Sex with your best friend

[Guest josephga]

Anyone ever started a sexual relationship with their best friend? About 3 months ago this started with me and normally happens a few times a month. He is in a 10 year relationship but his partner has basically shut down emotionally. Haven’t had sex in 4 months and they pretty much just living together. He broke up with him back in January but the guy cried and said how much he needed him and they got back together. The change only lasted about 6 to 8 weeks. His partner is primarily the bread winner. provides a good home but isn't providing the emotional needs. He feels that’s the difference between the partner and I. He provides one thing I provide the other. For me things are much better with him than anyone I have ever dated. I personally feel the love of a best friend is much deeper. They accept you for who you are. No secrets between you. Not the uncomfortable feeling of them leaving if you say the wrong thing.. they know where the skeletons are buried lol. Even the sex is better to me.

[Guest NCBored]

I had the opportunity once - we were in our early 30's, had been best friends for about 2-3 years, and one night I was at his house & we had had had a few drinks, and he said 'You're welcome to spend the night, and if anything happens...it happens'. I thought about it, but I was afraid that if the sex didn't work or once of us later decided to end it, I'd lose the friendship, so I didn't stay. We are still best friends almost 30 years later, and he re-connected with his college boyfriend & they have been together for 10+ years now.

Most of my boyfriends couldn't be friends after we broke up, so that influenced me. The one exception is my other (second?) best friend - we dated for about a year, then mutually decided that something was missing. But we continued to go to dinner, movies, etc. & even sleep together, but without sex, for several years. Up until last year, we still had dinner together twice a week, although we haven't shared a bed in years.

[Suckrates]

Anyone ever started a sexual relationship with their best friend? About 3 months ago this started with me and normally happens a few times a month. He is in a 10 year relationship but his partner has basically shut down emotionally. Haven’t had sex in 4 months and they pretty much just living together. He broke up with him back in January but the guy cried and said how much he needed him and they got back together. The change only lasted about 6 to 8 weeks. His partner is primarily the bread winner. provides a good home but isn't providing the emotional needs. He feels that’s the difference between the partner and I. He provides one thing I provide the other. For me things are much better with him than anyone I have ever dated. I personally feel the love of a best friend is much deeper. They accept you for who you are. No secrets between you. Not the uncomfortable feeling of them leaving if you say the wrong thing.. they know where the skeletons are buried lol. Even the sex is better to me.

We have discussed this Jos, and its a fine line, especially when your friend has a partner, shutdown or otherwise. You never know when things can turn with your friends relationship, and then YOU become the problem for THEM.... and its often the friend (YOU) that becomes the victim in the situation. Please guard your feelings, as I wouldn't want you to get hurt. you are a great guy, and very sensitive.

[Guest josephga]

He asked me last week if I could handle staying in the bounderies of a friendship? that even though he is unhapply he is in a long term. problem for me is havent the boundries of friendship been crossed once we started having sex anyways? then part of me trys to guard my emotions because the common senses part of me knows if he is going to hurt the guy of 10 years verses hurting me. I know who it will be

[Suckrates]

He asked me last week if I could handle staying in the bounderies of a friendship? that even though he is unhapply he is in a long term. problem for me is havent the boundries of friendship been crossed once we started having sex anyways? then part of me trys to guard my emotions because the common senses part of me knows if he is going to hurt the guy of 10 years verses hurting me. I know who it will be

I am glad you are seeing things in prospective, and staying rational. Emotions are rough, we cant control them BUT we can be Realistic in knowing what the options ARE. I trust you will make the right decisions, because from the question he asked you ast week, the writing seems to be on the wall !

[Guest Oxfordcloth]

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, my best friend and I had sex all of the time(he initiated it). We went to adult bookstores together, purchased all male videos and magazines, and then would take them home(to whichever one of our houses was free) and have sex while looking at the porn or right after. It was fun, but I never considered him my boyfriend, nor did he consider me that way. He eventually hooked up with a steady guy and that was the end of that. But it was really fun while it lasted.

[Guest josephga]

I told him that I could only promise 1 thing. that i promised id never samatoge his relationship by saying anything that if they break up it will be because they decide too. But as far as developing feeling for him that I couldn't and wouldn't promise that. that no one who's honest could make that promise..

[lookin]

Sounds like he hasn't told his partner what he's up to, so you already know there are potential trust issues here.

You also know that he thinks the boundaries of friendship haven't been crossed, and you're inclined to think they have.

Unless it's just sex you're both after, with no emotional ties beyond your existing friendship, those kinds of warning signs after three months sound like swamp territory to me.

Although it may just be that you're a bigger bayou fan than I am.

[Guest josephga]

His partner knows we hang out that we are friends. his partner thinks i'm just the typical best friend, dinner, movies, text buddy's,

He doesn't know that we have sex . I have wondered since they haven't been having sex maybe the partner has his own best friend as well

[wayout]

Although there had been opportunities and a strong attraction with my best friend from years ago, I avoided it as there were too many land mines and a ltr wasn't in the cards. I have to admit that I often wonder about that road not taken though and how it might have turned out.

I have to wonder, in the situation you described, if the relationship between your best friend and his partner wouldn't be better served if they would somehow agree to go to couples counseling to see if the situation could be turned around.

[Guest samfitzpatrick]

I know two married/partnered couples from college that started out as best friends before dating. I would say their friendship is as strong as the romance. This allows them to remain together when the romantic part of the relationship isn't as strong. However, both couples are monogamous.

I've also seen gay friends that go out to the clubs and participate in group sex scenes together, sometime with each other. But in those cases, it is clearly all about the sex and the friendship remains in tact, even thought the sex part hasn't happened in years.

I also have straight friends who are swingers, and the open relationship works for them.

Joseph - this doesn't sound like any of these three situations. Every other time I've had friends have sex outside of a committed relationship, whether with friends or someone picked up at a club/bar, the marriage falls apart. In the two cases when there has been an affair and the 'cheating' couple gets together, both cases I've been told in confidence that in the back of their minds, the couples don't fully trust each other. While I appreciate the honesty you have with your friend that you won't guarantee that you won't develop an emotional relationship, you need to control the situation (perhaps less frequent sex with him and continued dating with others) to make sure you don't ruin a great friendship.

[AdamSmith]

This is contrary to some of the above heartfelt and seriously reasoned-out advice: I think you should continue following your heart and instinct as far as they lead you.

If there is pain at the end, so what?

Three of my best friends came to me through such a mess. One of them I met because he was an escort.

[Guest EXPAT]

Never with my best friend. But I have had sex with friends before that never lead to anything else. I think that is fairly common. When I moved to NYC I kind of went through my circle of friends at least once. LOL

[Guest josephga]

there's something else his mother's very sick I think I give him that support he isn't getting at home I can hold him and just let him cry. there's no emotionally connection like that at home. My father recently died as well. What i'm trying to analize is the fact I'm not jealous of this partner. Part of me would be okay with him keeping me dropping the partner. then another part of me is okay with him keeping us both. I'm actually jealous of the thought of if there's another person or persons besides me he might be seeing..

[Guest josephga]

Well I have a update: its been a few weeks of ups and downs on a roller coaster. But things have changed in a way I hoped for but didn't expect. My best friend has ended his 10 year relationship..on fri his partner called him stupid he then moved into the guestroom. fri sat. sunday night he called me and spent the night here. he broke up with his partner Monday night. he has managed to find an apartment and will be moving this coming sat. I had no idea of the mental abuse that was going on until sunday night. never picks the places to eat at, never a say in friends or which movies to watch. home has to be kept like the one in sleeping with the enemy. He told me he was so lost and that he needed to discover himself and be able to live on his own. learning to be a whole person again. He told me his hope was to find himself once more and to discover me at the end...

[Guest quietman]

Wow, Joseph. Let's hope that, for his sake, your friend has really come to terms with the restrictions that were placed on his humanity; and that he will take the steps to reinstate and enjoy those parts of himself that he has been missing. His getting his own place in which to do that, I think, is great; he needs the room to heal himself. I hope this all works out well for both of you.

[Guest josephga]

We had a great day yesterday. we went to a Korean spa spent 6 hours there sitting in hot tubs, cold tubs steam rooms, followed by a body scrub then dinner out having a nice selection of sushi followed by returning home and cuddling for 2 hrs.

[Guest hitoallusa]

Oh my cuddling for 2hours!!!! You are on your honeymoon!!! So lucky you are..

We had a great day yesterday. we went to a Korean spa spent 6 hours there sitting in hot tubs, cold tubs steam rooms, followed by a body scrub then dinner out having a nice selection of sushi followed by returning home and cuddling for 2 hrs.

[Guest josephga]

Oh my cuddling for 2hours!!!! You are on your honeymoon!!! So lucky you are..

oh hitoallusa he said the L word too

[Guest hitoallusa]

Aww that is so sweet... It is great that you have someone to be with..

[Suckrates]

oh hitoallusa he said the L word too

He said Leiderhosen ???? Wowza.....

[Guest josephga]

LOL