In the home of my boy

[Guest pete1969]

I know there is always interest when a farang goes to visit a boy in his home. I thought I'd share my experience. Unlike most, I actually decided to spend a month with my boy in his home after seing pictures and after having high speed Internet installed beofre my arrival (my time in Thailand is a working holiday, and I use my laptop to work).

 

My boy lives in an upper middle class suburb of Mae Jun which is half way between Chaing Rai and Mae Sai. He has a three bedroom house built on land next door to his grandmother and across from several aunts (all on his mother's side). His first farang BF built the house for him, and it was nice, but had no AC. However, he lives in the far North of Thailand in a very cool region. He had a private toilet in his room with Western facilities. At the time of my visit, he had little furniture, so I spent money to furnish his bedroom and kitchen and living room. It cost me around 15,000 BT which is cheaper than I would have paid for a hotel for the almost five week period.

 

My boy has a small family (mother, stepfather, and a small adopted sister who is 18 months). His step father works as a laborer earning 150 BT each day and his mother stays in the home. His mother and father both had 16 siblings, so he has a very large extended family. There are several farang who have homes in his suburb, so I was not a huge novelty to anyone, although a farang in a home will always invite curiousity. Many people did come to peek into the bedroom where I worked, as a farang working via a laptop in the home was an unusual site (and brought much face to his family).

 

I greatly enjoyed my stay. His young sister came to accept me as part of the family, and she would often cry when she could not come into our bedroom and sit on the bed and help me work on my laptop. His mother was always worried that I did not have enough to eat, and his stepfather would take me on walks around the village and introduce me to people. The stepfather liked to drink, and my boy was not close to him. I think the boy's University education and well off lifestyle made him feel ashamed of his father. He adored his mother. (His real father died when he was young.)

 

My boy also has a car, so it was very easy for us to travel to many places. We would usually take a car trip in the middle of the afternoon (and enjoy the AC in the car), and I would work from mid evening until lateat night. I ate one or two meals every day in his home (his mother is a great cook) and usually one meal in a restaurant. I did make sure to stock up on Diet Coke, bottled water, and snacks at the Big C. By the time I left, I felt right at home helping myself in the kitchen, and I actually cooked a couple of times.

 

There were some mild annoyances. First, I was very dependent upon my boy. I could not go anywhere if he was not there to take me. I also had no one to talk to but my boy. His family tried to communicate with me, but it was difficult. I really missed speaking with other people. The Internet and my work helped me not feel too cut off. My other petty complaints were there were no bug screens on the windows, so at night I had to fight off the bugs. There was also no shower stall in the toilet, so the floor was always wet. Thankfully, at least there was a Western toilet as I don't do squat toilets well. There was also no hot water.

 

The boy also owned a three acre rice farm near his house. His stepfather works the rice farm three months each year. The rice farm produced rice for the family, but did not provide much money (it was very small). When I aksed the boy why he had bought it, he said for face. "Everyone owns a rice farm." While I was there they did take their twice yearly harvest of fish who feed on the rice stalks which they dried and ate throughout the year. So, I guess the fish and the rice together did provide them with nominal sustenance. His mother also had the front and back yards planted with vegatables as well as another plot of land they owned (away from the main road and the site of their earlier house). So, even with little money, the boy and his small family could eat.

 

I did notice a couple of times, neighbors coming into his yard to take fruits and vegetables. When I asked him if this was okay, he told me that anyone in the neighborhood could take what they wanted and that his mother would often get fruits and vegetables from the neighbors. He also told me his mother was careful to plant seasonal produce, so there would stuff to harvest almost all year round.

 

My other dificulty was the death by a thousand cuts when it came to money. Anytime we went anywhere, a couple of cousins or an auntie would show up to go. So, if we ate anywhere or bought snacks or went somewhere with an admission charge, I had to pay. There was always one more small expense to pay in the household: power bill, gas for the stove, donation for someone's funeral, mother wanting money for the market. It was always smaller money--40 bath, 100 baht, 300baht--but at the end of the day, it did add up. The better way would have been to give the boy a set amount up front for the month. However, it would not have stopped the relatives going with us everytime we went anywhere. It wasn't a huge issue, but one I will handle better in the future.

 

Staying so long did allow me to see the daily rountines of the home and of a Thai family. The parents were usually up at 7am and in bed by 9pm (as it seemed most Thai families in the neighborhood were). My boy doesn't like to drink, so he fell into the same pattern. Going to the market and cooking were major parts of each day. Many family members stopped by the house every day. It was actually a fairly mundane life that centered around family, eating, working--like life anywhere else. A trip to a disco or karaoke was a rare treat, and unlike in tourist areas, the Thais I knew did not seem to have this a staple of their week. It was a very peaceful existence, I thought, if a little boring for me. Also, like everywhere, the TV was the big source of entertainment.

 

Last, we were very much accepted as a couple. All the family and neighbors knew we slept in the same bed. Our sex life was affected a little but more by our schedules not matching (the boy woke and went to sleep at different times than me). I was a little sad that a lot of the affectionate stuff (little kisses, hand holding, etc) had to be curtailed for the family, but I dealt with it.

 

Will I do it again? I will visit the boy's home again, yes, and stay a couple of nights. However, any couple needs their space and privacy, so I would not do it again for a one month period. However, I am happy I had the experience. I think it made the boy and I closer, and I have a very good understanding now of his everyday life at home. I met many of his family and friends. I feel a small part of his family.

 

Pete

 

 

[firecat69]

Great Story!! Thanks for taking the time to write it.

[Gaybutton]

Thank you for this absolutely excellent post.

 

My response to what you wrote is based on my own experiences, my own opinions, and what I have heard from others. Others are likely to disagree with what I am about to write if their own experiences have been different.

 

What you wrote is typical of what to expect on a visit to a boy's home. That includes the "farang" being expected to pay for everything and everybody. My understanding of Thai culture is that whoever has the most money, in family situations, is expected to pay when going out to restaurants and entertainment venues. If there is going to be a party, and there probably will be, then the "farang" is expected to foot the bill for that too, despite the fact that the party is in 'your honor.'

 

The solution to this sort of problem is to have a talk with the boy in advance of the trip. Make it clear to him what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and how much you are willing to spend. For example, if mention is made of a party, then give the boy the money to pay for it in advance and let him know that is the limit. Make sure he understands that if the cost goes beyond what you give him, you won't pay for the additional cost. Be certain he understands you will not deviate from that. Often, during a party, then next thing you know is the boy comes to you and says something like, "Whisky finish already. You can give me 1000 baht for buy more?"

 

When it comes to going to dinners and such, it is typical for family members and friends to invite themselves along and they expect you to foot the bill. Again, talk with the boy in advance and let him know that if anybody wants to come along for anything you wish to do, then you expect the boy to talk to you about it first, and make sure he understands that he is to talk with you in private, without the "other participants" being present. Often, you are asked if someone can go too and that person, or persons, is right there in front of you, making it very difficult to say no. Let him know you don't want to be surprised by five or six people, or more, going along when you had no expectation of that and you're the one stuck with whatever bill amount they run up.

 

Don't forget, having a "farang" boyfriend often brings with it great status for the boy, especially if he comes from a poor family. In many cases, that's why he sought out a "farang" in the first place. Being able to have friends and family go along, with you footing the bill, enhances his status. That wouldn't be a problem so much except that it often results in the family starting to look upon you as their unlimited ATM. You become the goose laying their golden egg. I advise making it clear in advance what your limitations are and that you will not tolerate going beyond your limitations or being put on the spot.

 

If you can't speak much Thai, then communication can certainly be a problem, but finding ways to communicate can be half the fun. I'm glad that his family members made the effort. I hear a lot of stories from "farang" who visit the boy's home and the only communication is a few smiles from the family members or being ignored completely. Meanwhile, the "farang" has absolutely no idea what's going on. That is certainly not anybody's fault, but it can get very old very quickly.

 

There is a solution to that too. Take along a good Thai phrase book. In my opinion, the best one of all is titled Essential Thai, by James Higbie. Bookazine carries it, or you can probably order it in advance from places like Amazon.com or another online book supplier. The ISBN number is 974-202-035-3. You might also want to bring along a few books of your own. It is very unlikely that the family will have cable TV, so a few books might help you to keep from going nuts when there is absolutely nothing to do and nobody you can talk with.

 

Few Thai homes have screens on the windows, even the more well to do homes. If the boy comes from a poor family, then hot water is not likely. You can buy them an on-demand water heater inexpensively, assuming they even have plumbing at all. Many of the poorer Thai homes don't. You can even do something simple, such as buying a new plastic trash can, having them heat water in pots, and fill the trash can with it. Now you can use a bowl or something to shower and shave comfortably. Of course, some "farang" enjoy the primitive life for a time. For some people visiting the family, but staying in a hotel might be the better option.

 

Being able to visit the boyfriend's hometown and family can be the highlight of your trip. It can also be absolute hell. It all depends on being adaptable, being flexible, and anticipating as much as you can.

 

Another suggestion is to bring some gifts for the family. Practical gifts seem to be appreciated more than anything else. Have the boy help you decide what to give. You might be surprised. The first time I visited my boyfriend's family he wanted to give them laundry detergent and a six-pack of fish sauce! If you have had an enjoyable experience, it doesn't hurt a thing to slip the family (a poor family) a few thousand baht when you are going to leave. If it's a more well-to-do family, doing something like going to their Buddhist temple and giving a donation to the temple is very much appreciated.

 

I also have a couple of concerns about what you wrote. You said that a former "farang" boyfriend bought the house. You also said there is a car, so I'm assuming that also came from the "farang." My first question is did the house and car come from the same "farang?" I'm concerned that this boy may be going through "farang" until the well runs dry and then moves on to the next one.

 

What became of the first "farang"? What ended the relationship? It is not usual for someone to buy a house and a car for a boy, furnish the house with western style plumbing and items, and then decide to walk away from the relationship. It seems as if the first "farang" intended to be a part of this boy's life for quite some time. What happened? I am worried for your sake about that. I hope you are not being conned. I've seen it happen, unfortunately, many times.

[TotallyOz]

Pete, your story really took me there with you. Great article. Thank you!

[Guest pete1969]

GB,

 

Thanks for the concern. As for the first farang, it is a story I don't want to air on the forum. The boy actually pays for the car himself (he got it financed through his mother's good friend's finance company and with the help of three cosigners).

 

As for being conned, I've been with the boy day in and day out for three months now (sadly I return to America tomorrow after four months here), and I actually learned from advice on your old website to set an amount for support and not budge off it. So, if the boy can't make it on what I'm offering, then he will have to find another farang. He knows this. My first Thai BF was one of those for whom I could never do enough, and I won't ever repeat that.

 

Pete

 

BTW, GB, I agree with just about everything you had to say.

 

As for me, I bought lots of diapers and milk for the young sister, rice and cooking oil, lots of other foodstuffs, and I slipped the mother a 1,000 baht note on several occassions (as well, my boy pays for almost all the household expenses for the family anyway).

 

I do think that sometimes the boy finds that he also loses face when he won't allow the cousins and other relatives to tag along. I tried to be aware of that while at the same time not being overwhelmed by hordes of family members.

 

Pete

[dapitt]

I do think that sometimes the boy finds that he also loses face when he won't allow the cousins and other relatives to tag along. I tried to be aware of that while at the same time not being overwhelmed by hordes of family members.

 

I had wondered about that ....about your BF needing to save face. Thanks for your report, Pete. It is this type of posting I enjoy so much and gain so much from.

 

[Guest hajuthai]

Thank you for an interesting story, Pete. You have been lucky, that your b/f have such a nice and wellequipped house.

I have also visit my b/f,s house in Isaan. It is a house build with steelplates. No windows, no fan or aircon, there are elctricity. Toilet is a hole, bath very primitive. Life is under the house, cooking, eating, talking. In the house only to sleep on the floor. So when we visit his family I stay guetshouse or hotel.

And family and friends come to see farang and they expect that farang pay food, beer, thaiwhiskye. But okay, things are cheap in the village.

My b/f want to build a new house - for my money, but I have told him, that we wait. B)

[Gaybutton]

My b/f want to build a new house - for my money, but I have told him, that we wait. B)

 

Sometimes a relationship is going well enough that a "farang" does decide to build a house for the family. Personally, I think that's a mistake, but several people have done that. The problem is not necessarily that the relationship ends after the house is built, although I have heard many such stories. The problem often occurs when the relationship is going just fine, but the "farang" has been so generous that he not only built the house, but installed air conditioning, televisions, refrigerator, washing machine, stereo, etc. Then, when the montly electric bill comes, the family can't pay it. So, they hit up the "farang" for that too . . . every month.