Odd BF behavior

[Guest pete1969]

(Double posted on here and Ting Tong as each board has unique readers)

 

In my week being back in Thailand, the biggest impact on me has been the unexpected and different behavior of my BF. My last stay in Thailand, we lived together for over three months in great bliss and harmony. I have never lived so well with anyone. During my time away, nothing in my daily phone conversations with the BF have made me think there were any changes to him.

 

However, our time together so far has seemed to require a major adjustment for him. I feel like an intrusion into his life, and I can't help but feel some resentment and sulleness there that I never saw in him before. On several occassions he has left me alone in his home for long periods while he was with friends, even at one point the other night doing so over my insistence that I was bored and not ready for sleep and would prefer for him to take me somewhere. His home is in a rural location with no Internet, no English TV channels, and no access to public transportation or markets or dining.

 

He has been mostly unresponsive sexually although he still firmly wraps himself around me when we sleep even when I would prefer for him to disengage. We have offed boys on a couple of occassions, but he has no interest in sex between just the two of us although before we had a very active and wonderful sex life.

 

He is busy with his family restaurant, his Univesity, and his many friends. He does seem less and less inclined to attend to details of our joint business ventures though. In his adult life he has never had an extended period where he was not having to attend to the care of a farang BF or else customers as a go-go boy, so this has been his first tatse of unencumbered freedom from those obligations, and I am sure in some ways he must resent my intrusion into his life now.

 

However, I was always under the very firm impression that we were building a life together and that he would be very happy to have me back in his life. In short, I never in any way felt like an obligation or a customer to this BF but an equal partner in his life and in a life we were making together. Imagine my frustration in feeling suddenly like an unwanted obligation.

 

He does strongly profess to me that he still wants a life together and a future with me. He has also taken some responsibility for his "wrong behavior" (his words), but in the headstrong and stubborn ways of many Thais, he seems slow to change it.

 

There are many glimpses of the man with whom I feel in love and who I thought was a life partner. I also am a long reader and contributor to these boards, so I realize that Thai-Western relationships often face these sorts of crisises. However, I thought myself experienced enough and wise wnough to know the real deal when I found it. I know the Thai boys all of us fall in love with are always different than all the others, but this one was very different than any other Thai boy I met.

 

Part of me wonders if some of his behavior also stems from me so thoroughly setting him up with his own life independent from me: an MBA program, a good family business, financial independence through a joint business venture (although he has ran into some major complications there), and a long period of life with no financial worries and no Western BF to whom to answer to on a daily basis.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I am hopeful others might have some wisdom to impart from their own experiences. I also hope that my experience might also be of help to others as they manage a long-distance relationship and setting up a life with a Thai BF. The BF does seem to be adjusting more and more each day, but part of me greatly resents that there had to be such a major readjustment.

 

Pete

[Guest A Rose By Any Other Name]

Dear Pete:

 

This is indeed a slippery slope. Tread cautiously as you make your way through this emotionally stressful time. In my experience, you must take your lead from the ACTIONS of your Thai partner. I have seen several changes over the years in my relationship with my Thai partner -- but this is par for the course in ANY relationship. What is important is that both of you understand the other one's needs and that BOTH of you change accordingly to meet those needs. This could mean some growing pains on your end -- but absolutely should mean that your boyfriend hears you and also adjusts accordingly. If he doesn't and it is all just lip-service, I suggest getting out before it goes sour. You've got money invested, a long term emotional and physical investment and the dream of what it should be. Don't however, let that dream cloud the actual reality. Sometimes we want something so bad -- we can't see that it just isn't going to work.

 

I hope this is not the case with you and yours, but you should make him discuss it with you and be part of the "action plan" to change what needs to be changed. He cannot just tend to his own needs, but you must also realize that your relationship is growing beyond a boy being subservient to you -- into a mutually respected (even if not mutually financial equal) understanding. Like I said, it can work. It has for me. But, it takes a lot of work on both ends and a lot of understanding and forgiveness.

 

I hope this helps a little. Best of luck to you and yours!

 

(TR) The Rose

[Guest]

When the Farang goes home, life goes on. He works, lives, prays and strays. We often like to think that they are as consumed by us as we are with them. It is just not this way. When we leave, they return to "normal" life. They get back into a routine and when we drop by, that routine is messed up. I don't think that is an insult to you it is just the way it happens. Life goes on. It must to keep some sense of peace and harmony.

 

It sounds like you have a great guy as you did profess your love for him. With any relationship, with time, things change and the sex often dwindles and the mushy comments go away. That does not change the fact that he may love you still. But, it is often the natural patter of progression. It seems you have made some major life altering differences in his life. Those changes are new to him and help him become more independent and confident. Thus, you have created a new person. Now, you have to find a way to incorporate this new person into your life in a way that both can be happy and all needs are met.

 

It is still possible and there is still hope. It will just take more work now.

[Bob]

Ain't life grand? Somewhat sounds like a lot of marriages out there. The guy, entering the relatiionship, figures it's 90% sex, he gets his laundry done and meals cooked, and he can still do 98% of his usual play pattern as he did before. The gal thinks it's 90% romance. Then these fond dreams are interrupted by reality.

 

Seriously, I'm reluctant to offer any advice, mainly because it's presumptuous of me doing so and because I don't have a clue as to what either party truly thinks or wants. Your boyfriend's behavior, though, does seems to telling you a lot and it appears to me you're not listening much. Maybe I'm a hard ass but I believe what behavior tells me long before I believe verbal assertions to the contrary.

 

I've been in a relationship with a Thai guy (he's 29) for over six years and I've experienced some of the same frustrations you're talking about. When together, we're generally fine but we do have our testy moments (egads....I think we're almost human). But, when apart, I've grown to understand that he has his life and I have mine. It used to irritate me that I was left out of his life but, to be fair, I've left him out of my life - he really doesn't know squat about my life and he really has no background or experience to understand my life or me most of the time. Hard to blame him for that.

Ultimately, I've convinced myself that relationships which are long-distance most of the time simply cannot be the type of relationship that people dream about or want. I think they ultimately can work when the parties are together most of the time and that's what I am hoping will occur when we start doing that in a year or so; yet, I'm not so silly as to not to understand that our permanently living together might well be the beginning of the end. I just don't worry about that now (i.e., I try not to "tink too much") and just take it day by day. Enjoy what good times you have.

 

We (me included) sometimes play the "papa" role. We're furnishing the funds for various endeavors (for me, it's mainly university education - which seemingly will never ends as it's heading into it's 5th and 6th years!) and sometimes we think we, like our fathers, have the right to know everything he's doing. I got over that silly notion years ago. And sometimes we think our maturity (to the extent that assertion is real) seems to convince us we know better about damn near everything. I've gotten over that silly notion too.

 

In any event, wish you well in sorting out reality, his dreams, your dreams, and the price of tea in China.

 

[Guest buaseng]

Part of me wonders if some of his behavior also stems from me so thoroughly setting him up with his own life independent from me: an MBA program, a good family business, financial independence through a joint business venture (although he has ran into some major complications there), and a long period of life with no financial worries and no Western BF to whom to answer to on a daily basis.

That could very well be the root of the problem. Perhaps he has realised (or thinks) that there is not much more to gain in that respect? At least he seems to be letting you down reasonably gently rather than dumping your clothes out the front door !!

 

Besides the old adage that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' does not always apply.

[Guest LP]

delete

[Guest pete1969]

Thanks for all the great comments. I think many of you have hit the nail on the head as I expected the same behaviors as last time (mostly), but have a very different person on my hands with two businesses to run, a University to attend, and many new friends. Plus, there are some major business-related stresses. There is hope, and today was much better.

 

I don't know that either of us had the right expectations for what this new period meant, so maybe after an adjustment things will be better. It is just tricky going from one set of life circumstances together to an entirely new set and figuring one another out under new circumstances.

 

Pete

 

 

[Guest mauRICE]

There may well be a physiological reason for his indifferent behaviour. I have recently returned from a week's visit to Chiang Mai where I noticed a marked increase in yaa baa abuse among young Thais, particularly those with sugar daddies. The young man in question does have plenty of money to burn...

[Guest Aunty]

He's moving on in life, having new experiences, learning new things about himself and those around him, developing new understandings and appreciations of his world. You're not. That is in no way a criticism of you, it's just a description of the reality. You will need to adjust your relationship as he develops and grows. Of course going to University is going to change him. It inevitably does, leading to new ways of seeing the world, new ideas and to new understandings, and new wants. Maybe even, that he doesn’t want that (the MBA). The old ways are left behind and sadly for you, you are not there to share any of it when and as it happens.

 

The best thing you can do is to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him how you feel and what you are experiencing. Tell him that the ease and familiarity of your previous time together has gone, and that you feel like you are now a burden or obligation to him. Ask him to explain why it is that you feel this way, and ask him what has changed for him. Clearly something is going on (it sounds like he resents you on some level). And if he says nothing, everything is same same, tell him that that is not the case because your feelings tell you otherwise.