Open Relationships vs Monogomy

[TotallyOz]

There are many types of relationships and many people have found things that work for them. But, to many of us, we have been told that you should stick to one partner and never sway.

This is what I wanted when I came out and had my first boyfriend. The older I have gotten, the more need I see for open honest relationships at least for me. It won't work for all.

My two Thai boyfriends both have significant others they see from time to time when I am here and then they live with them when I am away. I am honestly 100% OK with that.

I have friends that tell me that they have relationships where they take holidays apart and don't discuss what happens and they have been together for over 40 years.

I am curious if others believe that open relationships can last or if the door being slightly open ensures that it will fail.

[Guest EXPAT]

I think open relationships can work as long as both parties truly agree to the terms. I was the "extra" in what I was told was an open relationship about 18 years ago and much later I found out that they were not in fact in an open relationship because the other party hadn't agreed to it. It was very awkward.

[Guest hitoallusa]

I don't mind open relationships as long as it doesn't involve me.. I want a monogamous relationship where two people commit to each other to make our world a better place I think marriage or partnership isn't all about sex.. It's more than that, a journey taken together for a common cause..

[numerito]

I agree with Expat. An open relationship can work when the terms are agreed upon by the parties. I would add that the terms need to be simple, clear and straightforward, leaving little or no room for creative interpretation. That has been my experience with my bf of 10 years. We set up three basic rules since the very beginning: never bring anyone home; fool around with escorts only (that way they leave), and always tell. We have kept the deal ever since. We even used to have threesomes together, but we stopped since it didn't seem to work for any of us....Of course, different strokes...,but we are happy.

[Suckrates]

Open Relationships take the pressure off Monogamy .... I'm ALL for them !

[TotallyOz]

I agree with Expat. An open relationship can work when the terms are agreed upon by the parties. I would add that the terms need to be simple, clear and straightforward, leaving little or no room for creative interpretation. That has been my experience with my bf of 10 years. We set up three basic rules since the very beginning: never bring anyone home; fool around with escorts only (that way they leave), and always tell. We have kept the deal ever since. We even used to have threesomes together, but we stopped since it didn't seem to work for any of us....Of course, different strokes...,but we are happy.

So glad to see you here numerito! I love your take on life and miss when I don't see you!

[citylaw1]

http://www.tmz.com/2013/08/13/bravo-below-deck-c-j-lebeau-arrested-phoenix-assault/

CJ spent a lot of the season talking about his open relationship and how well it works when he and his partner are apart for long stretches. Apparently, following a season of debauchery with another cast member, his girlfriend tried to kick his ass.

Sometimes the rules need to be adjusted.

[AdamSmith]

I want a monogamous relationship where two people commit to each other to make our world a better place I think marriage or partnership isn't all about sex.. It's more than that, a journey taken together for a common cause..

By your own formula, there is nothing wrong with a relationship that is open physically, so long as it is monogamous emotionally. I agree.

[Guest EXPAT]

That's a good point about it being open physically versus closed emotionally. I think it is easier for men to separate physical and emotional involvement. There are some men who can't separate the two but I think most men can separate them.

[Lucky]

Fidelity is much more important than monogamy.

[Guest josephga]

I had this conversation the other day with someone. If I was in a open relationship I would still be 100% monogamous on my end regardless of what the partner did. I don't need more than one person. One persons enough at filling most of my needs. The comment I got back from the person I was talking with said that would bother them that if I didn't take part in it that they would feel as if they were cheating. my question is has anyone ever been in a open relationship where one partner took no part in the openness?

[Guest CharliePS]

Of course an open relationship can work, IF:

a)both partners really want that kind of relationship; i.e., one doesn't reluctantly agree simply to please the other one

b)there is mutual agreement about the ground rules and mechanics (who/what/when/where/why)

c)each partner is emotionally committed to the primary relationship; i.e., one partner isn't secretly hedging his bets while hoping to find someone more satisfactory

d)each partner understands and accepts the dangers inherent in an open relationship, especially the possibility that one partner will dicover someone else with whom he would rather have a primary relationship

Lucky is correct that fidelty is not synonymous with monogamy, and is more important than the latter.

[Guest josephga]

a)both partners really want that kind of relationship; i.e., one doesn't reluctantly agree simply to please the other one

Bingo. I think that's what my problem would be. it would be something I just put up with to have someone, or out of fear of losing someone. I think id just put up with it while secretly hating it..

[Guest CharliePS]

I had this conversation the other day with someone. If I was in a open relationship I would still be 100% monogamous on my end regardless of what the partner did. I don't need more than one person. One persons enough at filling most of my needs. The comment I got back from the person I was talking with said that would bother them that if I didn't take part in it that they would feel as if they were cheating. my question is has anyone ever been in a open relationship where one partner took no part in the openness?

I have never been involved in such a relationship, but I have known two couples for whom the openness involved only the younger partner; in each case, there was a large age difference, and the younger partner had little previous sexual experience, while the older one had plenty and didn't want any more. In one case, the couple did not live together, which made the mechanics easy (the relationship lasted 40 years); in the other, they did live together for 20 years, but they would probably have eventually separated over lifestyle choices rather than sexual activity, if the younger one hadn't died of AIDS.

[Guest justme1369]

We have been monogamous almost our entire relationship, I cheated on him once when I was 16.

Being monogamous is the way we like it ...and it works for us.

[Guest hitoallusa]

Aww that's so sweet.. You guys must be so cute together.. I want a relationship like that. Of course I would forgive my spouse cheat on me once or twice but not more than that..

[wayout]

I am curious if others believe that open relationships can last or if the door being slightly open ensures that it will fail.

An open relationship, I believe, can work under the "right circumstances", with the "right rules" and with the "right couple". However I do think that there are so many landmines and variables involved that there is a higher likelihood of failure. While some in an open relationship will find that it helps the overall relationship, I have to think that for most it can hurt things leading to a breakup. The potential for using the open relationship to mask other underlying issues between the couple rather than using that energy to deal with them is one of the major obstacles to success, imho.

I believe that it takes a higher level of maturity and understanding of relationships, and what both need/want out of that relationship beyond the superficial, to make an open relationship have any chance of success in the long term.