Would you hire a Private Detective?

[Guest fountainhall]

I hope Gaybutton will not mind my importing a topic from his Board because I feel it is worthy of some discussion here. The full link is below.

 

A poster had started a thread about an investigation agency he had recently noticed. Without advocating their services, he thought it might be of some use to readers “in the right situation”. The implication clearly was that some in relationships, however short or long, might have ‘concerns’ about what a boyfriend or girlfriend might be up to when out of their sight.

 

The word ‘jealous’ has come up on another thread in the Gay Thailand forum this morning. And jealousy (using the term in the sense of being suspicious or fearful), sadly, can become an all-consuming passion. We only have to think of Othello and how one tiny spark of doubt was fanned by others to become an all-consuming flame, with his murder of his innocent wife the outcome.

 

The point of opening this thread, though, is to ask: what do you do - or would you do - when/if you suspect your boyfriend of something untoward? It could be cheating on you if you are not in an open relationship. It could be you begin to suspect drugs, or wonder why there has been a sudden change in behaviour, and this continues to nag at you.

 

Would you confront him? How to do so? How would you then feel if you discover you are hopelessly wrong? Would you start talking to his friends? Even go as far as to follow him? Or take the route of an investigative agency?

 

I can’t recall a discussion of this nature here. It’s clearly not an ‘easy’ one, but I suspect this type of jealousy is a subject many people, gay and straight, have encountered at least once in their lives.

 

http://gaybuttonthai.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5408

[KhorTose]

Jealously is self-love.  It is your attempt to protect yourself from hurt.  If I had credible evidence that my bf was cheating I would confront him, but follow him or hire a private detective---never.  If I could not tell if he was lying I would have to accept what he says as truth until such a time as more evidence reaches my ears.  Someone who has a habit of cheating, will cheat often and it is evidential you will find out. I am not a big fan of the closet case and religious nut C.S. Lewis, but in Narnia he says something that has always stuck with me.

 

"You can't know (the truth), you can either believe or not."

[Guest thaiworthy]

I did hire a private detective once, but not for the reasons discussed. My experience has a more positive and happier outcome.

 

I lost my boyfriend's contact information in 2003 and he lost mine. It took me almost till 2008 to find him again. It's a long story, but that happened nearly 4 years ago. Everyone told me to forget him and move on, but I was relentless in this pursuit. I finally hired a very cordial English-speaking gentleman from an agency named "Thai-Spies." Rather ominous sounding, but they did the job for me. After turning my house and garage upside down over the years, I finally found some old correspondence from him and turned it over to the agency. It contained an old address.

 

They translated a letter from me and delivered it to his mother personally in the village where he was brought up and she remembered me. (He was actually working in another province at the time.) The rest is history and he is living with me now here in Bangkok. Anyone who knows me also knows this story, so I won't bore you all with the details. Had I waited too much longer to find him, I would never have done so since his mother then died and the family moved away.

 

I just wanted to state that a private detective can also help you find true love just as easily as  help you once you've lost it. It can work both ways. Some cases do not necessarily have Othello-like resolutions. There can be happiness in the discovery as well.

[Guest abang]

I am so touched to read your genuine love lost and found.

If someone searches for me (like you did for your beloved), I swear to God never to abandon him, in good times and in bad times.

[Rogie]

"The truth is sometimes harder to discover than a lie is to uncover... Therefore,  if the truth is really so important that it enables that person seeking it to answer nagging questions and move on with their life, then surely it is priceless".

 

http://www.thaiprivateeye.com/

 

Well you might expect that kind of 'soundbite' from a Detective Agency, and I think we'd all agree truth is often elusive. I would question the ability of any detective to get to the bottom of things however. He may well be able to uncover lies and deception, but digging deeper to try to find the root cause of why a person did or said something in order to get the whole truth, and nothing but the truth - well, certainly in the area of personal relationships, I'd have to question whether that's possible for a detective to establish.

 

It must often be a two-part process. One option, upon discovering deceit is to walk away, but if you decide to try and give it another go, once the detective agency have provided you with the 'proof' - short of an outright confession - a good heart-to-heart may do the trick.

[Guest fountainhall]

 if you decide to try and give it another go, once the detective agency have provided you with the 'proof' - short of an outright confession - a good heart-to-heart may do the trick.

 

Isn't one of the problems with this in general that, should you happen to discover that the 'truth' is not what you have been told, you have to reveal in some way how you discovered it? And with younger Thais in particular, I think they could feel some sense of betrayal. Isn't it in fact some sense a betrayal - at least of trust? Of course, if it is revealed that the 'truth' is indeed different to what you have been told, the other party will have been the first to break that trust. But Thai logic being what it is, I suspect many would not see it that way.

[Rogie]

That's a fair point you raise FH. 

 

It seems to me the majority of people who are in a relationship, and one of whom hires a detective, are - at least as going by the testimonials from 'satisfied' clients are concerned - living apart. 

 

Usually it is the farang who is living away, probably back in his home country, or he could be often away on business. So assuming this drama is happening in Thailand, in the case of an absent farang, I would argue this puts a higher requirement of honesty on the part of the Thai person because the farang, by definition almost, is trusting his Thai friend to a considerable degree not to betray that trust. 

 

I do agree however, that attempts to try and thrash out a satisfactory outcome can be thwarted by strange logic!

[Guest]

 If I had credible evidence that my bf was cheating I would confront him, but follow him or hire a private detective---never. 

 

What do you do if you have credible evidence that makes it quite probable he's cheating, but you are not sure?

If it was me, I'd want to be almost 100% sure before confronting him. 

Ideally one would check up without hiring a detective, but I guess that's not always practical.

[baobao]

Jealously is self-love.  It is your attempt to protect yourself from hurt.  If I had credible evidence that my bf was cheating I would confront him, but follow him or hire a private detective---never.  If I could not tell if he was lying I would have to accept what he says as truth until such a time as more evidence reaches my ears.  Someone who has a habit of cheating, will cheat often and it is evidential you will find out. I am not a big fan of the closet case and religious nut C.S. Lewis, but in Narnia he says something that has always stuck with me.

 

"You can't know (the truth), you can either believe or not."

What I'd add to what KhorTose said - and I agree with the above, overall - is that regardless of why you'd suspect your BF or the reason you'd be upset by your suspicions it really comes down to what you'd find acceptable in your relationship with him.

 

If it's a closed relationship in your mind and that was the initial agreement between the two of you, you'd need to re-open the negotiations (and those results might still be difficult to believe), break it off or accept that he's going to stray. If the emotional, material or financial benefits make it easier to take, so be it, but my thought is it might be better overall to be alone than to continually be knotted up by the possibilities.  I would not hire a detective except in extraordinary circumstances.