Escorts and Clients Click to Problems During the Act

[TotallyOz]

This is first draft. Any advice is appreciated!

From Awkward To Awesome – How To Make Sure You Still Get A Smooth Ride Even If You Have To Dodge Some Potholes!

Hello, all my homo homies, cockalicious queers and tasty twinks. Welcome back to the Male Escort Review guide to every bit of fagtabulous advice you could ever need – whether you are an escort or a client, we are here to help make sure you always have a jizztastically juice time!

We take our advice from our years of experience dealing with escorts and talking to their clients. We know what you want, when you want it and are here to make sure you can cum and get it.

We'd all love for sex to be as perfectly powerful as in our favorite porn movies, but in real life mistakes happen. Being with an escort can be an energetically erotic experience, but it can also go wrong. And, when you are dealing with a true professional, the mistakes are often neither person's fault.

That doesn't make you a bad homo – it just makes you a horny human! But the truth is that even the smallest problem can throw an entire sexperience off track; yet it's usually easy to smooth things over, if you know what you are doing and can man up and deal with it.

In that vein, we are about to offer you advice on what to do to make sure a stray awkward moment doesn't devastate your date so you can both cum away happy!

You Smelt It, You Dealt It

Imagine this, my pretty Friends of Dorothy – you are down there on your hands and knees with a perfectly proportioned penis pointed at your pout. Then, while you are getting down (pun intended!) to business, he suddenly lets rip a fart of mustard gas proportions.

What's a boy to do? After all, neither Miss Manners nor the late great Bea Arthur ever addressed this important issue!

Your response is different depending on whether you are the escort or the client. If you are the escort and you've laid out a fart while the guy was blowing you, you have to apologize immediately. Then, maneuver him away from your offending orifice and make out with him for a while until the stench is gone.

If on the other hand you have been going down on your client and he let it rip, you have to simply pretend it didn't happen. After all, he's going to be somewhat embarrassed and you don't want to blow the deal by making him feel worse. A good way to do this is to stop blowing him and use your hands for a minute or two until the smell has dissipated.

Sorry, But You Are Not My Type

Sex is about chemistry just as much as it is about looks, biology or ability. There is always a chance that shit just isn't going to work out. You can find a great escort who looks just like his pictures and has awesome reviews – and still just not “feel it” when he shows up at the door.

This has nothing to do with how attractive he is in general – you just may realize that he doesn't quite “do it” for you in real life. But, he has made the time and effort to show up – and escorts do have busy schedules. So how do you handle this situation?

The best way is to be upfront as soon as you realize it just isn't going to happen. It's one thing to tell a guy that it's not going to work out two minutes after he arrives. It's just plain wrong to do so after he's been trying to turn you on for a half an hour.

Assuming you tell him right away that you don't want to go through with it, the escort should be wiling to accept a partial amount of the payment he would have gotten if you had exchanged sexual favors.

We suggest that in this case, offering 50 percent of the fee is reasonable – after all, it's not his fault you didn't feel the rocket in your pocket!

Gone Limp

As well all know a cock in great working order is absolutely spectacular. But, we also know that cock is generally less reliable than a press statement from Dick Cheney. No matter how horny you are, no matter how much you want to have a sexsessful sexperience, sometimes your dick isn't going to be up to the job.

In most cases this is not anyone’s fault. Even the most determined dick will sometimes decide it's time to take a break instead of spewing its icing on their cake.

But, if it happens during an escort experience, it can be a big “let down” for both parties.

If you are an escort, it's a good idea to always keep some Viagra on hand just in case you have issues with your horny hydraulics. Take it as soon as you notice a problem because it can take a while to take effect.

Then, while you are waiting for it to come back to life, do anything you can think of to pleasure your client. Offer to rim him, shove fingers in his ass, or suck his dick. Just keep him distracted until your wood returns. If he comments on it, tell him in very clear terms that it's not his fault – because he may feel unattractive. But, don’t offer excuses - just say that it happens to the best of us!

If you are the client and suddenly find that you can't get it up, you are in a somewhat easier position. After all, the escort is paid for his time and doesn't have as much at stake in the adventure as you do.

If this happens to you, don't blame the escort. Don't ask for a refund. Just relax and let him try to pleasure you in other ways. You may find that once you stop worrying about it, your dick may cum back to life.

And, if it doesn't you'll still have spent some hot naked time with a dude pleasing you as much as your body will allow.

Wham, Bam, Thank You Sam!

As an escort, you are a professional and know how to control yourself. After all, that's why you are the man for the job! You are there to satisfy all their cockaholic cravings! And, for the most part you know how to fuck like a champion dickasaurus!

But, every so often you may run into a client who is so hot that as soon as you get your dick in his derriere, you can't help yourself and you'll shoot within seconds. Your client, who rightly expected a good hard fucking, may be disappointed.

This is when you have to take charge of the situation. Tell him that almost never happens to you and it was simply because he was so hot. Stroke his ego and his cock and offer him a massage. Explain to him that you aren't going anywhere until you've recovered and are ready to ride him like the bitch the boy needs to be!

If you are the client and the one who was topping the escort and you've cum too quickly, don't worry about it. Just enjoy the fact that you had a horny hump time – the escort will be proud he got you off so quickly and won't judge you for jumping the jizz gun.

Mr. Brown Back In Town

Assholes are like opinions - everyone's got them, and some of them stink. The thing is we all love a man's ass, but most of us don't want to think about what it's doing when it's not getting fucked. There are some functions that should remain between a man and his porcelain god.

Which is why you need to scrub the back door and keep it pink and clean. But, every so often you'll run into a dude who hasn't wiped the pipe quite enough. You'll be hard and horny for his hungry hole, but when you look down to get into position you'll notice that there is enough brown to make you frown.

That can be a huge boner killer – but it doesn't have to end the sexperience. Whether you are the client or the escort there is one easy solution – suggest that you take a shower together. Then, during the shower make sure that his ass is cleaned with class.

If it is the escort who is the dirty dude and he won't get in the shower with you, you have every right to demand a refund. After all, being in fuckable form is part of his job. If it is the client and he's the one who is unwilling to shower, you should explain the problem and be willing to leave or offer other services until he's ready to flush the filth.

Dude, That's My Wife!

All of us cockalcious carnivores know that not every escort date starts and stops in the hotel room. Many guys like to take us out to dinner or lunch or show us off in other ways.

We also know that many of these men are married, closeted or have girlfriends. Whenever you are out on a date, there is always a slight chance that he may run into someone he really doesn't want to know that he sees escorts.

That's why before any escort outing, both the escort and the client need to create a reasonable cover story that both of them can agree on in case someone shows up to say “hi.”

If you don't have a cover story in place, things can get very awkward and a small slip of the tongue may ruin any fun. Remember, an escort can be anything you want – an out of town client, an old school mate, or a friend of a friend.

It's all good as long as the story is understood!

High As A Kite

If the Bible was written by erotic escorts and then men who worship them, Moses would have brought 10 very different commandments down from the mountain. The first one would read:

• Do not mix drugs, alcohol and escorts.

It doesn't matter if you are the client or the escort – being fucked up for a date is pretty fucked up. It's disrespectful and can be dangerous. No escort wants to deal with a client who is so drunk or high that his dick doesn't work. Beyond that, a client who is high as a kite can be dangerous. If he shows up at your door and you've done three grams of Tina and half a bottle of Jack Daniel's, he has every right to ask for his money and leave.

Even worse is when the escort shows up with his head blasted into the stratosphere. It's beyond unprofessional and can make a client feel very uncomfortable. This is the one situation where the Male Escort Review recommends that you simply ask the escort to leave and don't even pay him a kill fee. Tell him why in no uncertain terms.

It's not your job to pay for his next fix; it's his job to fellate, fuck and finger you.

Racism And Other Bullshit

Some clients think that because they are paying for the escort’s time, they have the right to say or do anything they feel like. They are wrong.

Just because you are hiring a stunt cock for the evening doesn't give you the right to be an asshole – and doesn't mean that the escort has to take it. If you talk about offensive shit, make racist remarks or start demeaning people, the escort should politely ask you to stop.

If you continue, the escort should ask for his payment and then leave as soon as possible. If you are in doubt as to whether something you say might be considered offensive, our advice is to keep your mouth shut until it is full of nice, warm cock.

No More Mr. Awkward!

There you go my kinky twinks, burly bears and horny honchos! The most common awkward moments and mistakes that happen during the sexcort sexperience - and how to handle them so they don't ruin your play date.

Best of all, you didn't have to write Dear Abby!

So go out and get 'em, boys - and after you've had them, please come back to the Male Escort Review and let us know how your sexperience went!

We want you to keep cumming back for more!

cc 2009 MaleEscortReview.com

[TownsendPLocke]

Totall Oz,

Thanks for adressing some of the biggest"taboo"subjects clients and working fellas will run into at some time in their lives.

My only reccomendation-you need to have all of these missives in one spot.I think you have written about 10 or so-but the older ones are hidden in the archives somewhere.

[BiBottomBoy]

I'm curious as to which subjects here you think are taboo....

Totall Oz,

Thanks for adressing some of the biggest"taboo"subjects clients and working fellas will run into at some time in their lives.

My only reccomendation-you need to have all of these missives in one spot.I think you have written about 10 or so-but the older ones are hidden in the archives somewhere.

[MsGuy]

I'm curious as to which subjects here you think are taboo....

Who but Oz would give us four paragraphs of very practical guidance on the art of dealing with an awkwardly timed fart?

I second Mr. Locke's suggestion. Oz's pieces warrant gathering into a pinned thread, at least until he has the book and movie rights negotiated.

[AdamSmith]

at least until he has the book and movie rights negotiated.

LOL

...Just having (finally) seen Oliver Stone's Bush mockumentary "W", it occurs that Stone would be the ideal director for a mainstream homage to the male escort industry:

"BN"!

(By rights I ought to have posted this piece of inside-baseball meanness on the Other Site. Forgive me, Father...)