What is your definition of "friends" ?

[Guest Anton]

I just got back from a stay in the US. When I arrived in New York, I took the bus from the Newark airport to the Port Authority bus terminal. This was my second visit to New York, and although my previous visit was more than a decade ago, I instantly recognised that this was the bus station where I had taken the Greyhound bus from New York to Chicago more than 10 years ago. The red tiles on the wall were still there, and it felt as if no time had passed by.

In a flash-back I instantly recalled that back then I saw this gorgeous guy in the same line as me to get on the Greyhound bus to Chicago, and wow, I really wanted to get in touch with this guy.

The bus ride was long, and of course there were enough opportunities to get in touch, and did I get in touch. We had a long talk, he turned out to be french, and we exchanged addresses.

A few weeks after I had got back home I received a letter and I noticed that the sender was from Toulouse, France. I knew that this letter could be from one guy only: the french guy in the Greyhound bus. I opened the envelope and read it, but the letter wasn't from him. It was from one of his friends, writing that the guy I had met had died.

He had visited Yellowstone National park, had approached a Buffalo too close, the animal wasn't in the mood for company and had taken him on his horns. He managed to get to hospital in time, was operated upon, but died of the infections in the second week after the incident.

I decided to take the train to Toulouse to attend the funeral. I didn't know if I would be welcome at the ceremony or not since I was a stranger, but there was a very warm welcome from the family. They told me that he had written about meeting me in the letters he had sent back home before he had had the accident, and his family was pleased that I had come.

They also showed me the room where he had grown up. I remember putting my hand between the bed and blanket, hoping to pick up some of the warmth he had left there. Clothes were still hanging over a chair, a book was still on a desk, all as if he could walk in any moment. I tried to carve the impression into my memory, so I could better recall it later.

As a reminder they gave me the wallet he had been using for his trip in the US, it was one of those that you put around your belt. The traces of dried-up body fluid were still on it, clearly from the accident. *

The whole experience struck me hard, real hard, and I wondered if I had fallen in love with the guy. No matter if I had or hadn't, I went through a dark period, didn't leave home anymore, and didn't try to get in touch with others either.

Much later it struck me that I had heard nothing from any of my friends. Nobody called me to ask how I was doing, and I didn't hear from anyone.

Again later I met one of them by coincidence on the street in the town where I lived. "Hey Anton, how are you doing? We heard that you haven't been doing really well lately."

"So you knew?" I replied, didn't really wait for an answer and continued my way.

That made me wonder if the people I had seen as friends untill then were or weren't friends, and I changed my definition of "friends". From now on, only very few people would fit in.

This brings me to the question of my post:

So what is your definition of "friends" ?

Or in other words, when is it that you start calling someone a friend, and when does someone stop being a friend?

Is it someone you happen to know and see often, is it someone you ask for advice, is it someone you cher a lot with, is it someone you go on holidays with, is it someone you can really realy on no matter what, or something else?

I'm interested to see when others start to see someone else as a friend.

Warmest, Anton/Amsterdam.

* During my stay in the States I also went to the cinema. One fragment in the movie was similar to one of the things I just wrote. Tough to see.

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[flguy]

Anton, I truly feel a friend is ALL the things you mentioned above. However, most of all they are someone you can count on regardless of circumstances. I would find it hard to class someone as a friend who knew you weren't well but never inquired. I also believe you can have friends you don't stay in contact with on even a monthly basis, but when you see them you tend to pick up on where you left off. However, to me the most telling sign of a friend is one who treats you as they want to be treated, with love, respect and caring. We all get too busy in this day and age and need to stop and make an effort to contact and rekindle old friendships, or repair broken ones. Family and friends are the greatest gifts in life.

[Guest jessedane]

To me a friend is someone I know I can depend on. Someone that I can call up if I'm going through a hard time and they will listen. Someone I have laughed with and probably cried with too.

Many of the people I would consider to be my closest friends I don't talk to very often. Life is crazy and many of us don't live near eachother anymore. Bit I know that no matter what, I could always pick up the phone and call them any time day or night. And they know they can do the same.