One of the worst weeks ever - and it's not over yet

[Guest EXPAT]

I had to leave town to go see my father because his wife said that she was noticing some odd behavior from him and she was concerned. He also missed both my sisters and my birthdays this month which he has never done in our entire life. So I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. So I got back to Indiana and I went to my father's house on Saturday morning. When I walked in the door I didn't see anyone and I walked into the kitchen and my father was on the floor and he couldn't get up. He had been there over two hours. He had fallen coming up the stairs. So I helped him up into a chair and he was like dead weight. His wife didn't know it had even happened because she was still in bed.

I could immediately tell in talking to him that he had had a stroke of some sort. Within another hour he fell again in the house and his chair, table and lamp all fell on top of him. So I immediately took him to the emergency room. I was fearing that he had a brain bleed and that was causing his problems.

They immediately admitted him and I have been sitting with him in the hospital since Saturday. This "stroke-event' also caused a rapidly advancing dementia which made everything worse. He had to be watched every second to make sure he didn't get up and fall again or hurt himself. The father I once knew is now gone 90% of the time and that was so difficult to witness first hand. At one point he even hit me because I wouldn't let him get up. As the week progressed he had extremely bad days and some good days. We had to teach him how to stand up and walk all over again. I finally got him to use a walker after refusing for so long. And on the second day in consultation with the doctor we came to the conclusion that he was no longer going to be able to care or live alone with his wife.

So I had to go out and investigate local nursing homes that had rehab facilities. I found a few good ones but many terrible terrible ones that made me want to vomit. In fact I did when I left one in particular. But I found a good one that I liked that also has an assisted living section. There is a remote possibility that this dementia could correct itself and he could live in assisted living but it's doubtful.

So today I finally moved my Dad from the hospital to the nursing home. I thought it would be a horrible scene because he wouldn't want to stay there, but he was amazingly calm. Although he was surprised that I showed up with a bunch of his clothes he could wear going forward. He said, "Am I sleeping here tonight? You mean I'm not going home?" And he started crying. It broke my heart. But I held his hand and asked him to trust me. I said you raised me to do the right thing and I just want to keep you safe.

This has been the most gut wrenching week I've ever experienced. And now we have to make sure he can adjust to his new home. As his POA, I have to now take over his household etc. I have to make a decision soon whether to sell my childhood home or not in order to eventually pay for his post medicare-covered stay at the nursing home.

A little bright spot before I left him at the nursing home tonight was his asking me "Are you OK son?" I thought, there is my old dad being his old caring self. . .

[Guest lurkerspeaks]

So sorry to hear of your family troubles. Dealing with a parent's aging and declining health is never an easy thing. It sounds like you have done/are doing all you can under the circumstances. Enjoy what time you can with you father. Be sure to say the little things now while you still can. As someone who has lost both parents, I know how it feels to have things left unsaid.

[marcanthony]

sadly it's the circle of life. knowing that doesn't make it any easier though. hoping everything moves along as smoothly as possible and definitely my best wishes to you and yours...

[TampaYankee]

My sympathy to you EXPAT. I know personally how this is a very sad and trying time. There is little to be said that can take the sharp edges off an experience like this.

[Guest hitoallusa]

Aww Expat you are so sweet. I pray for the best..

[wayout]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father. I also can strongly relate to what you are going through. Your father's question asking if you are ok is a beautiful moment and hopefully there will be many more of those that show his "old" self. Do take his question to heart and remember to take care of yourself because you need to remain strong for him.

[Guest FourAces]

EXPAT as others have mentioned I too have been through a like heartbreaking experience. I wish I could tell you it will become easier or all will be good ... You and your family will be in my prayers.

As mentioned above it is important you also take care of yourself as you go through this unwanted journey so you can be well enough to make the right decisions. btw I would hold off on any major decision that doesn't relate directly to your Father's health at this time .. like your house. Its probably best to wait a few weeks to A- see how your Father will progress and B- just to have a clear head when making such a decision.

[JKane]

Deepest sympathies Expat! Hope other family members can help you out and that his wife is more a help than a hurt.

[lookin]

Please add my good wishes to those already given. I'm glad you're able to appreciate the bright spots as they come along, and that you and your dad have been able to hold on to the obvious affection you have for one another.

Sometimes when these difficult life journeys come along, it may help to realize that some of the most difficult steps have been taken and are now behind you.

You know our thoughts are with you and your dad.

[Guest CharliePS]

I've been there, so I know what you are going through. The hardest part is doing what you know is best for him, even though he hates it and may blame you for it. The second hardest part is dealing with disappointment, if your hope that things will get better is never realized. There is not much you can do besides accepting that this a just a part of life for most of us, and you have done the best that you could for him.

The role reversal from child to parent is uncomfortable for both parties.

I don't know whether you will need to sell the house, but you should start checking out his financial situation immediately. Medicare will only pay for recovery in the nursing home, but there may not be any recovery, and if your father needs longterm, permanent care, you will need to find some other way to pay for it. There is a big difference in the cost of assisted living vs. nursing home care, and it sounds like he might need to be professionally evaluated to see which is appropriate. You also need to be sure that you or some other responsible family member has power of financial attorney for him, especially if his wife is unable to handle things (it doesn't sound as though she has been very involved in what you have been doing). The hospital should have a social worker who can help you with some of the details, or should be able to direct you to sources of information.

[Guest rimchair]

My thoughts are also with you and your family ExPat.

[Lucky]

EXPAT, thank you for sharing the story of your week. I know it must have been exceptionally difficult, but you did what had to be done. I hope things work out for both you and your father, but as others have pointed out, a change has occurred and it will be hard to adapt to it, but I have no doubt that you will.

(Still retired, but i wanted EXPAT to know that I care about what he is going through.)

[AdamSmith]

EXPAT, we extend our listening in sympathy and hope, our advice where we feel qualified, and above all maybe our gratitude that you -- and, by your reminder here, all of us -- feel among one another the sense of caring community that make these possible.

You have done us as much a service as we could hope to do you. My deepest best wishes for whatever may lie ahead for you and your father.

[BigK]

My heart was going out to you as I read your post. Then I was gripped with fear for myself. I, luckily, haven't faced this yet, but it's not too terribly far off for me.

Your excellent writing style and sharing has been very helpful to me. I also feel like getting on a plane and flying out to help you. Since that is not realistic, please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers while I reluctantly learn from your experiences. I hope that you have many around you who will help you out. Please accept any help that is out there and ask for it from those close to you who should be offering but have not yet. Maybe they're just uncomfortable with the situation and would be glad given suggestions to help. You'll find out soon enough which ones don't have the empathy or ability to be of assistance and then just move on from them to those who will support you and your Dad. Sad.

Hang in there.

[Guest Hoover42]

I'm so sorry, Expat.

[Guest EXPAT]

Your comments have been very soothing to me after another bad day.

I visited him today and all he talked about was going home and I caught the nurses trying to passify him by just saying soon. And I asked them to stop just agreeing with him. I want him to know through constant repitition that he can't leave until he gets stronger and can be safe and that he MUST trust his son to be doing the right thing for him. It's tough suddenly being the disciplinarian with your own stern father.

[Guest NCBored]

EXPAT, you have my deepest sympathies. As CharliePS says, one of the hardest parts is doing what you know is best even when he doesn't, and essentialy becoming the parent.

I brought my father to stay with me last year, after a rapid post-surgical decline in his physical abilities and progression of his dementia, but he is unhappy here and will probably never reconcile himself to the situation. And at this point, he forgets 90% within 6-12 hours, so whatever I do for him or explain to him is forgotten almost immediately. On a few occasions, he asked me, "Who's going to take care of YOU?" Scary!

I hope you can find some support from close friends - care-giving can consume your life if you aren't carefu, and you have to find a balancel.

[Guest EXPAT]

So today my brother and I took my Dad to the DMV to take his drivers license away. I was really afraid of this exercise which is why I wanted my brother with me. He took it well and surrendered his drivers license and he will be getting an official state issued photo ID in its place. I know he was disappointed because I could see it in his face. But it has to be done.

I would absolutely hate losing control over things. I have taken over paying all of his bills and he wanted to understand all of the detail today and since I'm doing it all electronically it's hard for him to understand what I'm saying. But again, I would really hate suddenly not doing something that I had been used to doing all of my life.

I told him that he taught me everything he knows and my processes are his processes. So he should trust me to do it as he would. But still that has to be tough to not be in control.

Such a tough month so far. . . and it's not over yet. I'm still back in Indiana after 5 weeks and I'm still not sure when I will be going home. But I will have to do it soon.

[Guest NCBored]

E

So today my brother and I took my Dad to the DMV to take his drivers license away. I was really afraid of this exercise which is why I wanted my brother with me. He took it well and surrendered his drivers license and he will be getting an official state issued photo ID in its place. I know he was disappointed because I could see it in his face. But it has to be done.

I would absolutely hate losing control over things. I have taken over paying all of his bills and he wanted to understand all of the detail today and since I'm doing it all electronically it's hard for him to understand what I'm saying. But again, I would really hate suddenly not doing something that I had been used to doing all of my life.

I told him that he taught me everything he knows and my processes are his processes. So he should trust me to do it as he would. But still that has to be tough to not be in control.

Such a tough month so far. . . and it's not over yet. I'm still back in Indiana after 5 weeks and I'm still not sure when I will be going home. But I will have to do it soon.

Expat, this sounds exactly like what I went through with my father. His ophthalmologist actually reported him to the state as being incompetent to drive about 4 years ago, I guess. My father insisted on undergoing evaluation & testing to keep his license, but he failed. And, to my surprise, he didn't really object when I t took his car keys. But basically he gave up his independence then. I began buying his groceries and a close friend stepped in to keep him involved with his social circle, but that friend died within a year. I took over all his finances after he was scammed several times.

I know the lose of control is a significant issue. At first my father seemed okay with it, but I know he still frets over it, and occasionally some resentment breaks through. He has accused me of taking all his money because he doesn't have a checkbook or a printed bank statement. I returned his checkbook to him and have printed out bank statements, but he forgets.

Your father may turn his resentment at his situation on you, at some point, if his dementia progresses. That's really hard to bear, but you have to remember that sometimes it's the disease causing this.

You haven't updated us on his condition. is his dementia progressing? Have you found a suitable living arrangement for him?

You have my heart-felt sympathy.

[RA1]

In a lot of ways, fathers with medical and mental issues are harder to deal with than mothers (on their children). Of course, both tend to have slightly different problems and approaches to how they deal with such. My mother did not object when I suggested she stop driving. She simply expected me to take her where ever she needed to go. Actually I was very lucky that her mental faculties were there through out her life and although she expected me to do right by her she was never too demanding.

From the posts on this thread a lot of us have already been where you are now or are in the middle of something similar or about to be in something similar. That does not necessarily make the daily grind of being there and doing things easier but I am hoping that knowing others have lived through this is of some comfort to you.

Best regards,

RA1

[Guest hitoallusa]

I hope you take good care of yourself, EXPAT.. I know it's tough. But think of it as your precious time with your father and enjoy every moment. Please make sure to take some time of your own. My friend has a sweet teenage girl who would come and play with his dad, watch movies, fix meal for him and etc.. She doesn't do it for money but to help an elderly. I think my friend pays her some still... While she is there he takes some time off and do errands. I hope you can find someone who can help you like that.. You have to take good care of yourself, dear. Big warm hugs...

[wayout]

Everyone's journey with their aging parents is different but often share certain commonalities, as we see in this thread. From experience I can tell you that you will need to try different things to see what works best for you and your father. It will also require some ongoing changes as things progress through stages.

The one thing that is critical, as I and others have mentioned, is to take time for yourself and to take care of yourself. That can't be said enough. For my mom, we have someone from an agency (the same person for familiarity) come in every day for the morning to be with her and take care of hygiene, so that allows me to do what I need to do. My mom had the foresight years ago to get a long term care insurance policy so that has kicked in to help take care of those expenses. A lesson for many who don't have someone they can depend on should we ever have similar experiences. For caregivers without that type of insurance, the Alzheimer's Association does have programs that provides respite assistance.

Build that support network. Both for yourself and for your dad. It can be family, friends, agencies, associations, church group, city services, etc. See what you think would work for your situation. There are often adult day care centers that he may be able to go to in the area. Our community offers daily lunches for seniors at the community center, transportation services as well as meals on wheels for daily dinner deliveries. The Alzheimer's Association can provide details of many resources in your area. You and other caregivers for your father may find value in support groups that meet regularly in your community or online groups.

As far as your father's feeling of losing control and possibly purpose, there may be things to try to help him. While it may be easier and more convenient for us to do things ourselves, it may not always be the best for our parent. Letting them do as much as they used to do as possible is good as long as they don't get too frustrated. You may often have to redo whatever they do but still give them the chance to keep as much of their routine as possible. My mom was quite the housekeeper and loves her garden and plants. So she still will wash the dishes in the sink (and I wash them again in the dishwasher), dusts and sweeps everyday (even though I have someone come in weekly to clean the house top to bottom), and waters her plants (even though half of it ends up on the floor and I have to clean it up). Although she no longer cooks, she can help in the kitchen preparing meals with help and direction. As weather permits, she is outside raking the lawn (even if very little to rake) or picking up sticks, weeds, etc. All these things are beneficial both in keeping their sense of normal routine along with giving them important exercise. With bills and such, while still able to focus on them, we did them together (using her system). So my suggestion is don't take things away from him until absolutely necessary but find some way to allow him to continue as much as possible for as long as possible doing things with help. Include him as much as possible rather than exclude him from those activities he is used to do. The exception is often those things that are safety issues (like driving and using stoves, knives, matches, etc).

Speaking of safety, that is a whole other topic and one worth looking into sooner than later. A survey of the house to deal with potential safety issues is useful if you haven't already done that. It can be related to loose rugs or exposed chords that can be tripping hazards, cleaning fluids in secure place (some can get confused and drink them), etc. It is, in effect, an exercise to "child proof" the home, for lack of a better phrase. Depending on circumstances, medical alert systems should be considered. Also, at some point you may have an issue with "wandering" where your father suddenly has the need to go somewhere and will go out by himself. Many elderly get confused easily and get lost. There are systems in place to help with that situation and worth looking into.

For my mom, we have focused the mornings (her best time of day) on pleasant events. As she loves flowers, we take her to the garden center to look at flowers. We set up bird and squirrel feeders in her back yard and she enjoys sitting on the porch watching them. Finding such things for your father will be at some point a useful distraction for him. One thing that has worked very well for us is that we got mom a rescue dog recently. She never had a dog before but has taken to her like one of her children and loves to spoil her. It adds more work for me but on balance it is worth it.

Sorry to be so long winded and likely you have thought about many of these things but it is a topic close to my heart. I am still learning, being proactive and trying new things. Some work and some don't. The best thing that your father has going for him is a loving son who is motivated to do what is best for his dad. Just remember that you don't have to go through this alone.

[wayout]

btw, my post above is more focused on the situation where a parent would be living at home, but some of it still applies if at an assisted living facility to some extent. That change from home to a facility is something I have not had to deal with at this point and I imagine provides other challenges. My view is that if at all possible, living at home is the best for them but I realize it is not always practical or possible.

[RA1]

Actually my mother moved into a retirement community at age 65 so she would have help with her mother who was living with her. She unfailingly called this facility the old folks home. They promised, for a fee, to take care of her for the rest of her life which they did. But, of course, they were not perfect. Most of the time my mother was happy in the general community, living in her own apartment with two meals furnished and plenty of activities and amenities. There was enough variety and a large community so that I think it was easy enough to deal with minor inconveniences. Of course the maintenance fees went up every year and had more than doubled after the 27 years she lived there.

When her health began to decline and she fell a few times, first she went to rehab and then to the long term care which most of us call a nursing home. All co-located. Here one finds the meat and potatoes of such a facility. In my case, I have few complaints about the care and caring of the staff. Basically they gave good care and were caring. I even have good things to say about the "middle" supervisors but not so much good to say about the upper management. As I and others have observed in the past, no one likes their landlord. They did deliver what they promised but it could have been done with less acrimony and, where have you heard this before, more transparency. As it turned out, I did not know all the rules and ramifications thereof until too late to make them work better for me and us.

Before signing any agreement or contract with any facility I highly recommend reading through the literature and contract. Any questions you can ask to improve your understanding thereof will pay benefits in the long run. Peace of mind is imperative and sometimes the least found commodity.

Best regards,

RA1

[Guest FourAces]

EXPAT many experiences and well wishes have been shared with you in this thread. Sadly it probably will become more difficult for all involved. Its a frustrating time that might even have you crying yourself to sleep some nights.

All I can really add at this point is that you are a good son ... a very intelligent man who is dealing with a horrific situation. Try to keep things in perspective and remember your own well being throughout this ordeal.

You are in my prayers.