Trials and Tribulations

[CurtisD]

Corresponding with Bangkok Guy over the last several months has given me a little insight into how hard Covid is making life for poor Thais (Bangkok Guy is straightforward about his economic status as he is about everything “I am very poor person”).

Back in April I noticed a ring on his wedding finger.

“You marry lady! How many children you have!”

“Nooo” he replies, rolling his eyes at such a silly suggestion. Falang can be so silly.

“No? Then you marry hot muscle boy from Jupiter!” Bangkok Guy likes the buff Jupiter guys.

“Nooo”, this time with head down slightly bashfully as for some reason his attraction to Jupiter muscle studs is secret. 

Then, looking at me bright with mischief, “You give me”.

“I?”

“Yes, give me dragon but risky, people steal, so get ring”.

Last trip I gave him the money to buy a fat gold dragon charm on a red cord bracelet. The serious business of comparison Shopping had run us out of time to buy one before the shops shut, so I gave him the cash. I had not seen him wearing it. Now all is explained, sort of.

Bangkok Guy is not one to make things up, so if he says risky then it is risky. Possibly economic stress is leading to desperate acts in the poorer parts of Bangkok he inhabits. He is not a fantasist, so I doubt he just went and bought a ring in a haze of self-delusion. However, as a safer way to carry gold, a ring is a nice rationalization for a little bit of wish-fulfillment.

“Ok” I smile. He beams. I have acknowledged the ring as from me, even though he knows it does not signify that the full requirements of his fantasy are met.

Then for a week I can’t contact him on Line. I email. He does not have his iphone anymore, but email is ok. I don’t ask for an explanation and don’t offer to buy an iphone and so we correspond by email, which is not as good as seeing him.

In May, panic. Fully fledged. It is the famous time-payment tractor again. His market has been closed so he does not have the money for his contribution. His mother also does not have her contribution. If the payment is missed they will lose the tractor and it is the final payment. His desperation is real. He has been contributing to paying this thing off for about 7 years. When I met him he was a student and I suspect dancing was his way to earn the money to contribute to the tractor. In the past he has shown me financial documents, so I don’t think the tractor is a more sophisticated version of ‘buffalo me die’.  Although, with the documents, it could be a very sophisticated version.

I ask what the balance due is. Much less than I expected. I send the cash.  

His emotion is something I have not seen from him before. He is a calm, cheerful, balanced guy.

“You save my life” along with a photo of the paid bill.

By late June I am getting tired of not seeing him, so I ask if he would like an iphone.  

“Thanks you. I want but it’s not necessary because expensive”.

How to interpret that? He is careful with money, but I don’t think that is the answer. Maybe he wants the money but not an iphone? Maybe an iphone is at risk of being stolen?

My guess is that the money would be appreciated but an iphone is at risk of being stolen and is also just not a need when other needs are more pressing.

I have a trip booked early in the New Year and had intended to surprise him with the cash to buy his great aunt’s plot of land. I decide he probably needs it now and send it to him out of the blue, explaining what it is for.

Bangkok Guy’s thanks are effusive. He is off to the Provinces. There is a great sense of relief.

My guess is that he wanted to get the heck out of Bangkok but felt obliged to stay to try to scrape up some additional income to contribute to the family. I don’t think he will use the cash to buy the land for himself. My guess is that it will be used to contribute to the family, enabling him to get out of Bangkok and return home while retaining face.

He is also fulfilling his part of our deal and praying for the success of my business “I wish your business better and better”. Remind me to ask my accountant about expensing Bangkok Guy as Head of Celestial Outreach.

So now I have a very happy Bangkok Guy who apparently has my ring.

[reader]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with Bangkok Guy.

What impressed me is that you give him the benefit of the doubt. You show him that you trust him and trust can turn what some may think of as a transaction into a relationship.

Seeing him, talking with him obviously brings you joy. You can purchase pleasure but you can't buy joy.

If we resort to applying litmus tests out of fear of being hoodwinked, we're going to miss out on a lot of what makes all the difference in our lives.

They years are passing all too quickly for me now. But with that compression of time I've come to know what I want to value in the time I have in front of me.

Wishing you luck until you and Bangkok Guy reunite.

[Londoner]

Thanks; I love this post, not only because it's  Covid-free  but because so much of it resonates  profoundly with those of us who in LTRs and are consequently struggling to ensure that our loved-ones are coping. 

 I understand your decisions to help BG. I expect you have heard the warnings- silent or otherwise- not to be taken-in, exploited, abused and so on.  We give,  sometimes  generously, but the amount of happiness and relief that our money provides is worth it. I've never gone hungry because of P; I've never said, "No, that new shirt is beyond me at the moment..." and so on.  I tell him- and it is true- that giving money to him gives me happiness. And as a Buddhist, he appreciates this fully,  perhaps beyond my  understanding.

The money I have I saved by missing  four trips  has  certainly helped P..... a new smart TV, a new motor cy,  the re-seeding of his small-holding and a spirit house the size of a Bangkok temple ....well almost.... not to mention the other  day-to day expenses, none of which I have missed. He has done well out of lockdown! 

 

 

[vinapu]

4 hours ago, Londoner said:

I love this post, not only because it's  Covid-free 

I heard  somewhere that if one is  fully vaccinated can read covid -including posts without risk

4 hours ago, Londoner said:

 He has done well out of lockdown! 

he is not alone, at least in material and financial  sense quite a few people and companies did well in pandemics. Like war , it brought misery to many but fatted up few too

 

[Londoner]

One of the other gay forums rarely includes any threads that aren't Covid-based. I know the issue is vitally important-it is for me- but  for heaven's sake, let's talk about other things too.

[CurtisD]

On 7/2/2021 at 2:50 PM, reader said:

What impressed me is that you give him the benefit of the doubt.

In a relationship you have to.

However, before doing so it is necessary to have some understanding of what motivates the other person - their desires, fears and frame of reference. Given the cultural and language gap I clearly do not have 20:20 vision on Bangkok Guy. However, I think (possibly incorrectly) that I have enough visibility to be comfortable trusting him. What makes me comfortable is:

* He is very grounded and straightforward. No games or make-believe. If he says something then, assuming he knows what he is talking about, it is so.  

* His objective in life is not a personal one but a group one - to contribute to his family. Because of this he is not personally grasping. My usefulness is to help him contribute to his family, not to provide glittery gifts. The only times he requests anything it is a family issue. Any clothes or travel is my offer to him and he enjoys this - just watch him Shopping - but it is nothing he has asked for. The only time he has hinted that he would like something personal was the dragon charm, but that was for the luck not the gold because luck is always useful to help you contribute to your family.

* When we are together it is clear that I am to be looked after. This may be because it is only natural to look after a water buffalo so it continues to be productive. It may be affection, after all it is possible to feel affection for the family water buffalo. It may be a little romance. Bangkok Guy has a romantic heart. He likes the attention I pay him as much or more than anything I give him. A shirt is nice, but when I admire him in a shirt, that is really satisfying. The most satisfying is when I pay him thoughtful little courtesies which show I am thinking of him.

* We amuse each other. I enjoy his sense of mischief but beyond that his continual combination of niceness/straightforwardness/optimism somehow tickles me. Watching him process life though this lens continually makes me smile. Somehow, I amuse him. I quite often see him watching me with a look of quiet amusement. I have no idea what about me amuses him. Possibly I simply process life in a way that amuses him. The point is, he feels like a friend and because friends see each other more clearly than lovers, there is a better basis for trust. 

All this may of course be wishful thinking and a melange of misinterpretation. Still, I will trust, because without trust nothing is possible. 

 

    

  

[CurtisD]

11 hours ago, Londoner said:

I tell him- and it is true- that giving money to him gives me happiness.

Strangely, this is true and I think also gives me a clearer perspective on what is important in my life.

Since I have known Bangkok Guy my interest in material possessions has declined.

Let's not take that too far, I am still quite materialistic.

But I now find myself comparing an acquisition with what the same money would mean to Bangkok Guy and the majority of times deciding that the object I am contemplating will not in fact increase my happiness. 

[vinapu]

41 minutes ago, CurtisD said:

 

Since I have known Bangkok Guy my interest in material possessions has declined.

 

right, being close to somebody with little of material  possessions and still seeing him having happy life clears our mind to a great degree and when we will be gone , whoever will be cleaning our house will be happy that there's so little work to be done dumping all that to Royal Cartage provided trash container

[Londoner]

"When we are together it is clear that I am to be looked after."  Yes; my experience is the same, even to the extent of my arm being held when we cross a road, even though my experience as a Londoner makes me far more aware of the dangers of traffic than a farmer from Kamphaeng Phaet, where two tractors are considered  a traffic jam!