Social anxiety

[Olddaddy]

I want to talk about something which many of you probably have never noticed ....unless you have it .

And that's called social anxiety.

It's a term that the meaning for me is people who are scared to mingle, people who think others are being negative to them  ,look it's hard to explain actually 

But I saw this a lot in the gay community in Pattaya compared to the straight community,meaning if you walk around the straight areas Soi Buckhao etc you will see many of  the farangs together and mingling.

Then walk around jomtien & Sunee you will see many farangs sitting apart by themselves at tables ,in fact The Venue stopped letting one person sit by themselves during a show 

I don't find the gay farangs as friendly as the straight farangs in Pattaya,in fact most of my 6 weeks I spent in Soi Buckhao mixing with straight farangs,now that could be my social anxiety kicking in and not really true !!!!

Sure there was some friendly guys in a few bars in jomtien complex but even of  a few  seemed to have social anxiety.

They were not talking,head down in their phones ,scared to look up ,sitting by themselves 

Even I have this previously and it's not easy to cure I still have it actually 

It's not meaning the same as introvert or extrovert ,

It means if one for example was walking thru jomtien complex he would think everyone is staring at him,he wouldn't feel ok sitting amongst these farangs ,some farang would look at him and he would think the Farang are  judging him.

They are thinking negative of him, a social anxiety person wouldn't go into busy places or like to walk through crowds .

Look I'm going to be brutally honest, I had to  have a few drinks   to go into busy areas such as jomtien complex a few times ,I didn't feel relaxed to brave the crowds and music ,not that there was any crowds just I didn't feel ok.

Music was loud , people walking past trying to bump into me, not moving out the way etc but I did feel safer say than Walking Street 

That first bar on the left as you walk into jomtien complex used to be my regular bar at the beginning of the night to have a few drinks BEFORE I walked down that complex before I braved that walk 

I know your thinking I'm crazy but it's a illness ,you thinking I never heard this before,but many have it just they cover it up by getting drunk or avoidance 

It's a illness many don't understand 

[vinapu]

9 minutes ago, Olddaddy said:

 

It's a illness many don't understand 

specially sober types, drunks don't have it

[scott456]

Whatever the personality problem we may have, we are too old to change it.  So just live with it.  Let it be.

[Olddaddy]

12 minutes ago, scott456 said:

Whatever the personality problem we may have, we are too old to change it.  So just live with it.  Let it be.

I think social anxiety though can limit your life 

Don't take this the wrong way but I gathered you too Scott  are more introverted type person ,

N ot that being introverted  has anything really to do with Social Anxiety but it can limit your life because your sort of scared to say go to a beer bar and grab a seat inside among the crowd 

A few times I walked past the House bar in jomtien complex to see a few farangs sitting playing bingo , I really just couldn't bring myself to walk in and shout hello everyone I'm playing too or something so I just kept walking, it would be different if I was drunk of  course 🥳🥳🥳

 

[PeterRS]

As a rare visitor to Pattaya, I have not even been to Jomtien Complex other to have dinner at nearby Dick's Cafe. But I do recall a great many years of visiting the gay gogo and beer bars in Bangkok. Thinking back, rarely did I ever see an individual or a small group of expat friends chat to others outside their circle. We expats were there to see the boys dancing and the shows, not to interact with foreigners we had never seen before. If I wanted to chat with someone, I'd much rather it was with a cute Thai young man!

I used to happily walk through Soi Twilight or Silom Soi 4 without a care in the world that people might be watching me, let alone "judging" me. They were there for the same reason I was. Besides I was watching them! Why should I be concerned about them watching me?

Why would I want to go to a beer bar and chat with a foreigner? If I were to look at my phone, it would be to check something or respond to a message or email. That's not being anti-social! And I for one do not believe that failure to make contact with another farang in a Thai beer bar has anything to do with being an introvert or an extrovert. Just my view.

[Olddaddy]

But the illness Social Anxiety makes you think people are watching you and judging you ,I know it's sounds weird.

But yes your goal was to visit boys only,but if your a long termer or expat you would want to talk to other same farang sometime as well.

A social anxiety person would find that difficult 

Can you walk into a crowded beer bar and strike up a conversation?

I'm not talking specifically about you Peter ,but I wonder how many of you use this excuse ,I'm only there for the boys" because deep down you do have some aspects of social anxiety and scared others may reject you 

[Shonen]

I don’t have social anxiety, I have a hearing problem. If a bar is too loud I have problems. I’m very comfortable talking to anyone if I can hear them. Sometimes I’ll just nod when in conversation because it’s embarrassing constantly asking what?, excuse me, etc.

I suppose the good news for me is that hearing aids no longer need a doctors prescription in the USA.

[a-447]

4 hours ago, Olddaddy said:

It's a illness many don't understand 

Is it an illness, or are you just shy?

[colmx]

4 hours ago, Olddaddy said:

some farang would look at him and he would think the Farang are  judging him.

Sorry this won't help your social anxiety. But they probably are judging, it's what gay queens do!

[Olddaddy]

1 hour ago, a-447 said:

Is it an illness, or are you just shy?

I think many with social anxiety can get hot sweats , etc when they get into crowded buses or trains 

[flashbarryallen]

I experience this, but it's more because I'm not so much of a people person anymore. I've turned my social anxiety into something that just makes me me and I'm okay with it. Many times, I'm content to just spend time by myself where I don't have to worry about participating in conversations I'm not interested in, but still feel like I have to fake interest out of good etiquette.

I'm content to sit at a bar and be on my phone because I can read content that's interesting to me rather than be in a tiresome conversation. I also think a lot of people are on their phone because they're on the apps checking out who's around them.

However, I don't mind being social if it's with someone I make a good connection with. For example, I immediately hit it off with @jason1975on my last trip and we spent much longer hanging out than either of us expected. It helped that he had been writing a trip report and I knew he lived close to me, so I knew we would have things in common. Sharing the same orientation doesn't automatically make someone into a good conversation partner, which is what I'm looking for when I'm social. 

AIl that being said, yes, I do feel uncomfortable walking into a group of unknown people, but I hate groups in general as I prefer one on one. The worst is that I also hate being the only customer in a bar where all eyes are on me. Is it social anxiety? Yes. Do I think it's an illness? For me, no. It's just how I'm built and it's worked for me. In the end, I don't care what some random farang thinks about me because I don't have some deep craving for social engagement. I have enough forced socialization at my job that I appreciate being able to just be me when I travel.

If I were an expat, that might be different, but I would rather make expat friends through connections of close friends rather than random people in a bar who only share the same orientation as I do. This is how I've made friends as an expat in multiple other countries, though lately my local friend group has become larger than my expat group.

[flashbarryallen]

Just to help clarify, I think a lot of the evidence you're using about people being on their phones and not socializing/talking could be more about signs of extroversion and introversion, even though you said it wasn't. You kind of mixed in some stuff that could be introvert/extrovert along with social anxiety.

For example, my being on my phone and not mingling is my introversion. I rarely was on my phone when hanging out with @jason1975. 

However, when I walked in to Tawan, saw that it was busy and crowded, and walked out, THAT was my social anxiety. I just immediately felt uncomfortable and didn't want to sit at a table with a stranger. If you have fear of walking through the Complex, then yes that is social anxiety as well. 

Even then, there are other factors. If someone walks into a crowded bar and walks out, that's not necessarily social anxiety. That could just be preferring a more quiet place to have a meaningful conversation. It could also be they had a quick glance at the guys and decided quickly that none were their type or that someone was already sitting with the guy they were intending to off. 

[Olddaddy]

Barry, how would you react say if you went to The Venue in jomtien and the cabaret was on, you notice it's busy ,would you be able to walk to a table with other farangs seated and sit there with them ? Or would u just leave ?

[flashbarryallen]

50 minutes ago, Olddaddy said:

Barry, how would you react say if you went to The Venue in jomtien and the cabaret was on, you notice it's busy ,would you be able to walk to a table with other farangs seated and sit there with them ? Or would u just leave ?

I would probably just leave...that is definitely triggering for my, what some would call, social anxiety. However, it could be the wrong terminology as it's just not a situation I want to be in because I don't like crowds in general. I wouldn't walk away though because of worrying about what others thought of me. I do this with all kinds of situations in life, especially crowded restaurants.

If my social anxiety were a result of worrying about what others thought of me, I wouldn't have done half the things I did at the jockstrap party I sponsored at Tawan.

Social anxiety manifests itself in different ways and for different reasons possibly. Your observations aren't wrong; it's just a nuanced and complex situation.

[jason1975]

So glad to have met and known you back in June, @flashbarryallen Glad that we were able to click so spontaneously. I have never given much thought to social anxiety. What's there to be anxious when entering a bar/pub/club?

[floridarob]

I'm kind of shy......😇

[Guest]

12 hours ago, Olddaddy said:

But the illness Social Anxiety makes you think people are watching you and judging you ,I know it's sounds weird.

this is very common - especially among gay men of our generation. speaking only for myself here - but I was shamed from a very young age about being gay.  Being a gay man does not define me, but is something that cannot be denied.  When you are told over & over that you are not ok at an early age and through developmental years - it is trauma that is hard to shake off as an adult.   The result can be “social anxiety” and it makes perfect sense why gay men would have this condition in greater numbers compared to general population.  

self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, sex is not an ideal solution.  But, it’s all relative and depends on if those things are causing problems in your daily life or holding you back from things you want to do.  

I’ve done alot of work in this area and can recommend some books & reference materials that are easy to access.  PM me if you want details. 

[Mavica]

9 hours ago, Olddaddy said:

I think many with social anxiety can get hot sweats , etc when they get into crowded buses or trains 

I've read many of your comments, and a good number of them demonstrate you are judgmental about others.  I'm wondering, are you merely shining a light on many of your own personal problems ... or do you have specialized training?

[12is12]

Olddaddy, 

U might want to take a look at the thread titled "farang fraternizing"..... 

[fedssocr]

Some of us just don't like people.

I wonder if there is an element of people who lived their lives in the closet keeping themselves closed off? Or maybe since the gay scene is smaller there's a competition for fewer available guys element?

I will admit that I don't ever mingle much. I am always a bit suspicious of others' motives.

[vinapu]

1 hour ago, fedssocr said:

Some of us just don't like people.

 

also some may reson that they did not fly half world to exotic destination in order to socialize with people their  own  nationality or culture so they may appear unsocial while their 'seclusion' is just by design.

in years of soi twilight one of our members, my compatriot ,  reported he will be in Bkk at the same time like me. When I suggested we can meet,  he politely declined to a tune cited above which I fully understood and did not press the issue. 

[Lucky]

22 hours ago, fedssocr said:

Some of us just don't like people.

I wonder if there is an element of people who lived their lives in the closet keeping themselves closed off? Or maybe since the gay scene is smaller there's a competition for fewer available guys element?

I will admit that I don't ever mingle much. I am always a bit suspicious of others' motives.

I'd be happy to meet you, @fedssocrbecause i have always found your posts interesting. Nothing need come of it, just socializing with a fellow poster and Thai fan.

[Vessey]

On 8/22/2022 at 1:10 PM, flashbarryallen said:

 

Social anxiety manifests itself in different ways and for different reasons possibly. Your observations aren't wrong; it's just a nuanced and complex situation.

 

Our confidence and comfortableness with social interaction is a complex area and people make a profession out of trying to sort it all out for us. 

In my simple world there are two types of people and if both go to a crowded party, one will be the life and soul of the party, whilst the other will be found 'in the kitchen'. For the most part you would find me in the kitchen at a party, an observer rather than a participant. Living alone doesn't help much with all this, especially post-retirement.

Now decades of work have built up my social confidence, my ability to make conversations with people; but my default position is to be the one sitting quietly in the corner of the bar, but nevertheless enjoying the atmosphere and/or having a drink with a boy.

So on my holidays I have been fortunate to be able to surround myself with farang and Thai friends who are much more socially gregarious than me, who encourage me join in, talk, get up and dance etc. And I love it!; in fact I look forward to the social interaction of my holidays almost as much as I look forward to the sex.

 

[Gaybutton]

On 8/22/2022 at 11:22 AM, Olddaddy said:

And that's called social anxiety.

Can't it simply be choice?  I'm no introvert and if I go out to the bars, believe me I'll be very happy to talk to anyone who wants to talk with me.  While I don't wear a badge that says "I'm Gaybutton" sometimes people recognize me and want to talk, and I'm glad to talk all night if they want to,  But frankly I'm not looking for that.  I'm not going to the bars to have a conversation with farang.  If I'm looking to mingle and have a conversation at the bars, guess who I'm going to do that with . . .

[12is12]

Do all of u farangs, mingling and conversing with locals, do that in Thai or English or Translator?

The question is also pertinent to farangs taking one or more guys with u to one or more days together: how do u interact with them? Translator is tiring for long durations.....