family meeting

[Guest alkoe]

I know that some guys in this forum are in a kind of longer relationships with thai boys - it was not really my idea to find a bf in Thailand because I´m not sure if a relationship with such a distance and age difference can work. But what happened at the end of my trip in november surprised me and my little boy still make me happy everyday, even when we at the moment just chat on phone and exchange photos. But now my question: he asked me if I want to meet his family on my next trip in february. To be honest - this scares me a lot. Maybe my thinking is totally wrong: but if I would be his father I would not be happy, if my handsome little son brings an old and fat farang as his lover at home. I also can´t imagine that I will have a good time in the middle of a big family where nobody is speaking english and I´m the only farang. So if anyone is experienced in this - I would be happy to hear about that.

 

[williewillie]

I've done it many times over the years. You will be respected due to your age, heavy weight and relative wealth.

Keep the visit short, definitely stay in a hotel and be prepared to buy some food and beer, as your arrival

will bring the extended family members, neighbors and friends over to visit and see the farang.

[Guest roguebear]

I certainly did not plan on having a long distance relationship for all the reasons you have listed.  I saw the now boyfriend for two years before I agreed to become boy friends.  Visiting the family, in my opinion, is necessary if you wish to continue on the relationship path.  Family is number one and if you can not accept that then it most likely will not work out.  My first visit we stayed in a nearby hotel and visited the family for two days.  I have never seen my boyfriend happier than when we were visiting.  Parents were friendly and accepting.  Parents live in a nice house built by big sister with furniture and farang toilet of which they were very proud to show me.  Other houses and the parents old house are nothing more than simple shacks. The hotel was not very comfortable and the bus trip was 6 hours long.  Although, it can be somewhat of a pain in the arse, it is well worth it.  We are going for New Years this year.  I have heard other reports of the visit not being pleasant, but that has not been my experience.  Staying in a hotel and arranging transportation back and forth to the family home is probably the best option.  I still get a little anxious about the visit, but seeing the boy friend so happy is really worth the journey.

[kokopelli]

 To be honest - this scares me a lot. Maybe my thinking is totally wrong: but if I would be his father I would not be happy, if my handsome little son brings an old and fat farang as his lover at home. I also can´t imagine that I will have a good time in the middle of a big family where nobody is speaking english and I´m the only farang. So if anyone is experienced in this - I would be happy to hear about that.

For me , not the same as with other farang. I have no desire to visit the bf's home and he has no desire for me to visit his home.

Even if he asked me to visit his home I would not want to go. His life and my life.

[Guest anonone]

We visit BFs family occasionally.  Agree with some of the advice already presented.  Keep it short, especially the first time.  2 days is about ideal.  Definitely arrange for your own lodging.  Depending on size of the village / town / city of BF, this can be either a hotel or a cabin at a "resort". 

 

Families can vary quite a bit, so best to generalize that you will be respected (tolerated?  LOL) due to your status and general Thai politeness.  Definitely don't be worried about being greeted with pitchforks and torches.  Biggest challenge is to not project your Western / Europe / USA attitudes onto the situation.  If BF is inviting you to meet the family, no worries about what Dad is going to think. 

 

Expect to fund a bit of a party...or perhaps just a dinner.  Contrary to willie's experience, it has only been immediate family for me.  Although on the first visit we did have some neighbors and relatives stop by for a bit and I volunteered to provide drinks.  Not too expensive at all.  Maybe 6 large bottles of beer, some ice, and a bottle of Thai Whiskey.  Maybe 600-1000 baht. 

 

If you go into it with an open attitude and some eagerness to learn more about BF, his upbringing, and a slice of lifestyle that you have not seen before, you should have a great time.  Friendly and polite will go far. 

 

I posted a trip report on one of my first visits to BF village if you want to take a look.  http://www.gaythailand.com/forums/topic/8529-trip-report-isan-for-new-years-plus-wat-kham-pramong/

 

Oh, and I had no plans to have a Thai BF either...probably the last thing on my mind.  But when you find someone and love grabs hold, best just to be thankful and enjoy the ride.  I wouldn't trade it for anything now.

[Onlyserious]

Ciao. Few hours ago i posted a topic LOVE IN THAILAND.

Here i can read abt LTR and family. I like it. I respect every point of vew.

 

Does anyone have experience direct or indirect on the attitude of Thai boys to move to Europe . I want to understand if I can propose for a serious relationship living six months in Europe and six months in Thailand

[Gaybutton]

I agree with weewillie and anonone.  No elaboration necessary.  They said it just right.

 

 

Does anyone have experience direct or indirect on the attitude of Thai boys to move to Europe . I want to understand if I can propose for a serious relationship living six months in Europe and six months in Thailand

 

I wouldn't count on it if I were you.  You might get very lucky and find a boy who would want to do that, but that would be the exception. I've seen it too many times over the years.  It hardly ever works and the farang all too often ends up heartbroken, along with having spent a hell of a lot of money trying.

 

A one or two week holiday would probably be ok, but longer than that stands very little chance. 

 

Why does it hardly ever work?  You're probably a sophisticated traveler.  The boy probably has never been out of Thailand in his life.  He would be away from his family and friends and have no access to them other than a telephone call once in a while.  He would be in an environment he's never experienced.  He doesn't speak the language.  He can't even understand what he watches on TV or a movie.  He'll be away from the foods he likes.  He'll feel completely out of place.  He'll be too dependent on you.  He'll be bored to death.  Whether it's true or not, he'll very likely start thinking the only real reason you have him in your home country, long term, is for you to use him for sex and instead of being happy, he'll end up resenting you.

 

That's the way it usually happens.  No matter how well-intentioned your motives might be, most of the time the boy wants to go back to Thailand after only a few weeks - if that long.

 

I'm sorry if I'm ruining your dream, but that's all it is - a dream - a dream highly unlikely to end happily.  It's not realistic at all.  I wish it was, but it simply is not.

 

Your best chance for any kind of success is to be with him when you're in Thailand and leave it at that.  If you think you're idea will have happy results and will somehow work out well, you're setting yourself up for a major, traumatic disappointment.

 

My advice is to see it through his perspective.  In other words, don't do it.  If you really find yourself in love with a Thai boy, then love him enough to let him live his life where he belongs rather than thinking about it the way you want it to be.

[Guest anonone]

I am going to disagree with GayButton on the viability of sharing a life with a Thai guy outside of Thailand...especially in the specific circumstance you are asking about...6 months in Europe, 6 months in Thailand. 

 

It is totally dependent on the individuals involved and the overall relationship.  On a real-life basis, BF has 2 Thai friends that have made the move to Europe and seem to be doing OK...at least they have lasted a year or so.  In fact, they have actually met up with each other in Europe on a holiday. (all 3 were friends before). 

 

If it is a real relationship where each wants the other to be happy, you can find a way to do it.  As GayButton alludes to, if you are after a permanent boy toy and don't have his best interests at heart...it will not work.  But very little will work in that circumstance. 

 

BF is keen to live in the USA for a bit, and we are going to give it a try.  It is certainly going to be interesting and I am sure we are going to learn much, much more about each other.  There have been several forum members who have given it a shot, and I am not aware of any of them that have failed.  A year or so ago there was a poster that married his Thai BF and they moved to the USA (I am horrible with remember which poster though). 
 

To cut to the chase, I would be much more careful about finding the right guy and being in love then a preconceived notion about long-term plans for retirement living arrangements. 

[Gaybutton]

It is totally dependent on the individuals involved and the overall relationship.  On a real-life basis, BF has 2 Thai friends that have made the move to Europe and seem to be doing OK

 

2 friends.  2.  Compared to the number who've tried it, and did fail, that's not a very promising figure.  I have a feeling you disagree with me mainly because you intend to try it yourself.

 

I'm not surprised you're not aware of failures.  People usually don't post these kinds of failures.  I, however, personally know several who tried it.  You know how many of them succeeded?  Zero.  The only ones that succeeded at all were the ones in which the farang ended up returning to Thailand with the boyfriend and now lives here.  And even some of those ended up failing.

 

I really do hope it works out for you and your boyfriend.  I know you're not going to change your mind because of what I'm posting, but if it doesn't work out you can't say you weren't warned.

[traveller123]

Two replies here.

 

Alkoe- You should definately go to your boyfriend's village if your relationship is heading in a serious direction.

The advice already given mirrors my experience, the first time stay in a hotel, make it a short trip, go with an open mind not expecting Western standards in his village (although you may be surprised, I was with what his now our village, it is very clean with little or no rubbish) and expect to spend some money on entertaining.

On my first visit we hired a mini bus and took his family on a trip to see some local sights.

It was also my birthday and my boyfriend enjoyed putting on a wonderful party for family and friends, he worked really hard and made me very proud. Of course I paid for it but it is one of my happiest memories.

Do not worry about the age difference, he will already have talked to the family about this and hopefully have got the response my bf got of " if you are happy, that is what's important".

And keep smiling.

(If by any chance you are heading to or near Surin let me know.

 

Only serious.

With my boyfriend we planned and do live in Thailand but we decided if our relationship was to work we had to understand each others lives and spend more time together than was possible on 2 week holidays.

After I had had four holidays in Thailand with him we therefore planned for him to come to England and his first visit was for 4 months.

I was still working but had planned my holidays to spend as much time as possible showing him the UK, fortunately I worked flexi time and could maximise the holidays.

I was lucky in that I lived on a small road and the neighbours were very friendly even teaching him to bake, I also got him a gym membership.

In the last week of his stay we went to a Thai Temple about 30 miles away where he met a lady from my town, he is quite outgoing and when he came back to the UK for our second visit he got into a good crowd of Thai ladies married to Farangs and loved his second stay which was for one and a half years (we had a civil partnership and eventually he could work - only cleaning but he enjoyed earning money and the bit of independence it gave him.

My advice is take it slowly, make sure you know him and his family before he goes to your country and take him to the nearest Thai Temple early in his trip and ask about Thais in your town.

[Guest alkoe]

Thank you so much for your good and serious advices. I will take all slowly, but it´s hard to say no to him when I look in his smiling face ;-) 

And I want him to be happy - that is the most important thing for me. But the idea to stay in a hotel during the visit is very smart and 2 days should be really the maximum. He and his family is not that poor - as I wrote in my report, he owns a car and his dad owns a little company. But I´m not sure if we should go directly on my next trip - would be to early in my eyes, we know us to short.

For sure there are so much cultural differences between us - I need to learn more about Thailand and I really want to learn a few words of his language.

In the meantime I have to wait and wait till I see him again - and this nearly kills me. Sometimes I`m close to drive to the airport and take the next aircraft to Bangkok - but at the end I try to think rational again. Difficult to be alone on Christmas with the knowlegde that someone is waiting 10.000 km away - but we will use Skype and in under two months we are together again.

[traveller123]

I hope it all works out for you.

 

My relationship has been going for 7 years and I love every day (well not quite every day),

When we met he was 25 and I was 61 and I think it helped that he was that bit older than a lot of the lads.

It can be a lonely life alone back in our home countries and if we find the right guy it can be wonderful over here.

But you must have a flexible outlook, I know and understand that he needs to see and talk Thai/Khymer with his friends and family often without me being there.

 

Good luck and remember slowly is the route to success, make sure you really know the guy 

[Gaybutton]

In the meantime I have to wait and wait till I see him again - and this nearly kills me

 

I understand how you feel.  I've been there too.  When you do have those rational thinking moments, when it's not nearly killing you, the question to ask yourself:  Is it nearly killing him?

 

I don't think you need me to answer that question unless you actually believe he's pining away over you as you're pining away over him.

 

I'm sorry I'm telling you things I know you don't want to hear, but I've lived in Thailand a long time.  I've seen this same kind of situation over and over again.  An aging farang comes to Thailand, meets a boy, falls in love with him, and thinks the boy feels the same way.  While some people are posting their success stories, and I'm truly happy for them, they're the exception.  Most of the time the end result is another brokenhearted farang with a now empty wallet.

 

You seem like a very nice person.  I'm hoping your eyes will open enough so the same won't happen to you.  In the post above traveller123 said make sure you really know the guy.  He's right.  REALLY know the guy.  You said you met him at the end of your trip in November.  There's no way you really know the guy.  You hardly know him at all.  Maybe after you've spent several months with him it will be a different story, but for now  I urge you to wake up and take control of your emotions before you fall into the same trap I've seen so many times over the years.

 

Maybe the boy is absolutely sincere.  I'm not saying he isn't, but your job is to make damned sure of it.  For all you know he might have a whole string of farang who are also convinced they are in love with the boy and he loves them.  I've seen that many times too.  I remember one boy who used to carry around 5 mobile phones.  When I asked him why, he freely admitted, bragged about it actually, that each was for a different farang.  I asked him why he wasn't carrying just one, he said each farang had bought him a phone and a phone number with it, so carrying around just one wouldn't work.  The boy didn't have to work.  He had all 5 of them sending him plenty of money.  True story.

 

Another favorite story was a Sunee Plaza bar manager who was also good at convincing farang of true love.  He had a little problem when 2 of them showed up in Pattaya at the same time - and of course neither knew about the other.  For two weeks he somehow managed to 'take care' of both farang and survived the two weeks without getting caught. 

 

If pleas for money get started and more and more often there's yet another reason he needs more money, that, my friend, is what's known as a 'red light' and that's when you'll know you're being conned.  Look for other 'red lights' too.

 

Once you've known him for at least a year, or more, and have been able to spend at least weeks, or better still months, with him and all is still going well, then you'll know you found the right boy.  That's when to start centering your life around him.  But since you first met him in November, now is much too soon.  Don't let him take control of your life and emotions.

 

And please . . . don't be trying to convince yourself of something else I've all too often heard farang say - "Not this boy.  He's different."  If I had 10 baht for every time I've heard that one, my bank account would rival Donald Trump's.

 

Until then, I give you one of my favorite quotes - one I've posted many times before:  "If you want love in Thailand, rent it."

 

I hope it all works out.  If you do this the right way, maybe it will.  But be ready to drop him in case it doesn't.  Believe me, there are plenty more boys if it doesn't work out.  I hope you won't have to learn that the hard way.

 

Ok, I've said my piece.  Good luck.

[firecat69]

Bottom line is if it makes you happy and can afford it , then why not try. Plenty of ways to get your heart broken, but for sure you can't get it broken if you never try.

 

I have to imagine visas for everyone to the USA are going to get much tougher regardless of where you are from .

 

Thanks to ISIS and all the other rats .

[traveller123]

Gaybutton, Alkoe needs to read your last post carefully.

It is full of good advice for him

[Guest anonone]

Great thread with some good exchanges and info.

 

@alkoe

You are on the right track.  If you really want to learn more about your potential BF, then a visit to meet the family is absolutely necessary.  I had kind of assumed this was going to involve a trip to Isan, but actually your post never mentions where your BF family resides.  Can you share which area of Thailand the family lives?  It might help in presenting some advice.

 

I totally get the impatience.  I was the same 5 years ago when I first met my BF.  The advice presented above to go really slow is paramount.  This is not a sprint, it is a marathon.  Thankfully, skype / line / facebook and all the rest make it much easier to keep in touch now.  It was a couple years of knowing BF, with me visiting Thailand about 5 times a year, before we were comfortable making a commitment to each other.  Enjoy the feelings you have for your friend, but keep a rational head as well. If you just met in November, then you are just at the very very beginning of getting to know him. 

 

If I may make a recommendation - try out one of the many Thai teachers that are available on skype.  It is very reasonable - about $15 an hour for one-on-one sessions.  It has many benefits, including helping to pass the time between visits.  You will be able to communicate (very basically) with the family.  It will also go over very well with family that you can speak some Thai.  And regardless of what happens with BF, it will be very helpful during your Thai visits. 

 

@GayButton

I understand your desire to warn others of the possible pitfalls in having a Thai BF.  I don't disagree that there are Thai boys that take advantage of falang and that many have been hurt and such.  I am just presenting a little balance that it is possible and it is very dependent on the individuals involved.

 

As to my statement of only 2 friends...yes, it was only 2 because that is all that I know about first hand.  Both BF and I have been reluctant to try this, as we both know how difficult this will be. I don't need to "be warned".  I am much more interested in protecting myself then you will ever be.  LOL

 

It is mainly through the experiences of his friends that we have been slowly coming around to the idea of trying it.  He skypes with them fairly often and they talk about their experiences in Europe.  One had returned to Thailand for a fairly brief visit due to family issues, but returned as expected. The other has been in Europe over a year.  I actually think it will be a bit easier on us as I expect frequent visits to Thailand (together) to continue. 

 

But it is a long process and we will see how things go.  Nothing set in stone, but you only live once. 

 

@traveller123

Great post and advice about finding the closest Thai temple and getting involved with whatever enclave of Thai folks can be around.  After a bit of searching, I was surprised to find a Thai Buddhist temple within a 30 minute drive of my house...and I am not in a very culturally diverse area.    Very happy that things are working out for you and your BF.  If you have any additional advice on how to make things easier, it would be great to hear. 

[Onlyserious]

1. ALKOE . I'm sorry if I snuck into your topic . You're a good man , and feel that you want to make happy your bf fills my heart .

1. Anonone . Thank you. Beautiful words. Concrete realistic . But full of hope .

3. Gay button . I love you. You are so rude and disillusioned . I was so . Now I know what I want. I need love . But your vision helps everyone to be cautious

 

4.traveller 123. Great wishes for me.

 

 

Now really all my friends, i wish you all the best in your life....i follow you in your topic....and i know that everybody of us love Thailand . Viva la Tailandia viva i Tailandesi e i loro amici.

[Gaybutton]

 Gay button . I love you. You are so rude

 

Perhaps so.  Meanwhile, I'd rather submit a rude post than see the OP end up with a rude awakening . . .

[Onlyserious]

Sure i always like your post for this..

Ciao

[Guest alkoe]

thanks again for all the comments and also the warnings. I know that I´m often naive - I try to see the things positive and I like to trust in people. But I´m not stupid - if I would get asked for money I would quit with him immediately. If I´m in the mood to make him a gift, I do it - and I´m normally a generous guy, but I´m surely not a walking ATM. And I work hard for my money - and I really hate when my younger friends sit home, do nothing and wait for my money just because they are hot.

He lives at the moment at his family near Khon Kaen, he did not find a regular job yet but he works few days a week in agriculture - even when the payment there is a joke.

I know that love makes blind - but I still can see and think! And of course I know that I know nearly nothing about him, that´s why I just smile when he is writing "marry me" - but the suggestion with the family meeting surprised me, that´s why my original post. And I think I will go - but not on my next trip. It´s simply too early...

 

 

@ anonone - thanks for the advice with the Thai teacher on Skype - that sounds like a really good idea

[KhorTose]

2 friends.  2.  Compared to the number who've tried it, and did fail, that's not a very promising figure.  I have a feeling you disagree with me mainly because you intend to try it yourself.

 

I'm not surprised you're not aware of failures.  People usually don't post these kinds of failures.  I, however, personally know several who tried it.  You know how many of them succeeded?  Zero.

Err make, that 3.  Married partner loves the USA.   Here now for 15 months and not homesick.  Also, he now has many friends he made in school here.  I did bring him here on two trips of one month each prior to our permanent move, so he knew what to expect.  One thing that really helps is the very very very liberal attitude of the city I live in. 

[firecat69]

Good for you!!!!

[traveller123]

Alkoe,

 

Sorry for the delay in replying as I have not been able to access the internet for over a week.

 

I think you are getting an idea from the excellent replies on here that you have to take it (very) slowly and be sure.

I have posted about the wonderful partner I have now, but the first time I met a guy and took him to England it was something approaching a disaster.

I was a classic case of lonely Farang blinded by love and made all kinds of excuses for his demands and behaviour.

The second time was totally different in every respect.

 

Do not take him to your country (UK?) until you have spent several holidays with him and given him time, if he is going to do it, to start the financial demands.

I would be a little careful if he hasn't got regular work as it perhaps is a sign he is waiting for a wide eyed Farang to show up.

My partner worked in the day for an English run bakery and then at massage in the evening because he need to look after his sick mother (genuine story, unfortunately she passed away several months after my first trip to his village).

How is your guy's English?

If he is serious about you and has some drive he should be improving his language skills.

My advice would be, if his English? is not great, do not take him until he has shown you he has studied by book or internet to improve his spoken skills. If he is stranded in your home while you are work he is going to be bored

[Guest alkoe]

@ traveller123

 

thanks for your replay - I will do all slowly with him - we will spend my next vacation together, few days in Pattaya and then we plan to travel around Thailand (Chiang Mai, River Kwai, Bangkok...). As I said - he owns a car so he will be my personal driver and guide hehe. It´s not really my plan to visit his family, this I will decide when I will be in Thailand - I know it´s his wish, and I want to see him happy, so we will see.

His English is well - but I live in Germany, so this would help him not that much here. But he never asked to live at me - and my plan is to spend more time in Thailand per year - of course it´s a little difficult because of the Visum. But in future my plan is to stay two times per year for 3 months, of course I need to make some changes in my Company first, so maybe in 2017. But that are all just ideas so far  - now I have to prepare my trip in february  - Germans do nothing without a plan, lol.

Oh btw he is working now - he got a job at his fathers small business. The good thing on this job is : he can make free during my / our Holiday without big problems.