School chum coming out late in life

[TownsendPLocke]

Had a school chum email me today with the disclosure that he is gay and is tired of living a lie.Unfortunately there is a wife and kids involved.

There has been a path of such disclosures from him over the past year evolving from "mostly straight with occasional fantasies about guys"to "bi-but mostly straight" and now this.

I have been out since I was 16 but I have many aquaintences who have not come out till much later in life such as the above friend(who is 50)and I just wanna shout "you have missed the best bits!"but I know that would be cruel and useless given the situation-so I hold my tongue.

So-any resources I can point this fella towards?

TIA for your advice.

__________________

[Guest zipperzone]

Perhaps he has only "missed the best bits" in your opinion. I would tell him that he probably has another 30+ years to live and the best is still to come. The peace he will find by living the truth will far outweigh the angst he must have been suffering from for years.

There is every reason to expect that he can meet a life partner who shares his values, loves him for who he is and is also looking for the same things - peace, comfort, freedom from guilt and someone to share his life with.

He must be made to see that the glass is half full - not half empty. I wish him every good wish for success and hope that his children are mature enough to understand why their father has made this choice. You sound like you will be a good friend to him - he needs that right now. Not somewhat to point out what could have been but to show him the way to what could be from this point on.

[lookin]

Well said, Zipperzone.

[Guest BeachBoy]

Had a school chum email me today with the disclosure that he is gay and is tired of living a lie.Unfortunately there is a wife and kids involved.

There has been a path of such disclosures from him over the past year evolving from "mostly straight with occasional fantasies about guys"to "bi-but mostly straight" and now this.

I have been out since I was 16 but I have many aquaintences who have not come out till much later in life such as the above friend(who is 50)and I just wanna shout "you have missed the best bits!"but I know that would be cruel and useless given the situation-so I hold my tongue.

So-any resources I can point this fella towards?

TIA for your advice.

__________________

I'm sorry I can't think of any direct resources.

And here's to your friend's own "best bits"!!

[Guest CharliePS]

My experience with friends who have come out under similar circumstances is that they often believe that no longer "living a lie" will solve all their problems, and their future will be as full of exciting promise as they hoped for when they were 20. Unfortunately, after the initial euphoria ("Gay Pride! Gay Pride!"), there is often a big letdown when they discover that they may have simply exchanged one set of problems for a different set. Don't prick his bubble yet, but don't be overly enthusiastic either, and be ready to console him when he discovers that those hunky studs, not to mention his ideal male companion, haven't just been waiting around for him to come out. If the wife is supportive, the guy may also be so absorbed in his own transformation that it will come as a shock when he discovers that she has moved on, too, and he can't simply retreat to their old life if he is disappointed or hurt in his new one. I would recommend finding a therapy group of men in a similar situation.