6 unexpected canned foods

[AdamSmith]

For real...

Whole Chicken

(source)

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if your dinner was birthed right in front of you, placenta and all? Well, now you can watch your meal crown through a can opening and enter a world in which a whole chicken rarely is considered edible when it comes with a freshness date that gives the consumer a leeway of twelve to eighteen months. But unlike most canned goods (which, minus the occasional microwave oven directions, seem to be made specifically for people who are either living in bunkers or just fell down a well shortly after grocery shopping), this chicken is not exactly ready-to-eat, leading one to wonder why you wouldn’t just buy a normal chicken at the supermarket or at least wait for something exotic like "Quail Crammed in a Beer Bottle" instead. Perhaps the company’s entire market is based on escalating drunk dares. Perhaps this all started as a joke that somehow found funding and a farmer who had already been experimenting with poultry and receptacles. Or perhaps this was one man’s dream to give Purdue the finger. Whatever the reason, it’s now on a store shelf for you.

Cheeseburger

(source)

A lot of canned food seems to have been created for the survivalist who fully believes the world is doomed but still wants to live in a post-apocalyptic society in which every day can feel like a night out at Ruby Tuesday. (Minus an all-you-can-eat salad bar unless they take a rather liberal view of field weeds.) That can be the only explanation here since cheeseburgers—like pizza, tacos, and now anything with the words "Greek yogurt"—aren’t exactly hard to come by unless you live deep in the woods, deep underground, or are constantly transferring from one hot air balloon to another. Plus, the mass production of hamburgers has set the bar so low for anything we will consider "meat-like" that the fact the canned version still looks inedible by resembling an open sore with a slice of pickle makes its existence even more puzzling. On the other hand, it’s nice that they decided to go "fancy" by adding a slice/polymer of cheese, because even in the middle of nowhere one likes to class it up every so often.

Bread

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A person could see a lot of merits to canned bread. (Including the opportunity to write that very sentence.) One, canned bread probably does not grow mold as quickly, which is ideal in case you don’t have normal, ready access to fresh bread due to a massive zombie apocalypse or the fact the local grocer doesn’t care for how much you like to post-date your checks. Two, round bread finally gives you the chance to feel like every sandwich is a cold cuts cookie and ends any arguments about whether to cut said sandwiches straight or on the diagonal. And three, watching brown bread slide out of a can lets one reflect on the whole digestive process…or at least the final stage once the food has passed the colon and you’re making a beeline for the restroom. In short, it’s everything you want in a food so long as you don’t actually eat it.

Bacon

(source)

As you can tell by the camouflage packaging (which helps the can blend into the forest to lessen its chances of getting shot at by its enemies), canned bacon is the for the military troop (or perhaps militia group) that wants to be swift of foot for no more than an hour, tops, before heart palpitations kick in. And while the fact that the bacon comes rolled in several layers does make it seem like a delicious grease-soaked Yodel, one has to ask why a camper or whimsical shopper/fugitive would opt for this over canned corn, beans, soup or anything that would provide some nutrients and not cause you to smell like a fry vat until the next stream or gas station bathroom.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

(source)

Of all the products on this list, the "Candwich PBJ" is both the least disgusting and perhaps the most pointless. After all, one can see the purpose of a canned cheeseburger or whole raw chicken because suicides don’t just will themselves into being, they sometimes need a last meal/weapon. And outside of a recently reported 105-year-old woman, few people eat bacon for its health benefits, so it probably doesn’t matter if it came frozen, canned, or from a lucky find on the pavement. But not only are PB&J sandwiches so easy to make that they may be one of the few prepared meals that don’t require thumbs, they are actually already supremely portable. In fact, absolutely nothing is gained from separating the ingredients into a can except for letting kids think that their parents have given up expressing any love whatsoever and are now feeding them nothing but Pringles.

Tamales

(source)

For over 120 years, the good people of Hormel have been daring America to choke down whatever it can cram into a can, even if the product is still screaming. That’s because they realize that if you’re eating Hormel either your camping trip has gone so horribly awry you have to chose between their food or wondering how many toes you can bite off before you can no longer reach higher shelving units, or your days as a bachelor have taken that sad turn in which you buy Ikea furniture with people names like "Billy Bookcase" so you don’t feel so lonely. Some of their products are classic regrets, like canned Vienna sausages, whose name is the worst thing that could happen to Austria’s tourism trade and whose contents look like there are eight guys who now have to pee through tubes instead. And some seem like bids for normalcy but fall far short, like Hormel Tamales, which takes a Mexican classic and turns it into CSI forensics evidence, complete with what you hope is blood because that would mean at least something in the dish is organic.

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/6-unexpected-canned-foods

[wayout]

I used to have canned bread all the time growing up. Great toasted with cream cheese and jelly if you like. Haven't had it for a while but I think I will look for it the next time I am grocery shopping.

[Guest NCBored]

I used to have canned bread all the time growing up. Great toasted with cream cheese and jelly if you like. Haven't had it for a while but I think I will look for it the next time I am grocery shopping.

My first year at college, one of my aunts sent me a 'care package' that included a canned pecan coffee cake. (I myself had never seen such, so I have no idea where she found it!)

[Guest hitoallusa]

Aww your Auntie is so sweet.. I like SPAM and they now have low sodium ones but not sure how they can make it not salty and preserve it for a long time.. They must be adding something else..

[RA1]

The oink.

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

Or some sort of newfangled preservatives that are likely carcinogenic.

[AdamSmith]

P.S. A few more...

...and the back side of the pork-brains can:

[Guest zipperzone]

Who in Hell's name would eat Alligator or Rattlesnake? NOT ME!

[AdamSmith]

I've had fried alligator. It's pretty good. Sort of like a slightly gamy, slightly fishy, slightly chewier chicken.

I don't think it was canned, though.

[RA1]

Aren't all preservatives carcinogenic? You haven't lived (in the South) until and unless you have had brains and eggs.

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

I don't think salt, the ur-preservative, is carcinogenic? Just everything-else-bad-ogenic.

I love brains (other people's ) but confess never to have had them with eggs.

[RA1]

I think it could be quantity vs. quality, so to speak. A little salt is good, a lot of salt is bad, a whole lot of salt might cause anything, even cancer.

Yes, I love other people's brains also. Nothing like massaging the largest sex organ.

Brains cooked together with scrambled eggs is delicious, especially if you don't know what you are eating. However, like most "organ" meats, it is bad for gout. Too bad because I like mountain oysters, bull fries and all such. Not so much for liver, lungs and some other organ meats but I am willing to bet you can guess my favorite organ meat to eat.

Best regards,

RA1

[Guest FourAces]

These all look like vomit

[Suckrates]

Nasty....just plain ole Nasty I tell you. Yo Quiero Taco Bell !

[Guest hitoallusa]

Oh my I feel like Spielberg's wife in the second Indiana Jones movie where she was served monkey brains...

[AdamSmith]

These all look like vomit

[Suckrates]

Oh my I feel like Spielberg's wife in the second Indiana Jones movie where she was served monkey brains...

my sweet hito, I wouldnt expect YOU would eat ANY of this shit....Afterall, you dont even suck Cock.

[AdamSmith]

Couple more...

[RA1]

I am not much on road kill, no matter how well prepared. However, I have eaten reindeer and elk + some, no doubt, rare delicacies during a holiday feast in Iceland but I have no idea what they were as I don't speak Norse all that well. Probably Hagaar the Horrible could have enlightened me but I think he was away sacking, pillaging and causing mischief elsewhere during the holidays.

Best regards,

RA1

[Theolover]

Creamed Possum with Coon Fat Gravy... should be a main course at a few weddings then add a few prune canapes and the fun can begin... lol

[AdamSmith]

then add a few prune canapes and the fun can begin... lol

ROFL

We have all been to a wedding or two like that!