Joke for the Day: Add more if you want

[AdamSmith]

[AdamSmith]

[AdamSmith]

[RA1]

Hey, we both know ALL those, don't we?

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

[mvan1]

I very recently confided to my best friend

that I was having an affair.

He turned to me and quietly asked,

'Are you having it catered?'

And that,

my friend,

is the definition of "OLD"

[mvan1]

~ ~ ~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

About being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied,

'No peer pressure.'

~ ~ ~

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries,

a hip replacement,

New knees,

fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything

quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy,

winded,

and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,

I still have my

Florida driver's license.

~ ~ ~

[mvan1]

~ ~ ~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will

and Told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and

second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me

twice a week.'

~ ~ ~

[mvan1]

~ ~ ~

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eye sight to tell the difference.

~ ~ ~

[mvan1]

~ ~ ~

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag

or make anyone jealous

or anything,

but I can still fit into the socks

I wore in high school.

[MsGuy]

ALWAYS ASK FIRST!

[AdamSmith]

[RA1]

So, AS, are you among the legions that greet Spring with a big sneeze?

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]

So, AS, are you among the legions that greet Spring with a big sneeze?

Not really, thank heaven, the house being surrounded by pine trees. Right now every outside surface is yellow with pollen.

But I live in dread of the day when Father Time says, This is the year you get allergies.

[RA1]

Father Time can be an antagonist on many fronts.

Best regards,

RA1

[MsAnn]

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report

Borowitz Report

April 14, 2015 Hillary Clinton Officially Begins Nineteen Months of Looking Concerned By Andy Borowitz

LE CLAIRE, IOWA (The Borowitz Report) – With a stop in Iowa on Tuesday, the Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton officially embarked on a nineteen-month marathon of looking concerned.

Sitting with patrons at Jones Street Java House, in Le Claire, the former Secretary of State listened intently, sipped from a cup of coffee, and nodded her head at appropriate junctures, flawlessly reënacting a brief scene from her first campaign video.

After about twenty minutes of virtually nonstop displays of empathy, a Clinton aide said, “we decided to shut it down.”

“Hillary is staring down nineteen months of sipping coffee and nodding her head,” the aide continued. “We want to make sure she paces herself.”

After her Iowa visit, Clinton is scheduled to bring her looks of concern to New Hampshire, South Carolina, and other early primary states.

It's day two and already she has sucked me in. Sucked as in figuratively, not literally.

[AdamSmith]

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

News in Brief • Politics • politicians • hillary clinton • ISSUE 51•14 • Apr 12, 2015

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck this up for her. “Listen up, assholes, ’cause I’m only saying this once: I’ve worked way too goddamn hard to let you morons blow this thing for me,” said Clinton, repeatedly jabbing her index finger toward the viewers at home while adding that if they thought she was going to simply sit back and watch them dick her over like they did in 2008, they were out of their fucking minds. “Seriously, don’t you dare even think about it. If you shitheads can just get in line, we can breeze through this whole campaign in 19 months and be done with it. Or, if you really want, we can do this the hard way. Because make no mistake, I’m not fucking around. Got it?” Clinton then ended her announcement by vowing to fight for a better future for all working-class families like the one she grew up in.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hillary-clinton-to-nation-do-not-fuck-this-up-for,38416/

[AdamSmith]

U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption

News in Brief • Politics • World • government • politicians • world leaders • ISSUE 51•15 • Apr 13, 2015

WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption. “If Cuba is to thrive on the global stage, it must end its autocratic abuses of power, and hold free and fair elections to determine which officials will ultimately siphon off public resources for their own personal gain,” said Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Sherman, who called on Cuba’s communist regime to cede some political control and let opposition parties play a greater role in its shady backroom dealings and systems of graft. “We recognize that change will not happen overnight, but by allowing influence-peddling, kickbacks, and the misappropriation of funds to be controlled by elected representatives of the people, Cuba will earn the world’s trust and respect. It’s time for Cuba to embrace the same dishonest, nominally democratic form of government that all of its neighbors have.” Sherman went on to express the administration’s hopes for a future in which Cuba will regularly conduct transparent elections bought and paid for by powerful corporate interests.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-encouraging-cuba-to-shift-toward-democratic-sys,38422/

[RA1]

If she had actually said this to the public, I would be much more inclined to vote for her.

Best regards,

RA1

[MsAnn]

U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption

News in Brief • Politics • World • government • politicians • world leaders • ISSUE 51•15 • Apr 13, 2015

WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption. “If Cuba is to thrive on the global stage, it must end its autocratic abuses of power, and hold free and fair elections to determine which officials will ultimately siphon off public resources for their own personal gain,” said Under Secretary of State for Political Affairs Wendy Sherman, who called on Cuba’s communist regime to cede some political control and let opposition parties play a greater role in its shady backroom dealings and systems of graft. “We recognize that change will not happen overnight, but by allowing influence-peddling, kickbacks, and the misappropriation of funds to be controlled by elected representatives of the people, Cuba will earn the world’s trust and respect. It’s time for Cuba to embrace the same dishonest, nominally democratic form of government that all of its neighbors have.” Sherman went on to express the administration’s hopes for a future in which Cuba will regularly conduct transparent elections bought and paid for by powerful corporate interests.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-encouraging-cuba-to-shift-toward-democratic-sys,38422/

Bingo...

[MsGuy]

Who really loves you, baby?

Lock your significant other and your dog in the trunk of your car.

Come back a couple of hours later and open the lid.

Who's happy to see you?

[AdamSmith]

[MsAnn]

truth.....

[RA1]

Why would any of us do that?

Best regards,

RA1

[AdamSmith]