What We Might Wish We Had Done!

[Guest fountainhall]

"Top Five Regrets of the Dying" is the title of a rather sad and depressing article in The Guardian. An Australian nurse who recorded the most common regrets of those near the end of their lives has put her observations into a book (with the same name as the article title).

 

She writes of the extraordinary clarity of vision which people seem to gain at the end of their lives. “Common themes surfaced again and again”, she says. She hopes that the rest of us can gain something from their wisdom.

 

The top regrets were –

 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”

 

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They . . . deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.”

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content . . ."

 

http://www.guardian....ts-of-the-dying

 

Yet, go further back in time. I think that people of my parent’s generation, for example, almost certainly had less regrets. I wonder why this was? Because expectations early in their lives were much more limited? Because there was less mobility of labour and people tended to stay more in the same place – therefore kept many of their friends around them? Because there was less expectation of enjoying things like travel, and a vastly smaller number of outlets for recreation and leisure?

 

Were earlier generations, despite the hard lives many had to endure, more generally content, I wonder?

[Guest thaiworthy]

I saw this today, too-- can't remember where. At this point in time I don't have any of these regrets except for #5. It says it is common, but isn't happiness relative and changeable? How do you know you're happy unless there are times when you are unhappy? One can always be happier, like one can always wish for more money. But of course, we know money can't buy happiness, but I'd at least appreciate the chance of finding that out myself.

 

Regret #1 would surprise me if many on this board possessed it. To be true to oneself certainly can mean being out of the closet. If not, I think that would be the biggest regret of all.

 

Regret #2 The reverse might also be true if it's reasonable to regret not having worked harder.

 

Regret #3 There are a few posters on this site who definitely have no regrets here. I won't say their names, but they know who they are. However, there may be many who might regret that yours truly never shuts up!

 

Regret #4 is a complicated one. You can't go home again. In the course of a lifetime, one might have had many homes.

 

Nathan Hale had one famous regret. (This is easy!) Does anyone know the quote?

[Guest fountainhall]

Having always had a bit of a rebellious streak, most times I've had the luxury of doing what I wanted, even if that has meant giving up a couple of decent-paying jobs that did not give me the satisfaction I was looking for. I hasten to add I've also had a pretty good run of luck!

 

So I think the only slight regret I might have is with #4. When I moved to Asia half a lifetime ago, I had thought that keeping in touch with good friends from my earlier years was simply a matter of the occasional phone call and annual Christmas card with a short note inside. That's not keeping in touch. It's reminding people that you are still around. Of course you make other friends along the way, but for me those friendships from way back were important.

 

Over the last few years, I have been trying to meet up with some of these friends on trips back to Europe. With some, it's as though the last 33 years were a matter of mere months. With one or two others, a gulf has opened up that will be hard to bridge. That I regret.

[Rogie]

Nathan Hale had one famous regret. (This is easy!) Does anyone know the quote?

 

Well I know it now!

 

(I hang my head in shame for I knew not this noble American)

 

Here is fascinating account of his death - it also mentions his dying words, but just in case anybody wants to make a guess without cheating I shan't mention it here.

 

"Nathan Hale was a lieutenant in the Continental Army. In his early twenties, Hale had worked as a schoolteacher before the Revolution. In late September 1776 he volunteered to cross the British lines and travel to Long Island in order to gather intelligence. Unfortunately, his mission was soon discovered and he was captured by the British. Taken to General Howe's headquarters (commander of the British forces) in New York, the young spy was interrogated and executed on September 22."

 

http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/hale.htm

[Guest thaiworthy]

Thank you for the link, Rogie. Excellent story. The quote is:

 

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

 

Spy, state hero and martyr soldier, Hale was only 21 when he died.

[Rogie]

RE: 'regret' #3: I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

 

Regret #3 There are a few posters on this site who definitely have no regrets here. I won't say their names, but they know who they are. However, there may be many who might regret that yours truly never shuts up!

 

Count me out of those covering their ears Thaiworthy. Please carry on!

 

As far as expressing their feelings are concerned, it seems to me to fall into two categories, controlled emotions ad uncontrolled emotions. As far as uncontrolled emotions are concerned, it is clearly understood message boards are the perfect vehicle for expressing those, with the cloak of anonymity ensuring the moderators on some boards are kept on their toes, although a civilised approach by the board's members to such freedom of expression ought to be sufficient to ensure discussion rarely gets out of hand. Controlled emotion might just be another word for honesty - there again some posters may be happy expressing their feelings, even quite personal ones, with the knowledge they will (hopefully) receive a sympathetic hearing and perhaps (if that's what's needed) intelligent responses. If the worst comes to the worst and responses to a fellow member are unsympathetic he can console himself that at least he tried, and what is more in the wide blue yonder beyond the confines of message board politics it is as if he never said a word.

[Guest fountainhall]

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

 

I wonder how many would feel that way nowadays.

 

It rather brings to mind the opposing view as famously expressed by E.M. Forster -

 

"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country." (from What I Believe)

 

There are two more Forster quotes that are apt for this thread -

 

"Those who prepared for all the emergencies of life beforehand may equip themselves at the expense of joy." (from Howard's End)

 

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

[Rogie]

In reply to Nathan Hale's final words: "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

Fountainhall asked this:

 

I wonder how many would feel that way nowadays.

 

That's quite a challenge to answer that truthfully, especially from the comfort of my study at home with no foreboding thoughts of imminent martyrdom or indeed any such thoughts since the days of the Cold War and even then that would not have involved me taking uniform, merely a question of whether I would die instantly from atomic warfare or a slow lingering death from radiation sickness. Putting aside the fact I am far too old to serve in the armed forces, although I'd like to think I would have been a bit more effective than Private Godfrey in that wonderful parody of the British Home Front during WW2 - Dad's Army - I feel it very difficult to make that sudden leap in my mind to a theoretical situation I have never seriously considered. I guess that's why I referred to him as a 'noble American' because I'd like to think I would have borne such a fate with similar fortitude - but there's no way I would have had the strength of character to have said those words - and for that he is remembered, very fondly it would seem, by Americans 236 years after his death.

[Rogie]

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years.

 

So I think the only slight regret I might have is with #4. When I moved to Asia half a lifetime ago, I had thought that keeping in touch with good friends from my earlier years was simply a matter of the occasional phone call and annual Christmas card with a short note inside. That's not keeping in touch. It's reminding people that you are still around. Of course you make other friends along the way, but for me those friendships from way back were important.

 

Over the last few years, I have been trying to meet up with some of these friends on trips back to Europe. With some, it's as though the last 33 years were a matter of mere months. With one or two others, a gulf has opened up that will be hard to bridge. That I regret.

 

That made me wonder how we keep in touch with our friends, so I will be setting a poll to try and find out a bit more about how our members do that.

 

Later: I regret to say I was unable to set up the poll. I have added a suitable comment in the Problems with new board interface thread.

Edited February 6, 2012 by Rogie

[kokopelli]

I have regrets but none of the regrets listed in this post. I suppose biggest regret was not acting more on being gay although I lived in a small but very gay area and had lots of gay friends at age 25. Biggest regret was not going to Montreal for those sexy and available Quebecois bois when I was "younger".

[ChristianPFC]

I once read somewhere (quoted from memory):

 

I rather regret what I did than regret what I didn't do. OR

Better to regret what you have done than what you didn't do.

 

(Or something with the same message: don't complain about missed opportunities to experience something new.)

[Rogie]

I rather regret what I did than regret what I didn't do.

 

I know what you mean Christian, better to say

 

I would (or I'd) rather regret what I did than regret what I didn't do.