monogamy... or something like it

[Guest NYTomcat]

A very long time ago. Still carrying the name newbie around my neck I got into my first online battle with a pig headed know it all poster who decided my views on the subject were antiquated. Yes I was taking the old romantics view of the world and saying I longed for the man who would fulfill my every desire in life so I would never want or need anyone else and neither would he.

The crumudeon and I finally called a halt as neither was able to get the other to bend. So here I am to eat crow. Yes lucky I now agree with you. I have found you can be in love and have an open arrangement. But here comes the question I still ponder. Is it better to know of your significant others playmates and share those experiences if not directly then through discussions of them. Or is it better not to know. Im conflicted on this one and would like others input. I've lived 18 years of mostly monogamous relationship. And this new dating world still leaves me wondering. I dont have That Guy yet but I think about this stuff alot more since coming out.

Go ahead lucky preen.... you were Right. At least this Once lol.

[Guest Matrix]

I have found you can be in love and have an open arrangement. But here comes the question I still ponder. Is it better to know of your significant others playmates and share those experiences if not directly then through discussions of them. Or is it better not to know.

Wow! That was fast! Just a few weeks ago you stated you only wanted to play the field and stretch your new found wings.

There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. That's probably elementary to you, but often times, particularly in the gay community - it gets blurred.

No one can really answer your question for you as it is of such a personal nature between two individuals and the relationship you have between yourselves.

You'll need to find the core of your relationship and build from there. In my experience that core is everything and for me it is called trust. Everything and anything that's good branches from that and that alone. So I'd focus on developing whatever your core is and going from there. And in doing so - anything is possible.

Also, never allow someone else' s reality or lack there of, define your own possibilities. Sometimes you'll find that those that are the most vocal at giving other people advice all the time are some of the most miserable creatures around.

present company excluded of course, as I'm speaking in generalities here.

[Lucky]

Matrix is right. Only you can answer that question for yourself. I don't remember our disagreement, but I have found that most gay men in long term relationships distinguish between monogamy and fidelity. Quibble if you will, but if your heart belongs to only one, does it matter that your dick gets some attention on the side? As to what the partner needs to know, honesty is the best policy to prevent jealousy.

So, we have monogamy, fidelity, honesty, and when they work together, jealousy cannot find a home.

[Guest CharliePS]

The answer, as usual, is: it depends. On this question, it depends on each partner's psychology. Some men need to know everything about their partner's other sexual activity, some don't want to know anything about it, and then there are all the gradations in between ("I want to know who you did it with, but not what you did;" "I want to know what you did, but not with whom;" "I only want to know if you did anything;" etc., etc.). And then there is always the problem that someone will say he wants to know something, but he really doesn't. It usually takes sensitivity and experimentation to devise a workable system for non-monogamy.

[Guest NYTomcat]

Matrix is right. Only you can answer that question for yourself. I don't remember our disagreement, but I have found that most gay men in long term relationships distinguish between monogamy and fidelity. Quibble if you will, but if your heart belongs to only one, does it matter that your dick gets some attention on the side? As to what the partner needs to know, honesty is the best policy to prevent jealousy.

So, we have monogamy, fidelity, honesty, and when they work together, jealousy cannot find a home.

Well you see thats where the fight started. I never defined the roles my friends in my life would play but I kept a Very puritanical view of romance. Sex was one thing romance somehow required monogamy.

So you see matrix I am just spreading my wings. But as you start back out in the world of meeting people I have already run across those guys who like me before are looking for some sort of monogamous commitment. Its better to know up front if That will never or probably never be you. I Dont begin to think that anyone can define my relationship for me. But I've Also learned it is stupidity when building a car to start by reinventing the wheel. Thats not to say we can't ignore the wheel or hell built a hovercraft with No wheels if you like. But when others have gone Before you ... their experience is usually well worth knowing.

Now my sway right now is to say I would want to know and share not personally but emotionally the experience. I think lucky your right long run that jealousy would be worse when you feel your in the dark about it. But I recently had a long conversation with someone in such a relationship who argued it was best to know it goes on. But not the specifics. That isn't my opinion but as matrix noticed I am just spreading my wings.

[Guest NYTomcat]

The answer, as usual, is: it depends. On this question, it depends on each partner's psychology. Some men need to know everything about their partner's other sexual activity, some don't want to know anything about it, and then there are all the gradations in between ("I want to know who you did it with, but not what you did;" "I want to know what you did, but not with whom;" "I only want to know if you did anything;" etc., etc.). And then there is always the problem that someone will say he wants to know something, but he really doesn't. It usually takes sensitivity and experimentation to devise a workable system for non-monogamy

I guess the answer truly is I wont know until I'm there. Sounds great but im not known for patience. Then again I hadn't gotten to the level of variation Charlie That you just put out. I know this all takes time but I have time To ponder now so I guess the questions arise in the abstract.

Possibly more because I am leaving behind a good partnership that I will miss in many ways. So I wonder often Just what I have left it for. Its taken me a long time to know I had to leave. Not being me was slowly poisoning it. But what lies ahead is exciting and yes terrifying.

[Guest Matrix]

Its better to know up front if That will never or probably never be you.

Perhaps. Perhaps not. If you're looking for assurances that your relationship is going to be this way or be that way before it's even had a chance to become a relationship, then you're probably either going to have a really lonely existence, or an un-expected sucker punch somewhere down the road at a later time I think. Gay men do not make vows at the beginning of relationships.

People change what they want all the time. And especially often, once they get what they want. It isn't with malice or intent that humans change what they want, it's simply our nature.

I think you're trying to avoid potential pain down the road and as much as anyone who has ever had their heart broken can feel for you they can also probably attest to the fact that - you can't. And you know this.

Don't you have enough drama in your life right now to be taking on all this stuff so suddenly?

Sometimes it's better to just have a friend than it is to fuck a potential friend only to lose him over the fact.

[Guest NYTomcat]

Perhaps. Perhaps not. If you're looking for assurances that your relationship is going to be this way or be that way before it's even had a chance to become a relationship, then you're probably either going to have a really lonely existence, or an un-expected sucker punch somewhere down the road at a later time I think. Gay men do not make vows at the beginning of relationships.

People change what they want all the time. And especially often, once they get what they want. It isn't with malice or intent that humans change what they want, it's simply our nature.

I think you're trying to avoid potential pain down the road and as much as anyone who has ever had their heart broken can feel for you they can also probably attest to the fact that - you can't. And you know this.

Don't you have enough drama in your life right now to be taking on all this stuff so suddenly?

Sometimes it's better to just have a friend than it is to fuck a potential friend only to lose him over the fact.

Matrix you read far to much into my statements. Not to mention I think over generalizations like gay men do not make vows... are just that. Just as humans change their minds without malice. I very much agree with This ... I also think Some gay men do alot of looking for vows to decide who they will open up to. Im not saying thats wise or even me but they are out there.

No im not trying to avoid being hurt. That is an inevitability if you open yourself up to others. Whether by others or by the natural death of loved ones. I have no doubt that my few core group of friends will be very important to me. They have been in the past and will be in the future. Some I can have fun sexually with. Some I cannot. Some I would not. Just a nature of the friendship. That however is not my question. As o go forward I am just discovering the idea of a romantic interest with whom monogamy is not a requirement. Do I have experience here not much. This is why I asked about it. Not my fear of being hurt. Or my lack or plethora of meaningful friendships . Nor am I looking for assurances. Just trying to see options that I had not really considered before.

That said I do appreciate the warnings and I agree with most of what was said. Just not its application to my situation.

[Guest Matrix]

Not to mention I think over generalizations like gay men do not make vows...

For the record, I said: "Gay men do not make vows at the beginning of relationships."

Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll be fine.

[Guest NYTomcat]

For the record, I said: "Gay men do not make vows at the beginning of relationships."

Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll be fine.

Thanks matrix and I do appreciate the advice.