Dear Abby

[TotallyOz]

MOTHER LEARNS LATE IN LIFE TO ACCEPT GAY SON AS HE IS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I raised our two sons and two daughters. One

son and both daughters married well. Our other son, "Neil," is gay. He

and his partner, "Ron," have been together 15 years, but Neil's father

and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their

lifestyle.

When I was 74, my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly

penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and

two daughters if I could "visit" each of them for four months a year.

(I didn't want to burden any one family, and thought living out of a

suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three turned me down.

Feeling unwanted, I wanted to die.

When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to move

across country and live with them. They welcomed me into their home,

and even removed a wall between two rooms so I'd have a bedroom with a

private bath and sitting room -- although we spend most of our time

together.

They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with

them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I

only read about in books. They never mention the fact that they are

supporting me, or that I ignored them in the past.

When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them

I hope they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day.

Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they

are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. -- GRATEFUL MOM

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20070713

[Guest CTDick]

Well, that brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat.

Dick

[TownsendPLocke]

Unfortunately this is a very common scenerio.The Gay son is the one who gets stuck caring for the parent while the siblings in "real"relationships turn their back.I have at least four friends I can think of who are in this sitiuation.

Just another example of us trying to asuage our self guilt for being "evil"?Or as outsiders us our sense of empathy turned up a couple of notches and we find ourselves wanting to help when needed?

I have one friend who lived at home for 75 years taking care of his Momma.He led a very conscripted life only doing Gay stuff on holiday or on weekend trips into the city.When his Mother died his life crumbled.He is now living in a sanatorium and is pretty out of it.

I am dreding that inevitable day when I am forced to make a decision between being a good son and a life.

[TotallyOz]

I am dreding that inevitable day when I am forced to make a decision between being a good son and a life.

I really don't think that always has to be the choice. I do think both are possible. I know it was in my situation but I had a mother that was not only very accepting of me being gay but of me dating someone half my age. I do think she was exceptional and wonderful and I was happy and blessed that she was so accepting of my life. I can not count of both hands the number of boys that were thrown out of their house after they "came out" to mama. Sad but this still happens. Perhaps times are changing. Perhaps they are not changing at the rate we would like them to change.

My mom passed away a few years back and both me and my straight sister took care of her in the end. There were no arguments. No bitterness. We were both willing to quit our jobs and do whatever was needed to take care of her so we could be with her at the end. The end was hard and I ended up selling a business I loved to take care of her and I have never once regretted that. I did give up a lot of the gay life when she was ill but it was my choice and I did so because I wanted to be as close to her as long as I could.

I was a good son. But, as anyone in the family can tell you, I was the biggest pain in the ass in the family. The queer who moved to NYC and loved to smoke weed and go to bars and clubs. Not exactly the kind of kid most southern belle's wanted as a son. Luckily, mine did and she joined us in the bars on more than one occassion.

[marcanthony]

OZ: I remember that time in your life. And yes, it was impressive. You were a VERY good son!

[Guest Conway]

I have a friend who holds the position that, to be a truly empathetic person, you have to have known pain yourself in a significant way in your life. |The older I get, the more I tend to agree with him.

I think that many of us who have come out to families that are non-supportive or have even cut ties with us, have the ability to feel the kind of empathy that the son did for his mother when she had no where else to go.

He had felt her own rejection of his lifestyle and his sexuality in such a way that he was able to empathize with her and channel that into a positive relationship with her when she too was rejected by her other children.

The hero of that story is that wonderful son, who dropped his life for to care for a mother who had failed to embrace him for who and what he is for a 15 year period.

It's a great story

[lookin]

it's a great story

Yes it is.

And if anyone ever asks him if he's a good son, or if he's a kind person, he won't have to hesitate a minute before saying "Why yes, I guess I am." It will be nice for him to have that positive knowledge of who he is.

It seems that so many gifts can flow from acts of compassion and forgiveness.

[RA1]

Presently I am sitting 4 feet from my mother. I am the principal caretaker for her. She has never said any thing or asked me if I was gay but I do live alone. She cared for me all those years when I was a kid and now I will care for her. The very good thing about it is she does not try to tell me what to do or criticize me in any way. So, even though it is inconvenient sometimes, she never says any thing if I am running late or cannot do something on a certain day or time. I do have to travel quite a bit and she is left alone by me a lot. Fortunately we both have friends who can keep her company and do things for her as necessary. No one can have too many friends.

Just my story.

RA1

[AdamSmith]

if anyone ever asks him if he's a good son, or if he's a kind person, he won't have to hesitate a minute before saying "Why yes, I guess I am."

A few years ago I took a month off from work, life, and everything to care for my mother during an illness. What you say is so true. A related piece of it is that she now seems unbelievably more secure in the knowledge that I love her. For both of us, it brought subtle but profound changes not only in our relationship but, at least as important, in that substrate of consciousness, the unconscious, or whatever out of which comes one's basic sense of how confident, contented, at peace one feels just in passing through each day's life.

[TotallyOz]

OZ: I remember that time in your life. And yes, it was impressive. You were a VERY good son!

Thanks Marc. It was such a life-altering event for me that my entire perspective on life changed. I was the only one in my family to leave home (area I grew up) and live a big city life. I still remember the first time I told my mother I was gay. It was Thanksgiving Eve and I was 27 years old. She took it as well as she could I guess. We went the next day to the Village in NYC to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at a nice place after the parade. Men were walking by holding hands and when my mother got a feel for the area, she looked at me and said, "You are home how aren't you?" Instinctively, she knew that my life was better where I was and never once asked me to move to her hometown again. She knew I was not only happier but also much better off.

As far as some of you who question the choices one makes, I think when the time comes; you are put into situations for which you are totally unprepared. Some rise to the occasion and some do not. It was an easy choice for me as I had such a wonderful mother. I wonder what position I would have taken if I had a horrible mother. I don't know the answer. I do know that often men hold bitter grudges to the end and not sure I would have risen to the occasion if I had been in a different situation.