Thai-Farang Relationships

[Guest RichLB]

Throughout the threads many have written about long term boyfriends with a level of cynicism. These inputs have made me reflect on a few points.

 

I read (and hear from friends) a great deal of concern about the monetary imbalance in these relationships. Almost always the farang is the major contributor to the financial stability of these pairings. But, I hear little recognition that the Thai guy is also sacrificing his major (and often only) asset - his youth. Should the relationship end after several years, it is likely the farang will be left with a continued flow of resources and the the Thai guy might no longer be "marketable" in the relationship market. It often troubles me that many farang don't appreciate the risk the Thai guy is taking.

 

I've also given some thought to the division of assets issue. I've recently emerged from a prolonged visit by mama (3 excruciating weeks!!!) and been amazed at the reactions of some of my friends. Rather than hoped for empathy I received mini lectures about how they would never allow that in "their" homes. But, after 12 years together when does "my home" become "our home"? Would my friends have been equally critical if it had been MY house guest who had come for a prolonged visit or would they have expected my boyfriend to accomodate without objection? Do we farang ever get over the notion that this is "mine" and move to this is "ours"?

 

I also suppose there are many explanations (language barriers, frequency of contact, etc.), but I seem to notice that few farang are accepting of Thai-farang "coupledom". In fact, several are quite disparaging. If i am invited for an excursion and reply that I have to check with Ken (my bf) if there are any intervening plans, it's not unusual to get asked "why" or receive looks of diapproval from my friends. When i had a long term farang lover, those reactions never happened. I wonder what the difference is because my boyfriend is Thai.

 

I know this is long post, but i'd be interested to read users comments. Are there any?

[Guest fountainhall]

Isn't the old adage true - that in any relationship there are three parties: you, your partner and the relationship? And the most important of the three is - the relationship. I have been guilty of forgetting that from time to time. I suspect others have as well.

[Guest]

Rich, thanks for the post. It is a lot to think about. I am going to revisit this thread after I have had time to think on this a bit more. Great post.

[Guest beachlover]

I hear little recognition that the Thai guy is also sacrificing his major (and often only) asset - his youth. Should the relationship end after several years, it is likely the farang will be left with a continued flow of resources and the the Thai guy might no longer be "marketable" in the relationship market. It often troubles me that many farang don't appreciate the risk the Thai guy is taking.

 

Good point. I think this might be why some of these relationships, which might be otherwise successful fail. People just don't put themselves fully in the other person's shoes to understand their desires and worries.

 

amazed at the reactions of some of my friends. Rather than hoped for empathy I received mini lectures about how they would never allow that in "their" homes. But, after 12 years together when does "my home" become "our home"? Would my friends have been equally critical if it had been MY house guest who had come for a prolonged visit or would they have expected my boyfriend to accomodate without objection? Do we farang ever get over the notion that this is "mine" and move to this is "ours"?

 

What kind of relationships do your friends have? You might need to educate them that they are applying this attitude (right or wrong) to a context different to their own situation... your situation is different.

 

If i am invited for an excursion and reply that I have to check with Ken (my bf) if there are any intervening plans, it's not unusual to get asked "why" or receive looks of diapproval from my friends.

 

That's probably a good reason you've been together 12 years!

[Guest fountainhall]

Do we farang ever get over the notion that this is "mine" and move to this is "ours"?

This is indeed an interesting topic. I am friends with several long-term gay couples. One - from Britain and Singapore – now live in Sydney, are Australian citizens and recently celebrated 20 years together. Another - British/Thai who live here in Thailand - are in their 8th and had their civil partnership in the UK last year. In both cases, there is a major age gap but all have their own jobs. Equally, in both cases, the British partner will almost invariably defer to what the other wishes. In their cases, it is the Singaporean and the Thai who look after the money, who decide (after discussion with their respective partners) where and when to go on holiday, who decide if the apartment needs repainting, etc. It is how both couples feel most comfortable and how they wish to live. In one case, the Asian earns more than the westerner. In the other, it is the opposite.

 

Another partnership between an Asian and Caucasian is now in its 25th year. In this case, the age difference is minimal, and the roles are reversed. Whilst the Asian did work for many years, he gave up about 6 years ago. It is the American who continues to work and bring in an admittedly very large salary. They will always discuss things, but it is usually the American who makes the decisions - and the Asian defers.

 

Thinking over the many times I have spent together with these friends, I cannot recall any time at all when others have criticised the way they live their lives and/or the way they relate to each other. Might it be because none of the Asians had ever been bar boys? It can't be because such criticism is levelled only when it is known that one came from a very poor background, if only because that is true in one of the first two examples I outlined above.

 

I also have an ex-boyfriend who lives in Taiwan. His family was not poor, but it was never more than basically comfortable. Less than half my age, my ex really enjoyed going to nice restaurants, being introduced to the theatre, to opera, dance and concerts, and to travelling together. But he always felt a sense of guilt that it was I who suggested we go to this, that or the next thing – even though he admitted he couldn’t make such suggestions because he had no prior experience. So he’d agree with my suggestions. And generally he loved it – as I loved seeing him experience that enjoyment.

 

But – and this was to become a major problem over the years – he was determined never to become a ‘kept’ boy because I was always the one who paid. His job paid him only enough to survive, to make a small contribution to his family and to what we did together – and so there really was no choice for him. Also, when we travelled in Europe, he was always slightly embarrassed when others looked at us. No matter how hard I tried to make him understand that they are just people with their own prejudices, he found it increasingly difficult. It was partly this that in the end drove us apart.

 

So, my point is, I suppose, that there really are no hard and fast rules. Every couple has to find out the best way of living together. There has to be give and take, and a lot of compromise. If friends do not accept such compromises, then I’d say “Tough!” It’s your lives, and I suggest they are not really such good friends if they do not understand that. (I’m sorry this is an even longer post!)

[PattayaMale]

've also given some thought to the division of assets issue. I've recently emerged from a prolonged visit by mama (3 excruciating weeks!!!) and been amazed at the reactions of some of my friends. Rather than hoped for empathy I received mini lectures about how they would never allow that in "their" homes. But, after 12 years together when does "my home" become "our home"? Would my friends have been equally critical if it had been MY house guest who had come for a prolonged visit or would they have expected my boyfriend to accomodate without objection? Do we farang ever get over the notion that this is "mine" and move to this is "ours"?

 

I am surprised that all you and your Boyfriend own, belong to both of you as in a 50-50 split. Do I understand that you bank account and investments are in his and your name? Does your BF have the same control over the money, or do you have the real say? Does he get 50% of your pension and investments? Do you pay him an allowance that is equal to 50% of what you make?

 

Do only you and your BF live in your residence or do other of his or your relatives live with you full time? If he would decide to move other relatives in would this be OK with you? I am not being critical, just asking questions as you asked us.

 

I would have been one to say that I would have offered to put them up in a hotel instead of having them stay 3 weeks. There are a couple reasons. I think that this might make the family comfortable since their is a great difference in language and culture. When I have friends visit me from USA, I let them know where their are good hotels for a good price. This way they can do what they want when they want. Why should I put that pressure on me and my partner? I think that your boyfriend should have done the same. There are plenty of rentals that are not expensive. You and he could still hang out with them every day.

 

In my case, my BF actually owns the house we live in. But he does not get 50% of my savings, checking, or investment. I control that 100%.

 

Some people may think that their life together with a young Thai guy is just like a marriage in the US. They think in terms of husband - wife. But I do not think it is that way. Even 12+ years of being together does not mean that there will be another 12+ years. If a time comes when you would not be together would he get "our" 50% of all assets? I doubt it very much. My BF would not.

 

He has "his" truck, I have "my" car. He has his bike, I have my bike. He has his bank account, I have my bank account. He has his friends, I have my friends. It is very seldom he joins me for dinner with "my" friends. He is welcome, but he does not enjoy it. I am welcome to go with him and his friends, but I do not enjoy it.

 

So when does his home become our home? I think it is but that does not mean that his relatives or my friends need to stay there. When I go to his parents house, we do not stay in their house. If I would they would go out of their way to accommodate me. But I would be so bored as I can not speak Thai. My BF speaks English very well. So it is much easier for him to be part of the "party" with my friends.

 

This is an interesting post by RichLB. I do not know of a farang with a long term BF that really does not dominate the relationship. There are some that might want to think all is 50/50, but I wonder if it is reality

[Guest GaySacGuy]

Rich...I think it is all about how you look at the relationship. In the straight world some husbands will make plans w/o ashing their spouse, and some won't...it's how they view their relationship. There has to be a time that it is an equal relationship. Sure, the older party usually puts in the majority of the money, but who does more work, cleaning, etc???

 

I speak of "ours" when I talk about most things my bf and I share. I look upon it kind of like a marriage without the ceremony. My sister asked when my boyfriend was going to get a job...I said he has one, taking care of me.. I wonder if she would have asked when my wife was going to get a job if I was married to a Thai girl??? I think not.

 

I have had the "Mother" visits, but they were never prolonged...But, then Mother stayed in our house while we traveled to Vietnam, and cared for the house, yard, and dogs. No problem here.

[Guest Astrrro]

I have my friends. It is very seldom he joins me for dinner with "my" friends. He is welcome, but he does not enjoy it.

 

It is good to have lots of space in relationships.

 

I like hanging out in bars with my farang friends but my teerak does not.

[Guest RichLB]

Thanks guys, the responses are showing the insights and thought I was hoping would be posted. I am not looking for advice, but more curious how others view these issues. Please keep it up as long as it is a topic of interest.

[Guest wyrleyboy]

We have been living together in UK continuously for more than three years, after about eight years in a long distance relationship.

 

Both his parents died in that period but he was the major provider for his family for even longer. I'm sure that he still does.

 

He is just turned 40 and I have just retired (early I might add) so we are now about equal, but I am sad that his obligations to his family means that most of his earnings were spent by others, who I think took him for granted.

 

I am content that he will buy food and drinks when we go out, even though the car only requires petrol when I am driving. And he doesn't ask me for 'help'.

 

We are in touch with a few other similar couples in UK who also seem very happy with their relationships.