Straight Men Have Gay Sex... Are They Still Straight?

[Lonnie]

The secret lives of straight-identifying men who hook up with other men explored in new book

 

Tony Silva is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of British Columbia. His areas of research include gender, sexuality, and rural sociology. But he’s probably best known for being the guy who coined the term “bud-sex.”

Related: More and more straight guys are giving up “bro jobs” and engaging in “dude sex”

They have wives. They have kids. They consider themselves 100% heterosexual. But they’re also able to compartmentalize sex in a way that allows them to get it on with other dudes without complicating anything.

Related: Why more straight guys are going to all-male jerk-off clubs

Silva has since expanded that study into a full-length book. Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America explores the secret lives of straight-identifying men who have sex with other men on the DL. We had a chance to catch up with him about the book, his latest research, and to get his take on that whole Jerry Falwell Jr. pool boy sex scandal from last summer.

Here’s what he had to say…

When you first spoke a few years ago about a study you had published about “bud-sex,” which is a term you coined. Now, you’ve expanded that study into an entire book called Still Straight. I never asked you then, so I’ll ask you now… How did you first become interested in this subject?

One thing I find fascinating is when behaviors do not seem to match the identities people have. Sexuality in particular is something many people consider important to who they are, so I decided to study this topic. There also isn’t a lot known about sexuality in rural areas or small towns, so I thought it would be interesting to examine this issue.

Why do you think gay men are so fascinated by the subject of straight men having gay sex?

I think one reason why is that straight men seem completely off limits–but some are in fact open to sex with other guys. I think that’s one thing gay men find interesting. Plus, a lot of gay men have hooked up with straight guys, so they know that some straight guys do this, and it’s interesting to learn more about the topic. On top of that, a very small percentage of men identify as gay or bisexual. It’s intriguing to think that there are actually many more men who enjoy sex with other men, but who are secretive about it.

You spoke to 60 straight-identifying men over the course of several years. That, to me, suggests that this whole “straight dudes having sex with straight dudes” phenomenon is a lot more common than people might imagine Would you say that’s accurate?

It is definitely accurate. There are more straight guys who have sex with other men than most people would think. Many of the guys I talked to told me that directly. From government surveys I analyzed, I found that several hundred thousand straight men in the U.S., at least, have had sex with two or more men. Most are secretive about their behavior, though, so it was a challenge to find men who were willing to talk to me.

Why do these men still identify as straight? Why are they not considered bisexual?

While many people understandably think that men are “closeted” if they have sex with other men yet identify as straight, this is not exactly true. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviors. These men are secretive about their sexual behavior, but not their identity. In fact, sexual encounters with men are mostly irrelevant to their identity.

Hundreds of thousands of men in the U.S. identify as #straight yet have had consensual sex with multiple men. My forthcoming book #StillStraight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America helps explain why. (1/9) https://t.co/RQV0f2npDE

— Tony Silva (@Sociology_Silva) March 15, 2021

 

What is the most surprising thing you learned from your research?

A few things really surprised me. First, a majority of the guys I talked to actually supported equal legal rights for LGB people. Second, many of the married men thought that sex with other guys was not cheating. It was almost like a loophole in their marriage contract. And third, when I first began talking to these guys, I was surprised that many loved to bottom and give oral sex. Interestingly, many said that bottoming for another guy was an opportunity to have sex but without feeling the pressures they did when they had sex with a woman. I did not expect to hear that.

Last summer, evangelist leader Jerry Falwell Jr. made headlines after it was reported he enjoyed masturbating while watching his wife have sex with younger men. Now, I realize cuckolding and “bud-sex” are technically two different things. (One involves being a live witness, the other involves being an active participant.) But they sort of fall into the same general wheelhouse. I imagine, if the reports about Falwell are accurate, he used the same logic the men in your research use when hooking up—it’s not actually “gay” because he doesn’t identify as “gay.” Would you say that’s probably true? Or is a man watching another man have sex different than actually engaging in homosexual activity?

That’s a good question. Many guys do not consider something to be gay or bisexual so long as they do not touch another guy. On top of that, many men feel like sex is “straight” when a woman is involved. Whether a man is watching another man have sex with a woman, or a man is having a “threesome” with a woman and another guy, many men feel like something is not gay or bisexual if a woman is involved. Of course, as the guys I talked to also pointed out, even sex between men is not necessarily perceived as gay or bisexual if a guy sees himself as straight.

Labels have been a hot topic within the LGBTQ community in recent years, and especially among younger generations. A lot of queer people feel they are outdated, simplistic, and don’t accurately describe who they are. We’re a lot more layered and complex than just “gay,” “lesbian,” or “bisexual.” Do you think heterosexuals are having a similar realization? Could we be seeing the beginning of a larger shift in how those belonging to the mainstream “straight” community view themselves?

I think this is definitely the case with women. Surveys show that increasing numbers of women in the U.S., especially young women, have had sex with other women. Most straight women don’t have sex with other women, but the numbers are rising. Men’s sexual behaviors haven’t changed as much, at least from what surveys show. A big reason why is that many men feel like having sex with another guy would threaten their masculinity. Same-sex sexuality is also underreported due to social stigma, so I’m sure many men do hook up with other guys but don’t tell anyone about it. Still, today straight women are more comfortable exploring their sexuality than are straight men. Of course, some straight men do have sex with other guys—and I talked to a bunch of them!

[spoon]

Hmm what if i identify myself as gay but have sex with women, does that make me straight, bisexual or still gay? Lol

[Riobard]

My sense is that if you need 343 pages with countless references the answer remains: don’t know. Which is good for the married men ... can keep their wives off-balance. 

[10tazione]

7 hours ago, spoon said:

Hmm what if i identify myself as gay but have sex with women, does that make me straight, bisexual or still gay? Lol

Some time in the past this could have been easily answered:

if you enjoy having sex with men you are gay

if you enjoy having sex with men and women you ar bi

if you have sex with a woman because there is no man nowhere near, you are a poor guy

if you have sex and dont remember if it was with a man or a woman you are drunk

[Latbear4blk]

44 minutes ago, 10tazione said:

Some time in the past this could have been easily answered

Fortunately, we have learned that reality is much more complicated that binary combinations. 

[PeterRS]

Have we not reached a time when labels don't mean so much any more? 

Around 40 years ago I remember being rather shocked that my boss was bisexual. He was married with five children but paid an escort for a session once a week. When he travelled overseas, he would return with some gay magazines. I found out when he once left one on his desk by mistake. Decades later I was equally surprised to learn from his widow, a nurse before they married, that she knew he was bisexual before they tied the knot!

Then one of my very good friends revealed that he attended gay saunas regularly and purchased gay DVDs. He had been married to his childhood sweetheart since he was around 23 and had four children. He doted on them all. When his wife suddenly died, I thought he might come out. But no, he remarried very happily.

Then there are several men I have known quite well who divorced their wives and left their children to spend their lives with another man. One was so full of guilt that he almost killed himself. Thankfully he chose instead to sit down with his wife and tell her. Immediately it was his turn to be surprised when she told him she knew. So amicably he left his wife and two young daughters to move to Thailand. I recall one dinner we enjoyed with his boyfriend and his two university age daughters. It was all very natural with much love around that table.

[msclelovr]

In answer to the question in the title of this thread, Yes if you’re Brazilian.

IME different cultures have different views on this matter. Argentines may be more shy about it but Brazilians can be more relaxed and quite open. 

[Jamey]

lol! It’s kinda awesome how they trash effeminacy. You see, it doesn’t matter whether it’s open and proud gays or closeted gays or bisexuals or mostly straight dudes. Everyone agrees that effeminacy is toxic.

 

[BiBottomBoy]

When I was living in South America tops identified as straight it was only the bottoms who were considered gay.