Long-term relationships -- Cultural + National differences

[Guest cdnmatt]

Hey guys,

 

Hope you don't mind, but I enjoy being able to get my thoughts and ideas out, while getting feedback on them. On that other board I generally just get told I'm stupid and naive after being honest, which gets tiresome, so thought I'd try this board. I know many of you have excellent, long-term relationships with Thais, and some of you have even found your home in Europe together. I'm curious about your experiences and insight.

 

Briefly, been with the BF for 11 months, we love each other, can't see it ending, blah, blah... Granted, we have our share of problems and everything, but when it comes down to it, we are there for each other, and I can't think of anyone else I'd prefer to spend my days, months, and years with. I know he feels the same, and actually, moreso than I do.

 

It's at that natural point, where in the near future our relationship will escalate up a notch again. This has been worrying me a bit over the past few weeks, as this will be the point where the relationship fully solidifies into a "ok, we're obviously both in this journey of life together, and for good". I'm a little uncertain how this will play out, and become a long-lasting, stable relationship that we're both happy with.

 

Come May 1st, it'll be exactly one year since I was last in Canada, so obviously, I've been missing it lately, especially my friends and family. I'm 100% committed to this relationship, but I'm also not willing to give up my home country, which is where the problem lies. Now, the BF is Thai, and I don't mean simply due to his nationality, but he IS THAI. For one example, I have a difficult time convincing him to come out for a steak dinner with me, and when he does give in, it's obvious he's uncomfortable at the restaurant. He'd much prefer eating at the market for 60 baht.

 

So if I have a hard time taking him out for a steak dinner in Issan, how am I supposed to take him to Vancouver or Toronto? The long distance relationship thing wouldn't work at all for us, and I know we have to spend at least 80% of our time together, or else everything will fall apart. I love Thailand, and very much enjoy many aspects of the cultural and society here. At the same time, I love Canada, and miss many aspects of it.

 

My ideal situation would be to do a 50/50 thing for the long-term. You know, spend the summers in Canada, and winters in Thailand, or something. Thing is, he's never experienced new cultures, doesn't know about culture shock yet, etc., so I'm very uncertain how he'd take to Canada. There's a small chance he'll fall in love with Canada, but again, he's typically THAI, and I think there's a decent chance he'll hate Canada. In Canada, you can't just head to the market, grab a shirt for $6, then some khao man gai for $1.

 

I think what we're going to do is get him enrolled into an English language school in Canada, and get him in with a student VISA. That seems far easier to get than a tourist VISA. This way, he experiences Canada for a few months, goes to school to keep his mind healthy, is in the same shoes as loads of people who are also in a strange land, gets to make friends with loads of people from various backgrounds and cultures, etc. Then just take it as it comes.

 

I don't know, guess I'm just looking for any stories or insights you could share. Have you guys ever taken your Thai BF back to your home country? If so, how did it go? How did he take to the Western way of living? Any problems, and if so, how were they remedied?

 

Cheers guys!

[Guest RichLB]

I'm sure you've considered all I have to say, but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts you BF will be miserable in Canada.

 

Firstly, he'll be cold - even during the summer. As stultifying most of us find the Thai heat, the guys are used to it and although they complain about it, I think they actually like it. What we call a wonderful comfortable day, they are likely to feel they are at the north pole.

 

Then there's the issue of food. Your BF sounds much like mine. On rare occasions I can get him to a farang restaurant, but it's clear he's making a sacrifice to please me. Like your BF, mine much prefer to either cook his own or eat street food. And, I'm guessing you're thinking, "Well, no problem. There are Thai restaurants in Vancuever and Toronto." Undoubtedly true, but they won't offer real Thai food (the ingredients are simply not available and the chef will cook for his customer base - farangs. I'm pretty sure your BF will find it unpalatable.

 

Now add loneliness. It's going to be really tough for him to make friends there. Even if he speaks English, it won't be the same for him when he banters with his friends here. And, even his Thai will be compromised. There may be Thais in Canada, but do they speak Isaan, northern Thai, southern Thai or Bangkok Thai. It will matter to your BF. I bet you can relate to that. Imagine being in a place where there were no other farang for you to talk to in your language. For your BF it would be worse.

 

Then there's the issue of costs. I don't quite understand why, but even after 11 years together my BF and I go around and around about how much things cost. I have not succeeded n assuring him that spending an extra couple of baht on something makes no difference to me. It does to him. Even when purchasing things at the Thai market, I have to endure the price comparisons he makes with the prices in his home village. I shudder to think how he would react to prices in Canada.

 

And, don't underestimate the influence of a prolonged separation from his family. Even if they live in another part of Thailand from you guys, he will miss them eormously if living on the other side of the ocean.

 

I can go on and regret pouring ice water on your plans. I just don't think it's a good idea unless you are only going for a semi short vacation, but that isn't what it sounds like you are planning. If you are still committed to this plan, please go on a short trip first before asking him to pull up stakes for 6 months a year.

[mahjongguy]

Matt, I have some Thai friends who would move to Canada in the blink of an eye and never look back. BUT, my b/f isn't one of them. I took him to San Francisco for two weeks and he nearly starved to death.

 

Only one way to find out...

[Gaybutton]

Before you can even think about taking him back with you, first he has to be able to get a visa. I'm not Canadian, so I don't know how difficult it would be for him to even be able to get a visa.

 

Assuming he succeeds in getting a visa, your main issue seems to be food. Are there any Asian grocery stores near you where he can get the foods he likes? Are there any Thai restaurants?

 

Another problem is what he would do with himself all day if you're not around. In Thailand, as a farang life is much easier. So much is in English and plenty of people speak English. Even a lot of television is in English and movies in English have Thai subtitles. Being an English speaking farang in Thailand is not very much of a problem.

 

But how about him? It must be far more difficult to be a Thai in Canada than it is to be a Canadian in Thailand. How difficult will it be for him to go out and do things? What about friends? And if you have experience in Thailand then you are probably aware of how important being within range of the family is.

 

He may love it or he may hate it. If it were me, if he is able to get a visa I would take him for a month, making sure he has space to try doing things on his own as well as with you. That ought to tell the tale and a month should be enough time to see how well he likes being in Canada.

 

Another thing for you to think about - are you sure he really wants to go? Over the years I've heard many stories about well-intentioned farang taking their boyfriends back to their home country. In many cases the outcome was the boyfriend was back in Thailand within a few months, broke and disillusioned. Not that such a thing would necessarily happen in your case, but something you should really think about is whether taking him to Canada is truly for his benefit or for your own.

[kokopelli]

Even though my bf is a farang foodie I would never consider bringing him to my country.

Getting a visa would be impossible and he would be miserable.

[Guest]

Well, surely he should have the opportunity to experience a visit to Canada to start with?

[Gaybutton]

Well, surely he should have the opportunity to experience a visit to Canada to start with?

Yes, the opportunity . . . if he wants it. But some well-meaning farang just about force it even when the boy makes it clear that he doesn't want to go. That's when the trouble starts and the boy and the farang usually both end up miserable. I would offer him the opportunity, but let him make his own decisions. If he says he doesn't want to go, then I wouldn't try to browbeat him into it.

 

I think a major consideration should be taking an honest look at who it's really for - the boy or one's self.

[Guest]

Well, this topic and the course of conversation really hits home. As I have been wanting my BF to go to USA for study, I know the feelings you are having Matt. I think a lot of great advice has been given. My suggestion is Gaybutton's last statement, "If he doesn't want to go, then I wouldn't browbeat him into it.."

[Guest]

Yes, the opportunity . . . if he wants it.

 

I only visited Asia for the first time as it came with the job.

Now I would like to move there permanently.

 

Your friend may benefit from having his horizons broadened. He may even grow to like the idea of 6 months in Canada & 6 months in Thailand. Don't count on it though.