TotallyOz Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Just curious what your biggest deal breakers are when you find that special guy that you want to spend a long time with. Quote
Guest fountainhall Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Three! 1. Lack of proper communication. How many of us just say something expecting it to be understood when in fact we are not really communicating what we mean? This is so easy to do when there is no common language, different cultural backgrounds, etc. Over time, frustration builds, especially if it is a difficult issue for one party to discuss. 2. Allied to (1) is sending out the wrong signals. Way back in the distant past, I was completely captivated by a young Japanese. I visited Japan for long week-ends every month and he came to spend longer periods with me. We fell in love, talked a lot about his leaving Japan to live with me, but whilst that is what I said and what I felt I believed, a part of me was unsure about giving up my independence. Another was a concern over what he would do if the relationship turned sour. After all he’d have given up far more than I. In the end, he left me for a considerably older man for the security he reckoned I could not provide. When you are close to someone, it’s not so hard for him to pick up those unspoken thoughts. 3. Money! It’s probably the oldest and the stupidest reason there is, if only because it’s always talked about and we all know the danger signals. That old proverb (which I was told was Asian, but I suspect is universal): never lend money to a friend, for you will lose both the money and the friend. Yet, sometimes we believe there are exceptions. It’s happened to me twice here in Thailand, the second time involving a young qualified professional whom I genuinely liked and cared for and who did need money for a very legitimate reason. Frankly, I was shocked when he suddenly disappeared. I cared a lot about losing that friendship, not the money. Still, I am old enough to know what I should have done! Quote
kokopelli Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Money! They, the Thais, just do not understand that Farang have limitations on the amount of disposable money. In their eyes our supply of money is endless. For those of us who have limited income/resources this is a big hurdle to surmount in relationships with "boyfriends". Quote
Rogie Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Money issues and poor or confusing communication, certainly, to which I would add erratic behaviour and / or disturbing personality traits. Right from the word go he loved to get drunk. If I knew then what I know now I would have broken off the relationship after the first time it happened. I didn't and it hovered, rather like a sword of Damocles, slowly but irrevocably poisoning us. Quote
floridarob Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 being too smart, if you know me, you understand,lol Quote
Guest anonone Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Drug use is the one true "deal-breaker" for me, and i am very upfront about it. No second chances with this. It just causes too many problems for both guys. Also a note on the communication issue. As I get to know him better, there is a frustrating tendency to simply ignore any question or topic that he does not want to discuss. A change of subject, or even just silence, is preferable to a discussion. I am not sure if this is related to a non-confrontational cultural thing, or if he is embarrassed about something, or something else. Some of the topics don't seem to indicate either explanation would apply. It might be more problematic if we face some more substantive issues. There are some things that you have to be able to talk out. Part of the thrill of learning about another way of life... Quote
KhorTose Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Having worked all my life, sometimes at two jobs, I dislike lazy people. Without trying to offend anyone, I often find the boys that I meet in the bars often fall into this category. While I would hate to do their job (My God, who would want to sleep with me?), many of them do not want to move out of this life and be productive, even when they find someone. They want Mr. Right to take care of them so they can laze about with the occasional happy ending for their BF. This type of attitude just does not work for me. Quote
Guest Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 Having worked all my life, sometimes at two jobs, I dislike lazy people. People can be as lazy as they like, providing I don't have to pay for it. 1 A bar boy can laze around all day, but as long as he's puts in a bit of effort during our short time or long time off, that's just fine by me. 2 I cannot imagine tolerating a BF permanently on my "payroll" without any ambition to get out & achieve something. 3 Worst of all are the large number of spongers in Europe who are very happy to spend their entire lives on the dole, living off our taxes. I have not problem at all with the self funding indolent, it's the parasitic types that annoy me. Quote
kokopelli Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 2 I cannot imagine tolerating a BF permanently on my "payroll" without any ambition to get out & achieve something. Many of the boys I know lack the education, skills and mental acuity to achieve anything significant not that I ever achieved anything significant despite my superior intelligence, encyclopedic knowledge and advanced degrees. Of course you did say achieve "something" so I suppose that leaves most of them off the hook. But yes, I do know some pampered, pretty, kept boys who do nothing but primp themselves and live a hedonistic life with their farang's money and consent. Quote
Guest thaiworthy Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 (edited) Kokopelli makes a good point. I once dated a Thai guy who could not read or write Thai. He had very poor math skills, too-- he could not multiply or divide, just add and subtract. Kinda made it difficult to go to English-speaking movies with Thai subtitles; he would just go to sleep. I couldn't send him a text message and communication was generally very difficult since I couldn't show him a Thai word in the dictionary to explain something I wanted to share. He made his living as a doorman for what was then the Sundance bar in Sunee. He had had a farang who kept him, but that ended when the farang died of a heart attack and left him alone. That's when I met him, and he was drinking a beer every morning with breakfast to forget. When I asked if he wanted to go back to school, he replied "only if it isn't too hard." I felt sorry for him since there was nothing I could do to help him. Not really his fault, his parents were to blame from what I could gather. Very sad, really. Some boys never get the chance for even a basic education. I gave him enough money so he could leave Pattaya and go home to Mama, which is what he wanted. He had a body that could melt a iron statue, wow-- what a looker. He was sweet and charming, with an adorable, full-lipped pouty face that resembled a helpless, wide-eyed lost puppy. That was some time ago. Never really forgot him. It was a deal breaker and a heart breaker at the same time. Edited September 10, 2011 by thaiworthy Quote
floridarob Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 I just realized another one.... non-drinker, I like to drink and have found non-drinkers usually don't tolerate drinkers very well and vice versa Quote
Guest Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Well my biggest relationship dealbreaker is living several thousand miles away in Europe. I haven't found any cute Asian guys looking for an older farang here. Sooner or later I shall have to move. Quote
Guest snapshot Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Number one reason is simply chemistry. If I can't see a long-term future with them and there isn't that deep chemistry you get (which must be mutual), it just isn't going to last as anything more than a fun thing and a friendship (nothing wrong with that). I haven't encountered any of the other stuff like drug use, communication, money and laziness in anyone I've ever considered for a serious relationship... but that would rule them out too. I think, if money or laziness is an issue and this is an older farang/younger Thai relationship then what you have might be more of a live-in prostitute, not a genuine boyfriend. Quote
KhorTose Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 I think, if money or laziness is an issue and this is an older farang/younger Thai relationship then what you have might be more of a live-in prostitute, not a genuine boyfriend. Hello Beachlover Quote
Rogie Posted September 14, 2011 Posted September 14, 2011 He had a body that could melt a iron statue, wow-- what a looker. Too late now Thaiworthy but it must be possible to make your own statue. Strip the subject of your lust / admiration / wonder / artistic impulse (delete as appropriate) and cover him in plaster or something suitable that you can make a mould out of. When that hardens (careful!) take a hammer and chisel to free the poor chap. I am sure there must be places in Thailand you can then get your very own statue made in the metal of your choosing. Whether Iron is a practical choice I have no idea. Quote
