One of the worst weeks ever - and it's not over yet

[Guest CharliePS]

Although it's probably a little too late in your case, it's a good idea for all of us who are likely to wind up with responsibility for someone else to plan for it as much as possible. One way is by slowly removing the things over which the older person has control rather than having to do it all at once. In my mother's case it was easy, because her mind continued to function pretty much normally, but as she lost her eyesight, she was happy to have someone else do things for her. My partner's mother was a different situation, because she lost her mental capacity before her senses, and was unwilling to give up control of anything--she even kept trying to slip away from the nursing home to find her car, in which she was sure she had arrived earlier that same day (her son had taken away the keys and car long before). Yet even though my mother was very reasonable, she still was extremely upset when she was told that she could no longer stay in her assisted living studio and had to move to the nursing facility (she was 98, blind, and increasingly incontinent). It upset me almost as much as her, but I knew I had no other real choice.

My partner is several years older than I am, and when I began to notice the first signs of senility in him (memory loss, inability to operate devices, etc.), I began to take over what had been his own and joint responsibilities, little by little, especially things that he didn't especially want to do; e.g., by now I handle all financial matters except his personal accounts (luckily, he has a longtime trustworthy financial advisor who handles all his investments), I drive whenever we go somewhere together, I deal with all household and auto maintenance, I answer the phone, etc. What I don't control directly, I monitor, like his interactions with doctors, his appointment schedule, his mail, his spending, and his computer use. I have had a financial power of attorney for many years, and I assume that someday I will have to invoke it. But I don't like to push anything until I am sure it's necessary.

The same kinds of things can be done with a parent over time, though the difference in the parent-child dynamic can be trickier than dealing with a partner.

[RA1]

It's all tricky. But, with perseverance, luck and a little imagination (and probably a boatload of tears) we can survive, at least until our turn in the rack.

Best regards,

RA1

[citylaw1]

Long term health care insurance isn't cheap (roughly 4k per year) but it offers private nursing, facilities, etc. without touching your savings.

On a side note, I feel for you here. Not easy at all.

[AdamSmith]

As citylaw and others have said, long-term care insurance is a very good idea for anyone still in position to put it in place. My 84yo mother has a policy (not near needing to use it yet, thank the Lord) that provides a 2-year benefit period for premium of $1350/yr.

[RA1]

LTC insurance is difficult to obtain IF you have any sort of health issues that contrast with a company's strict underwriting policies. There are three main benefits to LTC insurance. One obviously being the money the insurance provides for one's care. Two being that the total benefit (in dollars) becomes protected from Medicaid. In other words, if you have a two year contract at $300 a day, the $219,000 in total benefits prevents the state from forcing you to spend that amount from your savings or investments. The way that Medicaid works is that you have to spend all of your assets before the state kicks in with the above mentioned exception. Three being many care facilities will not accept anyone who cannot demonstrate the ability to pay for continued care. That can mean big assets or it can mean insurance. In other words you likely can get into a "better" facility than you might otherwise afford IF you have insurance. One kicker is that state law will prevent the facility from putting you out the door, once admitted. This may be the "best" benefit to LTC insurance.

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

All of RA1's points are valuable. Let me amplify his first one: Do not wait so late in life to apply that health problems make it very expensive or unobtainable.

[Guest CharliePS]

All of RA1's points are valuable. Let me amplify his first one: Do not wait so late in life to apply that health problems make it very expensive or unobtainable.

It's worth noting that the older you are when you get LTC insurance, the higher the annual premiums, and most companies won't issue any policy after you turn 80, no matter how healthy you are. It's also worth noting that Genworth, one of the major LTC insurers, will give a discount to a couple who apply together, regardless of gender or marital status, as long as you can show evidence that you really are a couple (live together, own assets together, etc.).

[Guest NCBored]

It's worth noting that the older you are when you get LTC insurance, the higher the annual premiums, and most companies won't issue any policy after you turn 80, no matter how healthy you are. It's also worth noting that Genworth, one of the major LTC insurers, will give a discount to a couple who apply together, regardless of gender or marital status, as long as you can show evidence that you really are a couple (live together, own assets together, etc.).

It's also worth noting that premiums can increase. Twice, I have been offered the option of accepting either increased premiums or reduced benefits at the same premium.

[RA1]

Unfortunately, there is no free lunch. We have to gaze deeply into our crystal balls and do our very best to anticipate what is likely best for each of our futures. I am very fearful of rampant inflation, sooner, rather than later. Otherwise, my crystal ball has a very large crack in it and I am diligently awaiting a repair person.

Best regards,

RA1

[Guest EXPAT]

Today I had to get him to sign away his car by signing over the title to my brother who is buying it. Boy did he fight me on this. He said I couldn't do this to him. I told him that he can't drive any more and he doesn't need a second car just sitting around. So either he signs it or I will as his POA. He said to me pointing his finger at me, "you can't shut me down so quickly". I said that he was 90 and it was time now for a change and that this was for the best and he had to trust me. He finally relented and then he would only take a dollar for the car from my brother. Dementia certainly lends to irrational and bizarre behavior. Then in the car later I explained again why all of this was happening. I know on some level he gets it but then he forgets and tries to do what he used to do. He just no longer has the right judgment to do things in moderation anymore. It's sad but unfortunate at the same time. But if I have him checked out of the nursing home like I do this afternoon, I have to watch him like a hawk so he won't do something stupid. When he was weaker and couldn't do much it was easier, but now he has most of his strength back. So his kidneys and bladder and urinary tract are all normal now finally. But having infections there as an elderly person really whacks you out mentally, that's for sure.

[Guest EXPAT]

I'm bringing my father home from the nursing home tomorrow. He's improved so much that he can live at home now but with nursing help. I told you we put his house up for sale so they can move to a safer senior apartment with handicapped bathroom etc. But it isn't available until the end of June. So they will have to live in their current house for another month. We got an offer today that is almost satisfactory. We counter offered and hopefully they will accept. I was surprised we got an offer in two weeks in this market. But I want this house gone (even though it is my childhood home) but it is no longer safe for my 90 year old father and his 90 year old wife.

What I need after 7 weeks in the midwest with all of this mess is a really long weekend with a hot bottom escort !!!!!!!!

[Guest EXPAT]

I'm finally driving back to California on Friday after being here for nearly 7 weeks. But I will only be home for 3 weeks before I have to come back and help move my father out of his house and into his senior apartment. We have lots of help to get it done quickly and efficiently so they can sleep one place one night and be in the new place the next night. But this time I'll be flying back to the midwest for a couple of more weeks. Then we will leave them on their own.

[Guest hitoallusa]

Safe trips.. It will be a long drive.. Take breaks often.. Big hugs~~~

[wayout]

Glad to hear that things are progressing in a positive way for your dad. Hope the trip back home allows you some time to relax. Safe travels.

[Guest EXPAT]

I'm finally home after a 2 1/2 day drive back. My father called me about 5 or 6 times each day I was driving. He had his big Map book out and he was following me on my journey making sure I was making good time. My sister said he just misses me after having been there non-stop for 7 weeks. I sure hope he will be alright. I have enough people checking on him for the next three weeks before we move them. As soon as I walked in the door today I collapsed and slept for 3 hours before I did any unpacking.

[BigK]

I'm finally home after a 2 1/2 day drive back. My father called me about 5 or 6 times each day I was driving. He had his big Map book out and he was following me on my journey making sure I was making good time. My sister said he just misses me after having been there non-stop for 7 weeks. I sure hope he will be alright. I have enough people checking on him for the next three weeks before we move them. As soon as I walked in the door today I collapsed and slept for 3 hours before I did any unpacking.

As difficult a time as this has been for you I hope you feel the rewarding aspects of it too. I hope you are cherishing the time you have left with your Father.

[Guest EXPAT]

I have to thank all of you for posting on this thread. It was very soothing to read the comments and experiences you all shared. It has been and will continue to be a difficult time for me. But you do get comfort and help from the most unexpected places sometimes.

[Guest hitoallusa]

Oh my EXPAT, why didn't you call me that you will be arriving... I would have cleaned your place and had a nice meal cooked for you on the table.. Followed by a nice massage.

Glad that you have arrived home safe. Hope you recharge.

I'm finally home after a 2 1/2 day drive back. My father called me about 5 or 6 times each day I was driving. He had his big Map book out and he was following me on my journey making sure I was making good time. My sister said he just misses me after having been there non-stop for 7 weeks. I sure hope he will be alright. I have enough people checking on him for the next three weeks before we move them. As soon as I walked in the door today I collapsed and slept for 3 hours before I did any unpacking.