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Scathing Restaurant Reviews - from garlicky condoms to sexual harassment

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Even the starters, being no worse than abysmal, flattered to deceive. "Crisp" calamari were soggy, the squid in both texture and taste bringing to mind a condom fitted over an unwashed garlic press the day timetable confusion forced the cookery teacher to take sex education at short notice.
– Matthew Norman on Colony in London
Maybe Lady Gaga’s parents are forsaking their famous daughter. How else to explain Joanne Trattoria, Joe and Cynthia Germanotta’s incomprehensible upper West Side eatery? ... I came with an open mind, despite the fact that most of my colleagues have portrayed Joanne as the worst thing since herpes.
– Michael Kaminer on Joanne Trattoria
An American offshoot of a restaurant in Tokyo, Ninja intends to evoke a Japanese mountain village inhabited by ninjas, a special breed of stealthy warriors. In this case they come armed not only with swords and sorcery but also with recipes, which may be their most dangerous weapons of all.
– Frank Bruno on Ninja in New York City
Beef carpaccio, the chilly maroon flesh stretched out below a scattershot application of radish and celery slices that had started to curl, tasted of refrigeration and surrender.
– Pete Wells on Le Cirque in New York City
I sat numb, experiencing the kind of paralysis a person feels when he picks up the phone and learns of a ghastly accident or a horrific illness. I was being accused of sexually harassing a member of a restaurant staff. ... There is a reason why serious restaurants train people working for them to be polite and attentive. After my three dinners at M. Wells, I am reasonably certain that thorough schooling has never taken place there.
– Alan Richman on M. Wells in New York City
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