Gay domestic violence---pretty common I guess.

[TownsendPLocke]

Heard today from a friend in the biz.Turns out his hunky Bf has been whalin on him for a few weeks-landed up in jail this past weekend.

I have lost count of how many otherwise normal,sane,strong men in my life have told me the same tale.

Now while I pay extra for abuse and humiliation I do not stand for it in my personal life and have cut many friends beacause of this.

How about you-what do advise friends who come to you with this problem?

[TotallyOz]

In NYC, they have a group that deals with this and I took a friend once there. They were amazing with police liaison, lawyers to assist, etc. I am sure LA's Gay Community Center will have something similar.

[caeron]

Strange I've never come in contact with it. I completely believe that it's common, just never in my personal experience.

I personally wouldn't stand for it for a minute. The "I'm so sorry, you just made me mad, I love you baby." bullshit is just that.

[OneFinger]

I remember when a very good friend left his wife, got divorced, and beame involved in his first gay long-term relationship. His partner was very abusive (mostly mental but some physical).

My friend was "required" to call when he arrived at work, took lunch, and when he left to come home. He was not "allowed" to go anywhere without his partner (except for work). His partner always listened in to telephone conversations and previewed all communications (including e-mail).

The relationship also included bondage and being tied to the bed every night when they slept. He was beat and "disciplined" if he broke the rules. It was a very sick and damaging relationship. But what totally surprised me was that my friend allowed this to happen. He's a former FBI agent and had the physical training to prevent the abuse. But, the mental manipulation and need for acceptance was his downfall.

I helped him escape from that environment. Now, 20 years later, my friend is in a very loving and healthy gay relationship. But he still has "baggage" from the abusive relationship.

[BiBottomBoy]

When I was a crime journalist I discovered that gay domestic violence was so common - and so commonly ended in death that the cops had their own term for it - homo-cide.

I found that really offensive until they showed me the stats. I can't remember the exact numbers now, but it was awful.

[Guest StuCotts]

There's plenty of domestic abuse, and it takes many forms. There was a couple I recognized from seeing them at gay parties. At some point in the evening they'd go to a less crowded room and one would slap the other one around. Nobody intervened. I asked why not, and was told their situation was as it was because they both wanted it that way. No idea what eventually became of them, but it can't have been good.

I had a good friend and neighbor who took a lover much younger than himself whom he supported. They moved to where the lover was from In Europe. I kept in close touch with my friend. His health deteriorated. There was no obvious abuse, and they kept up appearances in public. But from what I can tell, the lover literally neglected him to death.

In my own case, my instinct has invariably been to spoil my men rotten. What I occasionally had to show for it was a rotten man. None ever tried to beat me up, but indulgence would be mistaken for weakness and there would be attempts to humiliate with language, name-calling, etc. The first one got a second chance, then I walked. From then on, I walked at the first attempt, without notice, without looking back, no matter how much I liked him. You do what you have to do to protect yourself before things get out of hand, which they will.

[BiBottomBoy]

I think I've avoided this by never staying with one guy too long.

[Guest Rian]

But what totally surprised me was that my friend allowed this to happen.

FFS thats the reason right there. You can only let someone get away with things as long as you let them. Im fortunent enough to have never been in an abusive relationship/friendship etc. I do have a friend recently who thought occasional 'rough housing' with me was harmless especially with a few drinks in him... but learned the hard way after I socked him in the face one day. But thats about as extreme as it gets and he never rough housed with me again (we're still friends) LOL. Otherwise, no reason to get involved in abusive relations and tit for tat doesnt usually help anything either. Time someone goes that route, it goes from friend to adversary.

[BiBottomBoy]

I suspect that a lot of the abusers are men who are conflicted about their homosexuality so they take it out on the person whose actions demonstrate that they are gay.