Online fart machine

[AdamSmith]

I thought my electronic fart machine was fancy with 5 different sounds. But this online version has 91!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/658/

The names for the various sounds are likewise a hoot. So to speak.

[AdamSmith]

All roads seem to lead to...

[wayout]

[RA1]

The "whoopee cushion" as defined by the digital age exponentially expanded.

Best regards,

RA1

[Guest NCBored]

The "whoopee cushion" as defined by the digital age exponentially expanded.

Best regards,

RA1

Imagine if you could send these sounds to various people - or surreptitiously install the app on someone's computer so that it 'played' at random intervals!

(Should I patent that idea? )

[RA1]

I like the idea of surreptitiously. Although when the zero hour occurs it may not be a secret.

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

And imagine linking it to that cellphone scent gizmo that 4Aces posted about recently.

[BigK]

And imagine linking it to that cellphone scent gizmo that 4Aces posted about recently.

Yuk!

[AdamSmith]

Who Cut the Cheese?: A Cultural History of the Fart (Google eBook)

Jim Dawson

Random House Digital, Inc., Jan 26, 2011 - Humor - 192 pages

We've told you HOW TO SHIT IN THE WOODS. We've taken you UP SHIT CREEK. Now, we dare to ask the eternal question...WHO CUT THE CHEESE? Which is to say, what exactly is a fart? Why do we do it? Why do we hide it when we do it? And why do we find farts so darn funny? A cut above anything else on the subject, this book really lets go and tells all, getting to the bottom of these mysteries. Author Jim sniffs out a load of historical and scientific fart tales, then offers the kind of fun facts you'll be dying to let slip at social occasions, in chapters like "Fart Facts That Aren't Just Hot Air," "Gone with the Wind" (on famous movie farts), and "Le Petomane & the Art of the Fart" (on the most famous windbag in history). From fact to fiction to frivolous flatulence, this book is unquestionably a ripping good read.

http://books.google.com/books?id=dzXo09e488kC&dq

[AdamSmith]

...and an apparently bottomless resource... Fart Sounds

The Childbirth Dump

This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Houdini Dump

You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe? Maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Alfresco Dump

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time totime. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Porta-Pottie Dump

Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a sh-t in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.

The Splash Back Dump

You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock.Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Proctologist Dump

In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it...you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it

The Graffiti Dump

You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump

Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.

[RA1]

Not sure when I can adequately deal with this post. As it is now approaching lunch time, it is not now.

Jumping from steamed eggs to shit is just not my cup of tea to mix several metaphors.

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

Jumping from steamed eggs to shit is just not my cup of tea to mix several metaphors.

No, the average time of passage is about 24 hours, I think.

With some exceptions...

[RA1]

I don't think so. It doesn't take me 24 hours to get rid of anything to include an escort.

Best regards,

RA1