AdamSmith Posted July 15, 2014 Posted July 15, 2014 Courtesy Facebook page 'Canadian Rednecks.' https://www.facebook.com/CanadianRednecks.ca?fref=photo Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 17, 2014 Posted July 17, 2014 Police Department Reduces Costs By Using Same Evidence For Every Investigation NEWS IN BRIEF Local Police Crime & Justice News ISSUE 5028 Jul 16, 2014 JACKSONVILLE, FL Noting that the new procedure is far more efficient and has completely streamlined the investigative process, representatives from the Jacksonville Police Department confirmed Wednesday they have been able to sharply reduce costs by reusing the same evidence in every case they handle. "Our department used to spend considerable time and manpower scouring crime scenes for clues, obtaining search warrants, interrogating suspects, and interviewing witnesses, but since we started using the same gun and DNA swab for every crime, weve been able to breeze through investigations in no time," said police chief Alec McCarthy, who stated that the Jacksonville police have been able to close every case that has come up since the new protocol was enacted as well as make a significant dent in the departments accumulated backlog of unsolved crimes. "Homicide investigations would often drag on for weeks, but now we're in and out in two hours. We knocked out a triple murder, four breaking and enterings, and two aggravated assaults with a deadly weapon just this morning, and were on track to wrap up a couple of old child abduction cold cases by the end of the day." Citing the success of the new program, the department said it is considering reusing the same signed confession for each case as well. http://www.theonion.com/articles/police-department-reduces-costs-by-using-same-evid,36476/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Default%3A2%3ADefault JKane 1 Quote
Members RA1 Posted July 17, 2014 Members Posted July 17, 2014 I did not realize that they had grass in Nova Scotia, much less lawn mowers. Tractors with snow blades, yes. Best regards, RA1 Quote
Members RA1 Posted July 17, 2014 Members Posted July 17, 2014 Unfortunately the Onions rendition of how police departments use evidence is sometimes too close to the truth for comfort. Of course, often, comedy is very much based upon the "truth". Best regards, RA1 AdamSmith 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size News • products • business • ISSUE 30•11 • Oct 22, 1996 ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might. The new bottles take up an enormous amount of display space. Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss. "The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable." The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks. "By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not." Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. "Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the new Coke size is." Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the newly sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you." Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be able to get my old job back!" The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives settled on "Family Size" as the product's official name. An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees challenge," head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said. http://www.theonion.com/articles/cocacola-introduces-new-30liter-size,1696/ RA1 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 18, 2014 Posted July 18, 2014 Everyone In Middle East Given Own Country In 317,000,000-State Solution News • Politics • middle east • News • ISSUE 50•28 • Jul 17, 2014 NEW YORK—Marking the latest and most ambitious attempt to bring stability to the region, the United Nations announced Wednesday that every single person in the Middle East will receive his or her own sovereign nation as part of a historic 317,000,000-state solution. The broad and extensive compromise, which affects more than 3,000,000 square miles formerly occupied by the territories of Israel, the West Bank, Gaza, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Oman, Yemen, Egypt, and Jordan, will reportedly draw over 750,000,000 new borders in what experts claim will help drastically curb sectarian violence. “Given the incredibly complex and volatile sociopolitical landscape throughout the Middle East, a 317,000,000-state solution is the only realistic means of achieving lasting peace,” said U.N. Security Council president Eugène-Richard Gasana, noting that the treaty was reached after lengthy negotiations, which brought together each of the more than 300,000,000 independent factions. “We are pleased to finally come to an agreement that will hopefully stabilize the entire region and adequately satisfy the demands of all parties.” “We are confident that with every man, woman, and child possessing his or her own autonomous area of sovereignty to run as he or she sees fit, we will avoid many of the conflicts that have plagued this part of the world for centuries and left countless dead,” Gasana added. “This is a bright new future for the Middle East.” According to U.N. officials, the newly demarcated Middle East now consists of 8,000,000 independent Jewish states, 4,000,000 independent Palestinian states, 112,000,000 Shi’ite Islamic republics, 156,000,000 Sunni Islamic republics, and 19,000,000 Kurdish nations, as well as approximately 18,000,000 territories that include various Christian, Bahá'í, Druze, Zoroastrian, and secular countries. According to reports, the treaty has largely been met with support from locals, with many praising the division of the region into nearly a third of a billion sovereign states as a practical and desperately needed solution after decades of ceaseless sectarian fighting. “Frankly, giving every Middle Eastern citizen a country of his or her own is long overdue,” 49-year-old Naseer Khalidi told reporters from his newly formed 400-square-foot independent state along the former West Bank, which is adjacent to nations populated by his wife and two children. “After such a long history of violence and discord, we now have a region that is fairly and evenly divided among all religious factions, ethnic groups, and individual inhabitants. Finally, we can all live without oppression.” The resolution, however, has not been without various complications, with the U.N. now struggling to accommodate its 317,000,183 member states, and the global economy still reportedly has yet to incorporate each of the 317,000,000 entirely new forms of currency. Reports also confirmed that several hundred of the new states in what was formerly northeast Saudi Arabia contain highly valuable oil reserves within their borders, with top officials in those nations having already received a number of diplomatic visits from the U.S. and Western Europe, sparking tensions with their tens of thousands of neighboring countries. “While this idea may work in theory, this is simply another shortsighted plan that will only further strain tensions in the region,” said 54-year-old former Syrian resident Ilyas al-Masry, adding that there have already been some hints of unrest between each of the 246 sovereign states within a 5,000-foot radius of his country. “How can we have stability and peace when more than 300,000,000 nations are inhabiting lands they have absolutely no right to occupy?” “As long as everyone respects my borders, there will be no issues,” al-Masry added. “But I am prepared to use force if there are any attempts to destabilize or infringe upon my nation.” At press time, reports confirmed the outbreak of more than 90,000,000 new wars across the region, with sources estimating the current death toll at approximately 700,000. http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-in-middle-east-given-own-country-in-31700,36484/ JKane 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Bad riddles (redundant ) Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, 'Daddy, I want a new apartment.' What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? 'Dam'. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an 'A' bra. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ....and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. lookin 1 Quote
Members lookin Posted July 20, 2014 Members Posted July 20, 2014 That's a boffo bunch of badriddles! Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Missed this one! http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/image/20606518140 JKane 1 Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Truly tasteless jokes... http://www.yotta.com/rechumor/mommy.txt Quote
AdamSmith Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Whom could I be talking to with this one...? Quote
