AdamSmith Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 From a long-ago issue of National Lampoon. [Here's a parody of T. S. Eliot's poem, THE LOVE SONG OF J. ALFRED PRUFROCK. Copied from http://www.homepages.paradise.net.nz/ggaskell/eliot.html It was originally published in The National Lampoon.] THE LOVE SONG OF J. EDGAR HOOVER By Sean Kelly, 1972 We'd better go quietly, you and I, When the evening is smeared against the sky Like a witness before a House committee. We'd better tail each other through the streets The undercover beats Of stakeout nights in Mafia hotels And restaurants that front for mob cartels; Streets that follow like a DA's argument Establishing intent To overwhelm you with a leading question.... Oh, let's go and bust a traitor We'll pick up the warrant later. The agents call and call again Talking of Daniel Berrigan. And indeed they'll all do time, That yellow mob that riots in the street, Trashing the banks and breaking windowpanes; They will do time, they will do time. The mug shots are prepared, I'll know their faces when we meet; They will do time for murder, crossing state Lines with intent, their idle little hands Will do time punching out my license plate; Time for throwing and overthrowing, And time for a hundred conspiracies, And a hundred tricks and treacheries, Plenty of time for that where they're going. The agents call and call again Talking of Daniel Berrigan. Yes indeed, they'll all do time, Those Commie symps who talk behind my back, For every liberal sneer and dirty crack, For every smear and bleeding heart attack (They all say: "Look, his arse is getting fat") They criticize my shapeless suits and snappy G-man hat, My collar a size too small, -my simple string cravat (They all say: "His neck is thick, his head is fat") Do I dare Wiretap the universe? I look forward to a time Of decisions and convictions the Supreme Court can't reverse. For I know them all already, I have dossiers on them all:- Have them cold for tax evasion, graft or rape, I've spun out my life on little spools of tape; I have their voices lying, have each spying call, Have dates, names, places, everything I need. Now shall I proceed? And I have known the spies already, known them all- They fix the courts, the CIA was formed by Commie spies, It has all been infiltrated, crawling with those reds, I'll pin the buggers up against the wall. Me and my trusty Feds Will stick the butt-ends of our forty-fours between their thighs! But how shall I proceed? And I have known the arms already, known them all Arms any moron has the right to bear (But in the lab light, fingerprints are there!) Thinking of a gun or rifle Makes me digress a trifle. Along with dope and marked bills, I'll plant pistols on them all. And then should I proceed? And when should I begin? * * * Shall I say, I have gone disguised through littered streets And smelled the smoke that rises from the joints Of long-haired party-members throwing rocks through windows? ... I should have been a pair of rugged cuffs Closing upon the wrists of Eldridge C. * * * My dreams of glory, my ambition, slipped from my hands Smothered by long intrigue, Plots ... subterfuges ... they fatigue My old brain, codes, command and countermands. Should I, after Dillinger, in my finest hour, Have made my move, sought office, taken power? Though I was supercop, and every reader of the Digest knew it, Though I have seen my face (ferocious toad) on every cover and front page, I never took the lead -- remained backstage; I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen Life's cameraman focus on me, and snicker. And in short, I blew it. And after all, would it have been worthwhile, Behind the pictures, underneath the rugs, In every nook and cranny to have placed my little bugs, To have them all, the victims and assailants, In me they trust, one nation under surveillance; To have squeezed the universe into a file To open at my whim and/or discretion, To say: "I am Jehovah, strict but fair, My eye is on the sparrow, and on you!" -- If one, sticking a finger in the air, Should say back to the microphone: "Fuck you!" Should say: "Fuck you." And smile. And would it have been worth it, after all, Would it have been worth while, After the shootouts and the setups and the incriminating leaks, After the columns, after the speeches, after the trials that dragged on for years -- The TV show on which the Chief appears? -- It's just impossible to say how mean I am! But if I had the nerve to let them screen the truth about this sham: Would you have been worthwhile If all my agents, breaking cover, dropping their disguise, Should suddenly surround me, and say to my surprise: "There is a plot. What's more, we're, all In on the plot, investigate us all!" * * * No! I am, not Efrem Zimbalist, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant pig behind the arras, Stupid, and so not easy to embarrass, Useful for busting dealers at the borders, Reading St. Paul to white congregations, Arranging suitable defenestrations, And casting demons out from demonstrations; Sometimes I interrupt assassinations Sometimes I give the orders. I grow old ... I grow old ... Some whom I sent up for life have been paroled. Are my agents wearing sideburns? Who dared to say impeach? I shall give communion breakfast my Commie-menace speech. I have heard canaries singing, each to each. I don't think any more will sing for me. I have seen them burning draft cards in the park Burning the files of bureaus and committees, The wind is black with burning flags and cities. We have, played with fire, bringing down the heat To smother reds and blacks in screens of smoke Till human torches touch us, and we croak. http://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=74185 Quote
Members MsGuy Posted October 13, 2015 Members Posted October 13, 2015 How much does 10 weeks of rehab take off? AdamSmith 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted October 13, 2015 Posted October 13, 2015 How much does 10 weeks of rehab take off? There's a Zen koan in there somewhere. MsGuy 1 Quote
Members MsGuy Posted October 16, 2015 Members Posted October 16, 2015 I'm posting this one just for AdamSmith. AdamSmith 1 Quote
Members RA1 Posted October 17, 2015 Members Posted October 17, 2015 Another reason to pick your parents carefully. Best regards, RA1 AdamSmith 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I should be shot for posting this. Nevertheless... JKane and MsAnn 2 Quote
Members MsGuy Posted October 18, 2015 Members Posted October 18, 2015 I should be shot for posting this. "I need a hug, a kiss, A bullet to the brain And someone to hold me as they pull the trigger And tell me it will be OK." ==== Finding that special someone is the hardest part, AS, but I have faith in you. AdamSmith and MsAnn 2 Quote
AdamSmith Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 P.S. Even yours truly managed near about two solid years of it before I had to come up for air. Quote
