AdamSmith Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 New Antidepressant Makes Friends’ Problems Seem Worse News in Brief • Science & Technology • health • medicine • healthcare • ISSUE 50•01 • Jan 2, 2014 INDIANAPOLIS—Offering a promising new treatment for those suffering from depression, pharmaceutical manufacturer Eli Lilly introduced a new antidepressant Wednesday that causes patients to perceive their friends’ problems as far worse than their own. “After just a single dose, clinical trial participants’ moods improved dramatically as they began to believe that each of their close friends was struggling with serious financial, professional, familial, and medical issues,” said drug developer Eugenio Risso, explaining that 9 out of 10 subjects reported markedly lower levels of pessimism, self-doubt, and generalized unhappiness after they began to sense that those around them were on the verge of full-scale emotional breakdowns. “This drug allows depressed patients to concentrate exclusively on their friends’ troubles and mentally magnify them, enabling them to, for example, construe an insignificant argument between a couple they know as a sign that these individuals are in the middle of a catastrophic marital crisis. And we found that that thought alone is enough to improve the subject’s mood for a week or longer.” Risso warned that patients must not exceed recommended dosages of the drug, as extreme magnification of former classmates’ and coworkers’ misery was found to produce an overwhelming and highly addictive sense of euphoria. http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-antidepressant-makes-friends-problems-seem-wor,34851/ Quote
AdamSmith Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Sports Journalist Told To Write Some Slop About Baseball Healing Boston News in Brief • Local • news media • sports culture • ISSUE 49•44 • Oct 29, 2013 BOSTON—Ahead of Wednesday’s potential World Series–clinching Game 6 matchup between the Red Sox and Cardinals, sources confirmed that Los Angeles Times sports editor Sam Poyet instructed journalist Ross Martinez to quickly throw together some slop about baseball helping the city of Boston heal from this year’s tragic marathon bombings. “Just shit out like six or seven hundred words’ worth of melodramatic sludge about how the whole city has been galvanized by their team and how baseball offers a way for Bostonians to slowly move on from tragedy,” said Poyet, adding that Martinez should definitely churn out a couple paragraphs of muck contrasting the overwhelming terror pervading Boston during the aftermath of the bombings to the especially emotional and impassioned atmosphere at Fenway Park this season. “Don’t forget to mention the ‘Boston Strong’ rallying cry, the club’s tributes to victims during each game, and how this is all about much more than just baseball. And, I don’t know, a little section about the players saying some heartwarming gunk about how much this means to the people of Boston. Then maybe round off the whole sentimental garbage heap with something about how no matter what, the day will never be forgotten. Oh, and something where you use the phrase ‘the wounded heart of a proud city.’ Just throw it all in the trough; they’ll eat it up.” Poyet added that the giant mound of histrionic, exploitative glop should probably start off with the sentence, “The morning of April 15, 2013 wasn’t much different from any other in downtown Boston.” http://www.theonion.com/articles/sports-journalist-told-to-write-some-slop-about-ba,34381/ JKane 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Some Mark Twain gems... http://www.bizbag.com/twain.htm Quote
