Lucky in Nursing Home

[Lucky]

Yes, the time has come for me to go to the nursing home. Having become forgetful as time went on, I finally remembered that that is where my mom is.

I am sitting here is a Priceline bought hotel in Michigan, where I am visiting my almost 93 year old mom in a nursing home. She was quite happy to see me, and proud for all the other ladies to take notice of her visitor. That's the easy part. The tough part is spending several hours a day with a person that doesn't have a real grasp of reality. On a previous visit with her, she slept a lot, but not now. Now she talks, endlessly, and about things I have no idea of. I don't what time frame of her life she is in in the particular moment, so answering the questions often provokes wonderment on her part as to how I could have possibly given that answer. Further, she has no idea where she is and wonders why there are other people in her room. But the officer is coming and he will straighten it out...of course, there is no officer.

At times she does make sense. A lifetime devout Catholic, she now refers to some doubt, and acknowledges the doubt that her children developed. Her solution to that is the wonderment that it was her faith that brought her her family, which is now her greatest possession and comfort. Can't argue with that.

So I feed her, entertain the other ladies, many of whom are sullen and quiet. The staff, thankfully, seems to have high morale and a world of patience. But mine finally wore out as I snuck out to see a movie. I had to get away! But today, back again, then to say goodbye and head back to my own home.

I know that so many of you have already gone through this experience, so you know what it is like. A mix of pleasure and pain, for sure.

(Yes, I adapted this from the Yankee thread that not many were reading!)

[Guest CharliePS]

As you know, I've been there, done that. The experience with my partner's mother was very similar, with my own mother somewhat different. Most of the time she knew exactly where she was and why, which made it harder. Of course she got some funny ideas while sitting there with nothing to do but think, like the notion that if she made it to her 100th birthday, she would be allowed to die. She was quite upset when nothing changed then.

I am amazed at the mindset that enables nursing home staff to be cheery amid the gloom--of course, it's not THEIR mothers they're dealing with.

[TotallyOz]

Thank you for sharing this story. I know that as many of us get older each year that we will experience this in our own lives. It is not something I am looking forward to to be honest.

My mom died of cancer and it was quick. 6 months from time of diagnosis to death. It was the hardest 6 months of my life and I was with her the entire time and would not take that time back for anything and I'd give anything for just one more day with her.

I have no doubt that both you and your mother will remember your time with her with great affection and fondness. Plus, she now has more stories to tell others about her son's visit.

[Guest zipperzone]

I have had the occasion of late to visit my partner's older sister who has been in such an establishment for seven weeks now. I find it extremely depressing to see all the patients who just sit there in their wheelchairs, staring into space, waiting for God only knows what.

I do not want to end up this way. To me it is no quality of life at all and I would sooner be dead. I hope I have the mental capacity to realize where my life is heading in time to allow me to end it. I have always believed in assisted suicide. It's my life, my body and i should have the right to choose how and when to make the final exit. And think of the millions of dollars it would save the health system.

[Guest FourAces]

My heart goes out to you Lucky. I know how very difficult your situation with your Mother is.

[BiBottomBoy]

Hugs.

[Lucky]

Thanks for the replies; I am back home, but mom is still there. She slept through most of our last hours together. I find nursing homes immensely depressing, yet the staff keeps good morale and a clean facility. Speaking with my mom's doc, I could not have asked for more. So we do the best we can, yet I sure hope somehow I am spared the indignity of living too long....however long that is! We mourn our friends who die too soon, so really, I do not know the answer any more than anyone else.

[JKane]

I really feel for those going through this with their parents, it was pretty hard going through it with my great grandmother (whom I was very close to). She was always very good natured, and may have had the staff believing everything was great, but for the last 5 or so years she had no idea who was visiting her, her relation to them, nor any memory of conversations or entire visits hours later.

I was thinking the other day, given that we're more likely not to have families, ending up like that alone one day really concerns me.

How are others dealing with that? I was thinking some kind of DNR in my 60s or 70s, but that only handles one small contingency. Retiring to a country without the puritanical forced-life, so that one would always have options seems a good idea, but how many places are like that?