ferrari speeding down. It knocked him over and killed him. In the UK there has to be an inquest after a sudden death. The presiding coroner listened to all the reports and was inclined to bring in a verdict of possible manslaugher. Then he heard the victim hailed from the city of Aberdeen. "In that case." he said. "the outcome is perfectly clear. The verdict is - Death by Natural Causes!" Quote
Guest Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Aberdonians (from Aberdeen in Scotland) have a reputation for, shall we say, being extremely careful with money.So do people from elsewhere in Scotland. In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?" "5." Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I hate to derail my own thread, but I must ask this: why is it acceptable to joke about spendthrift Scotsmen and abhorrent when discussing spendthrift Jews? If the jokes were about Jewish people and not Scots, wouldn't it be racist? Actually, isn't it racist for both? Quote
kokopelli Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Are you suggesting that the Scots are a separate race? Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Are you suggesting that the Scots are a separate race? Is that another joke? I think you know what I mean, but maybe I didn't express it well. You can't substitute Jewish for Scot. Quote
kokopelli Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Yes, this is a jokes thread. Now then, did you hear the one about the Scotsmen and Jewish man having a magnificent meal.........................................................................................................................................................................................................! Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 If the jokes were about Jewish people and not Scots, wouldn't it be racist? Actually, isn't it racist for both? Not for the Scots! God forbid! We're talking about national characteristics - and being careful about money is as Scottish as haggis, porridge, whisky and golf. Facts, dear khun TW! And I suggest not for most Jewish jokes, because there are libraries of them out there to which no one takes offence. There used to be a very funny Jewish review group in New York which clearly was very popular. Ih ave one of their CDs and it's hilarious. Here's a couple of short tracks - Quote
ChristianPFC Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I hate to derail my own thread, but I must ask this: why is it acceptable to joke about spendthrift Scotsmen and abhorrent when discussing spendthrift Jews? For me, it's acceptable to joke about everything and everyone, ESPECIALLY races, nationalities, religions, homosexuals, women, disabled ... Not at all abhorrent! This includes pedophile jokes like this: A pedophile is walking with a child in a forest. The child says: "I am scared, it's so dark here." The pedophile replies: "And I? I will have to walk all the way back alone!" (My translation from the German version.) Quote
Bob Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Christian, presuming I even "got" that one (is the guy going to kill the child so he'll have to walk back alone?!?), that's sick, not funny. Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Christian, I do not know what you were thinking by telling that joke! The only comedian who seems to have always gotten away with insulting everybody and with his usual good taste and style, is my favorite, Mr. Warmth himself, Don Rickles. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MiBVrxbvBg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AllhU-qRRbs And to Fountainhall, who said I would never remember him in my will. Hello, Fountainhall! Quote
Guest Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I hate to derail my own thread, but I must ask this: why is it acceptable to joke about spendthrift Scotsmen and abhorrent when discussing spendthrift Jews? If the jokes were about Jewish people and not Scots, wouldn't it be racist? Actually, isn't it racist for both? There's no racism here. As long as one is prepared to tell jokes about every race, gender, religion & age group, all are treated equally. I would apply the same jokes to any group with a reputation for prudence, whether it be Scottish, Jewish, Dutch or Yorkshiremen. Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Hello, Fountainhall! Did you just die, thaiworthy? Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Yorkshiremen?! They are a strange species known to play cricket, eat soggy pies with their beef, farm sheep, trudge through endless moors, and breed cricket commentators like Fred Truman and Geoffrey Boycott, dour football managers like Brian Clough, artists like Henry Moore and David Hockney, thespians like Dame Judi Dench, Sir Ben Kingsley, Sir Patrick Stewart (yes, the Star Trek one) and Tom Wilkinson (a 'Sir' coming his way soon, no doubt), and writers like the Bronte sisters. More infamously, they try to blow up buildings like Guy Fawkes, or cast spells, like the Yorkshire witch Mary Bateman (hanged 1809). Apart from that, I suppose they're all pretty normal! Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Did you just die, thaiworthy? I had a little chicken soup and got better. Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Then maybe you can get your lawyer to adjust the will a little so that I am left more than just a simple "Hello!" If not, see you later up there or down there and we'll have it out then. Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Sitting on a park bench just inside the pearly gates awaiting the expected arrival of their fellow Pope Benedict any year now, his immediate predecessors John Paul II, John Paul I and Paul VI were arguing about who was the best and most effective Pope of the three. "I got rid of many of the ghastly reforms of the Second Vatican Council. I brought the Church back to its roots. I agonised, I prayed, I begged for guidance and then issued the encyclical reaffirming the Church's teaching on birth control. So I have to be the most effective Pope amongst us three," said Paul VI. "I was a saintly, holy man. I gave the world a renewed vision of the pastor Pope, a Papacy about love, tolerance, forgiveness. And my smile was universally admired. I had a dream last night. In that dream, God himself told me that though my reign was short, there was no doubt about it: I was the most effective Pope in recent decades." John Paul II smiled, turned to his predecessors and looked John Paul I straight in the eye. "What did I say?" Quote
