Monogamy: Dream or Nightmare?

[TotallyOz]

When I first came out, I thought I wanted to settle down with one person and make quilts and read books by the fireplace. It turns out that life was not for me. Instead, I have jumped from one guy to the next for 10 years. I have had some long-term relationships of over 5 years each but they were open and not monogamous. I am not even sure that monogamy is possible for me. I have seen many that love it. I have seen many that say they are monogamous but they are fucking around on the side. I have seen many relationships that have rules built in that allow the relationship to stay strong.

My question is simple: Is monogamy something you want? Do you know of many guys who are able to stay monogamous for LONG periods of time?

[marcanthony]

>My question is simple: Is monogamy something you want? Do

>you know of many guys who are able to stay monogamous for LONG

>periods of time?

>

I just had 3 Montreal boys as house guests for the past month.

Does that answer your question?

[TotallyOz]

>I just had 3 Montreal boys as house guests for the past

>month.

>

>Does that answer your question?

>

>

Well, actually it does. You are a slut. Live long and prosper!

[TampaYankee]

>I am not even sure that monogamy is possible for me.

Take it from me as an observer over some time. It wasn't standard or even offered as an option on your make in that model year. :+

[Guest Conway]

Honestly, no and I've never been attracted to the idea of monogamy even in for the may years that I sold myself out as straight and lived that lifestyle.

Human beings are incredibly complex and have selective sex drives unlike other mammals. There is nothing in our genetic makeup that predisposes us to life with one sex partner or even one sex partner at a time. We're ingrained with that idea by the judeo-christian social ethic of our society.

To me. there's nothing more beautiful than being able to share sexual attraction and satisfaction with numerous partners versus one assigned to you by either ceremony or commitment.

[AdamSmith]

Some cultural-studies scholars say that contemporary Western notions of marriage as the all-in-one solution -- trying to find fulfillment in a single person over the long haul for the quite disparate ends of sex, romance, childbearing/rearing, long-term familial companionship -- were sanctified really only in the Victorian era.

One can argue the evidence both ways for so sweeping a claim. But still valuable to note all the exceptions throughout history to the "ideal" of monogamy. Not just exceptions in practice, but differing views of the ideal itself.

[Guest StuCotts]

Oz --

I suppose you could have raised a more complicated and contentious topic, though I can't think of one on short notice. I assume you are operating strictly within a gay male context, and that by monogamy you mean an non-abusive ( subject to definition ) relationship that lasts from relative youth through the partners' middle years, however often in its course it may come to the verge of a meltdown.

In my experience it helps if:

-- at least one of the partners is not sluttish

-- at least one of the partners wants to make the partneship work ( That is a lot more than a namby-pamby wish that it might or hope that it will. )

-- there is a determined, constant, mutual effort not to hurt the other ( That implies getting to know each other out of bed as well as in, and never giving in to the temptation to be brutally honest as a pretext for standing up for one's rights within the relationship.)

-- patience rules more often than not

-- there are scads of mutual interests and attractions to reward the two for staying together after the initial glow of sex has dimmed ( A lot of evolution is implied; they won't be the same people at 50 or more as at 30 or less. )

-- something in one or both lives obliges them to spend some time apart, especially during the early years.

All that said, monogamy is not for most people, let alone everybody; each couple stays together for its own internal reasons; and generalizations are easier to formulate than they are to live by.

[Guest jessedane]

I was in a 2 1/2 year monogamous relationship from 18-21. Then I slept around, dated a variety of guys, have had open relationships, and of course became an escort. For a long time I thought I would never even consider monogamy again. It would always be open relationship or nothing.

But then I met my boyfriend and all my "open relationship only" stance went out the window really fast. After some time of dating I quickly realized that I wanted to become only his eventually and am looking forward to becoming that in about a week and a half.

I think if two people want and love eachother enough and have enough of the right sexual chemistry (which can often be the hardest part) that monogamy can really work and make someone happy.

[Guest eastburbguy]

Monogamy.

I once pledged to "obey", but it lasted little more than a week. I thought if I threw all my gay porn away, she and I could start "anew." ;-)

And, here I am posting on an escort website. Wanna guess how my intentions were fulfilled? }(

[numerito]

My experience is similar to Jesse Dane's... I was the poster boy for the "No monogamy whatsoever" campaign. Oz knows how many boys I saw per week back in NY }( Then I met my BF five years ago and I stopped dead on the tracks. We have an open relationship, though, but nowadays, I enjoy sex only with him and I just cannot imagine my life without him. Is that what you call "being in love"? ;-) I do not regret my earlier "slut days" (I had LOTS of fun!), but I am now in a different mode :9

[TotallyOz]

> I do not

>regret my earlier "slut days" (I had LOTS of fun!),

>but I am now in a different mode :9

My dear friend, I am so glad you don't regret them. My boys adored you and you were always such a treat! I am glad monogamy suits you. I have tried on that suit a few times myself but perhaps I am still just too big to fit into those britches.

[TotallyOz]

>Take it from me as an observer over some time. It wasn't

>standard or even offered as an option on your make in that

>model year. :+

LOL. Thanks! I agree with you. I have tried to go back to the factory line and get a restored engine but they keep telling me if it ain't broke, don't fix it.