Making the approach

[Guest noy9000]

Okay. I got him now.

 

We went on a movie date yesterday, and I sent him back to his home (my friend's advise was to refrain from sex in the early dates, if I want it to be serious). So what should I do for the 2nd?

[Guest gonefishing]

That doesn't mean he is interested in an older "farang."

 

Having not bothered to visit the board for some time (and yes, I already know I haven't been missed) I still cannot understand why Noy9000, as a Chinese in his twenties, who speaks some Thai and lives in Bangkok, and is not an "older farang", is asking for advice from them as to how to meet fellow Asians (preferably ethnic Chinese) of his own age. If you are really that desperate, at your age, you have my genuine sympathy.

 

 

[Guest xiandarkthorne]

I still cannot understand why Noy9000, as a Chinese in his twenties, who speaks some Thai and lives in Bangkok, and is not an "older farang", is asking for advice from them as to how to meet fellow Asians (preferably ethnic Chinese) of his own age. If you are really that desperate, at your age, you have my genuine sympathy.

 

I sympathise with Noy, too, because I strongly suspect that the most probable reasons for our friend's predicament would be -

 

1. Fear of disclosure as a gay man. ('Discretion' is the usual euphemism used by Asians.)

To approach another 'fair' Chinese-type man with the obvious intentions would put Noy in a position where he would either have difficulty retaining his 'anonymity' or else run the risk of having his sexual inclinations revealed. The logic(?) and the reasoning behind it are both simple -

 

If I let him know I am interested in him, he will know I am gay.

 

---> If he isn't gay, what will he do? Will he tell everybody that I am gay?

 

---> If he does that, what is going to happen to me?

 

---> My family will throw me out of the house. My employer will throw me out of the office. My friends will shun me.

 

---> I shall never be able to face the world. I can't hold up my head or look people in the eye ever again.

 

---> Ergo, I shall be forced to throw myself off the top of the tallest building in Bangkok or do something worse to myself to atone for the shame I have brought to my family and myself.

 

It's not Noy's fault. He is as much the victim as he is the product of Chinese culture. I should know about that, yes?

 

2. Fear of rejection.

This is common to all men regardless of race, age, culture or sexual orientation. It requires an immense mental and emotional effort to overcome it...or a drastic life-changing experience will serve the same purpose. Let's be honest with ourselves, very few people can easily accept that the worst thing which could happen is that when the 'object of affection' (to put it kindly) say's "No" he or she isn't also saying "You are worthless and useless and unloveable" as well, much less one with an extremely challenged sense of self-esteem.

 

I suspect that those of us who can and do say "So he doesn't want to do the toot-toot tango with me - his loss!" when someone rejects our well-meant advances, have either a very well-developed sense of self-esteem (kindness forbids my using the obvious three-letter word) or else we have learned, from frequent experience, to deal with rejection as it deserves. I don't know about the rest of you, but I belong to the latter camp.

 

Anyway, it stands to reason that since we members of this board seem to obtain the objects of our evil desires so frequently and so easily, Noy should ask for our help here. After all, we must have some naughty secret of which he is innocent, no?

 

Xian

 

PS

Noy, I hope you won't take offence at what I have said here. I am not laughing at you because I truly understand what you are going through. Take it from me. It's never as bad as it seems. I came 'out' when I was 21 and I lost a few so-called 'friends' when I did but my family eventually came round. In addition, I have had to work doubly hard to establish both my professional competence as well as the fact that I don't soil my rice bowl by making any moves on my fellow employees at work. But the freedom from fear of discovery has been all worth it.

 

PPS

I know. I know. I am an insufferable you-know-what and I am pontificating again.