Why this Thai boy was offended?

[Min]

I got a so-called love confession from a bar boy on Hornet. Have some vague ideas who he is from his online pictures. A waiter/host in M2M bar in Jomtien Complex where I frequented many times to watch their show over the last few months. I saw him in the bar but we never actually talked.

I don't even know how to respond further but saying sorry. Still don't understand why he was offended? Did I say something culturally inappropriate? Now I don't even dare to walk past the bar

[reader]

Maybe he misunderstood or misinterpreted "just joking" comment. But look on the bright side: you're loved by someone you obviously made a wonderful initial impression on. That can't be a bad thing. 🙂

[Olddaddy]

My interpretation and please don't take it the wrong way .. is because you don't "look him" which means I guess talk to him / hire his services 

Obviously he is not in "love " with you ,he is a business man but he sounds a bit inpatient as you are not showing him interest. 

I guess this is a type of "psychology" to make you feel guilty?

And I guess thinking someone "loves"or cares for  you ( I don't mean you personally but that's what my interpretation is that he is trying to project ) sort of a guilt trip .

He is using psychological business tactics😂 ( if there is such a thing)

[Min]

1 hour ago, reader said:

Maybe he misunderstood or misinterpreted "just joking" comment. But look on the bright side: you're loved by someone you obviously made a wonderful initial impression on. That can't be a bad thing. 🙂

I thought those were just the usual pick-up lines bar boys used to get customers. It wasn't until he sounded offended that I realized he probably meant it.

[Boy69]

I agree with @Olddaddy,  As you mentioned your frequent visits at this boy's bar made him considering you as a potential long term relationship based on financial support obviously,  some of the Bar boys are tired of seeking customers for every  shift work so finding long term falang who can support them financially without the need working every night at the bar seems very appealing,.

 

[colmx]

So many crazy boys on hornet that try to manipulate farang customers using this technique. In my experience it's something that the non-Thais tend to do more than the Thais. 

Just ignore him, especially when he starts threatening self harm as you don't love him etc etc.

I had it twice in April

[Olddaddy]

31 minutes ago, colmx said:

So many crazy boys on hornet that try to manipulate farang customers using this technique. In my experience it's something that the non-Thais tend to do more than the Thais. 

Just ignore him, especially when he starts threatening self harm as you don't love him etc etc.

I had it twice in April

Non thais? 

[colmx]

6 minutes ago, Olddaddy said:

Non thais? 

Bar boys from the South East Asian neighbors of Thailand 

[speedoo1]

young drama guy! better ignore than keep msg bcoz it will only get worse.

[Olddaddy]

11 minutes ago, colmx said:

Bar boys from the South East Asian neighbors of Thailand 

Oh ok ...I thought you were picking on my precious loving beautiful sexy Filipino boys👍🤣

[vaughn]

Just a wild guess, but I think he may have been offended when you asked to go with him for free and he agreed then you declined by saying it was a joke.
I doubt he is actually upset, but nuances in English can be easily misinterpreted so 'just joking' could come across as laughing at him or something out of context like that?

I  have had some conversations do complete 180s with some Thai boys because my Australianism expressions don't translate.

[floridarob]

50 minutes ago, speedoo1 said:

young drama guy! better ignore than keep msg bcoz it will only get worse.

EXACTLY.....

[vinapu]

1 hour ago, vaughn said:

Just a wild guess, but I think he may have been offended when you asked to go with him for free and he agreed then you declined by saying it was a joke.

my thought exactly.

Actually I think I'd be offended too if , say , boy asked if I will off him, I confirmed and then he said "I was joking, can't go with you" 

[Min]

3 hours ago, vaughn said:

I think he may have been offended when you asked to go with him for free and he agreed then you declined by saying it was a joke.

nuances in English can be easily misinterpreted so 'just joking' could come across as laughing at him or something out of context like that?

I  have had some conversations do complete 180s with some Thai boys because my Australianism expressions don't translate.

That makes sense to me. Maybe he was serious about "going with me for free" and then thought I just treated his intention "as a joke" and him "as toy boy".

The guilt-trip techniques @Olddaddy and @colmx mentioned also seem plausible, but for those to work, I should have gone out with him (paid or not) at least once before the drama right? We hadn't even talked (in real life or on Hornet before), and as he said, I didn't even look at him when I was in the bar.

[Min]

4 hours ago, speedoo1 said:

young drama guy! better ignore than keep msg bcoz it will only get worse.

He didn't give me that chance though. When I woke up this morning, Hornet noti shows he sent a bunch of additional messages around 3 am but when I logged on to check, his nick was gone. He blocks me and I am still not sure why he was so upset.

[Olddaddy]

1 hour ago, Min said:

He didn't give me that chance though. When I woke up this morning, Hornet noti shows he sent a bunch of additional messages around 3 am but when I logged on to check, his nick was gone. He blocks me and I am still not sure why he was so upset.

The only way to find out if he is free and really likes you  is to go to the bar and off/bar fine him from the bar, I would do it otherwise you will never know and regret it ! 👍👍

Life is short ,you have nothing to lose and more to gain especially if it's true love 💜

[PeterRS]

Being partnered in Thailand, my bf is aware I have some apps still on my phone which I use occasionally when I travel. Yes, I know I could temporarily delete them but it's just easier to keep them there. I therefore have some experience of chatting with Thai boys as most weeks there are a few who click on me.

In my limited experience can I suggest that as others have suggested unless you know a guy at least a little, joking with Thai boys often backfires. What a westerner considers a joke, very often Thais do not. Years ago I used to go out on Sundays for dinner and a visit to a bar or two with a good friend I have known for decades. He loved to joke with the boys. Although I suggested several times that he stop doing it as virtually all the boys had no idea what he was talking about, he just kept on doing it. In a bar setting he could get away with it - just. I suspect on the apps there is always a danger it will be taken the wrong way.

Then if someone clicks on me whom I do not know or do not want to know, I keep everything simple and merely end the conversation as politely as I consider appropriate. So I usually say "sorry I do not know you" and then enter into no more communication. Or in the OP's case above, perhaps a "sorry I was only there for the shows and was not looking for company" might have been more effective. My feeling is that expressions of "I like/love you" or "I love your photos" rarely mean anything other than sex with you might be fun - tip or no tip depending on how the chat continues. So best to end the chat quickly and make sure nothing follows.

[Shonen]

They don’t really understand sarcasm. They take most things literally. And why not? English is not easy for them. My boyfriend is amazed at how many different words mean the same thing.

keep things simple and try not to joke around on the apps, unless you’re trying to aggravate them.

[Londoner]

Language difficulties abound in our relationships with Thais. I can recall, even now, how hurt I was on a couple of occasions many years ago when my innocent and good-natured comments were completely misunderstood. I suspect that this is what happened with Min.

A guy for whom English is a second- language will probably employ particular  predictive phrases on his phone, sometimes choosing badly. And Shonen is correct about sarcasm. It's also true of teasing, which for us is is often an expression of affection. I once saw a falang teasing a waiter in a  bar- a guy whom he'd offed frequently and rated very highly- by laughing at his new teeth-braces. It didn't end well.

[Gaybutton]

Here's my opinion:

You know how much attention I would pay to this?  None.  Zero.  Nada.  And the last thing you should do is be reluctant to go right back to that bar.  I would sit down as usual where you normally sit.  If he approaches and wants to talk, that's fine.  I would greet him with a smile and a nice hello.  I would talk as if this non-incident never happened.  If it is brought up, let him be the one who brings it up.  Tell him you never meant any offense and he misunderstood what you meant - and then take it from there.  For sure you don't need to walk on eggs to talk to him.

I doubt he was actually offended at all.  I've seen this same kind of manipulation tactic used by boys many times over the years.  I've had some of them try it on me too.  It's all a part of trying to get what's in your wallet moved into his.  And on you it seems to be working.  He's got you feeling guilty and wondering what you did wrong or what you could have said differently.  In other words, now he's got the control.  Don't let him have it.  Don't let him put you on the defensive.  Don't worry about whether you have offended him.  Let him be the one who has to worry about whether he has offended you.

If you are interested in him, fine.  If not, I'd give him nothing more than a polite nod and move right to a boy who does interest you.

[gayinpattaya]

2 hours ago, Gaybutton said:

Here's my opinion:

You know how much attention I would pay to this?  None.  Zero.  Nada.  And the last thing you should do is be reluctant to go right back to that bar.  I would sit down as usual where you normally sit.  If he approaches and wants to talk, that's fine.  I would greet him with a smile and a nice hello.  I would talk as if this non-incident never happened.  If it is brought up, let him be the one who brings it up.  Tell him you never meant any offense and he misunderstood what you meant - and then take it from there.  For sure you don't need to walk on eggs to talk to him.

I doubt he was actually offended at all.  I've seen this same kind of manipulation tactic used by boys many times over the years.  I've had some of them try it on me too.  It's all a part of trying to get what's in your wallet moved into his.  And on you it seems to be working.  He's got you feeling guilty and wondering what you did wrong or what you could have said differently.  In other words, now he's got the control.  Don't let him have it.  Don't let him put you on the defensive.  Don't worry about whether you have offended him.  Let him be the one who has to worry about whether he has offended you.

If you are interested in him, fine.  If not, I'd give him nothing more than a polite nod and move right to a boy who does interest you.

 

Everything said here is 100% spot on. I had a real world example of this recently. I always had the rule, don't shit where you eat. 
2 months ago I broke that rule, and took a boy from a bar I visit almost daily. 

We had a short time and 1 long time in a week, and I was kind of done. I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious. But he made it clear he was. He turned on his stalker mode. The next week was a mix of begging on LINE, and overly affectionate when I was in the bar, to the point of annoyance. He knew what he was doing. I didn't play along, just waited for him to get bored. 

A week later, it has devolved to dirty looks from across the bar. That lasted a week. 
For the last week or so, he doesn't even make eye contact with me. I no longer exist to him. He's moved onto new targets.

If you are a regular at M2M, and there is an issue, just pull Beer aside (the cashier with the cap) and mention something, tactfully. Having said that, as GayButton said, I don't think it will be needed. Just smile and carry on with your routine. 

[Olddaddy]

I guess some of you got ..how do I put it ..." Too involved personally" with the boys ? 

Would that be right? 

You overstepped the professional boundaries of a money boy?

You went beyond the business boundaries and made it personally for them, I have doubts though they had the same feeling as you and was more for business.

Some of you I guess crave that boyfriend experience but your  dealing with money boys 

Last month in jomtien I hired the services of a guy on grindr who I known for years ,he told me often of lonely farang who would be regulars who would just hire him to come over and eat with them or watch a movie together,they would call him their friend in which reality he wasn't ,

I guess you could say they overstepped that professional boundary 

[Olddaddy]

1 hour ago, Olddaddy said:

I guess some of you got ..how do I put it ..." Too involved personally" with the boys ? 

Would that be right? 

You overstepped the professional boundaries of a money boy?

You went beyond the business boundaries and made it personally for them, I have doubts though they had the same feeling as you and was more for business.

Some of you I guess crave that boyfriend experience but your  dealing with money boys 

Last month in jomtien I hired the services of a guy on grindr who I known for years ,he told me often of lonely farang who would be regulars who would just hire him to come over and eat with them or watch a movie together,they would call him their friend in which reality he wasn't ,

I guess you could say they overstepped that professional boundary 

Actually to correct myself ,  they didn't overstep that personal boundary unless they believed he was really their boyfriend I guess , 

 

[Boy69]

16 hours ago, Olddaddy said:

The only way to find out if he is free and really likes you  is to go to the bar and off/bar fine him from the bar, I would do it otherwise you will never know and regret it ! 👍👍

Life is short ,you have nothing to lose and more to gain especially if it's true love 💜

If it was true love the boy would never block and insist making contact with you to show you he is serious and have true feelings for you but one harmless jock from you he understood you aren't serious so he moved on to the next potential victims . He is money boy no more no less don't take this incident too seriously. The boy block you and moved on, you should do the same.

[Gaybutton]

5 hours ago, gayinpattaya said:

I had a real world example of this recently.

I'm not surprised.  As I said, I've seen this tactic time after time over the years.  Your story and Min's story are merely the two latest.

The most vulnerable farang are the first-timers and those who don't read these boards.  They go to Thailand, go to the bars for the first time, are overwhelmed that a young, good looking boy seems very interested in him, is very affectionate with him, and gives him a sexual experience like he's never had before in his life.

The farang victim is convinced the boy has fallen in love with him, so now he falls in love with the boy.  The trap has been sprung.  He treats the boy like a king while he is in Thailand and promises to financially support him after he goes back to his home country. Once he's returned home, that's when the pleas for money start.  Usually it's small amounts at first and not too often.  Then the boy comes up with more and more reasons why he needs more and more money, more and more often.  No matter how much you give him, it's never enough.  It continues until the farang just can't do it anymore.  Relationship over.  The farang is heartbroken, but the boy simply moves on to his next target if he hasn't been doing that since the moment you left.

I have a feeling more than one person reading this has had exactly that happen to him and is either still in the middle of it or has learned the hard way what truly has been going on.

I remember years ago a friend from Scotland came to Pattaya.  He met a bar boy and fell for it.  He was in love.  He forgot that nobody really falls in love that quickly and no bar boy is going to fall truly in love with a farang customer in such a short time.   Sometimes people forget - a real relationship develops over time.  Falling in true love in just a few days is fine for the movies, but in real life it doesn't work that way.

There, of course, have been exceptions, but few and far between.  I was with them the day my friend left to return to Scotland.  He was staying at the Ambiance in Pattaya.  The boy was there too while my friend was waiting for the taxi to the airport arrived.  He wanted to give the boy a lot of money to go to a language school for English lessons.  I tried to talk him out of it, but failed.  I got him to at least give me the money and let me directly pay the language school.  He agreed to that and the boy acted very excited about being able to learn English.  Meanwhile, when the taxi arrived my friend and the boy had a tearful farewell.  Then the farang got into the taxi.  No sooner than the taxi rounded the corner at Second road the boy tried to get me to give him the money.  Of course I refused.  A day or two later I took him to the language school, paid the school for his lesson program, and that was that.  A few weeks later I received an Email from my friend asking me to check with the language school about the boy's progress.  It turned out that the boy did go - for a grand total of one lesson.  Then he told some story to the school, got them to refund the money, and disappeared from Pattaya.  I never saw him again.  And I'm the one who had to break that news to my friend.  He doesn't go to Thailand at all any more.

There are so many stories.  Another of my favorites was the boy who carried around 5 mobile phones,  5 different farang.

Another one - Maybe some of you remember the lady-boy manager at Corner Bar.  He was getting financial support from 2 different farang.  Then his nightmare happened.  Both of the farang showed up at the same time for a 2 week holiday.  I don't know how he managed to successfully pull it off, but he juggled things around and got away with it.  Neither farang had any idea of the existence of the other one. (I hope neither of those farang are reading this . . .)

In other words, be careful.  Think with your head, not your crotch.  And do not - repeat: do not make any promises.  The safest thing to do with the boy of your dreams is to enjoy every moment with him, but whatever you do, don't give him your contact information, especially not your Email address.  When it is time for you to go home, give him a very generous tip, thank him for a fabulous holiday, and goodbye.  Anything more than that and you too could easily fall into the trap.  If he does manage to contact you - maybe via LINE or an app - just ignore it or block him.  Do NOT respond.  He'll stop once he realizes he's not going to get any money out of you.

One of my favorite "make me cringe" things I hear farang say - "Not this boy.  He's different."  Yeah, right.

This is a good time to once again post my all time favorite quote - The Richard Burk Philosophy:

"If you want love in Thailand, rent it."